The Fathers Tears over his Daughters Remains, Diary 4 – Addenda
(4) Preparations for Church Communion, and other Matters relating thereunto.
She was for many Years exceeding tho'tful about renewing her Baptiſmal Covenant, and giving up her Self to God before his People, and coming to the Table of Chriſt. Her Fears were great leſt coming unworthily ſhe ſhould eat and drink Judgment unto her ſelf. She was often in an Agony, that ſhe might draw near to God with a true Heart, and in the full Aſſurance of Faith. And her Endeavours were crown'd with a comfortable Hope when ſhe came, which was on that memorable Day October 29. 1727, which preceeded the Great and Amazing Earthquake.
The chief part of the Day before ſhe ſpent in Secret, bewailing her Sins Original and Actual, intreating the Mercy of God to pardon, and his Grace to help her; 'in ſeeking the Wedding Garment, that ſhe might appear adorn'd as a Bride for her Husband, and hear Chriſt ſaying to her at his Table, Daughter be of good chear, your Sins are forgiven you.
On the Day after ſhe makes a Record of her Admiſſion, renews the Dedication of her Self to God; and ſeems to have had her Heart much drawn forth to Chriſt, by the vaſt Variety of Expreſſions ſhe uſes on this Occaſion. She writes particularly of the Earthquake, and makes many pious and pertinent Reflections and Petitions. 'Lord awaken in me a more lively ſenſe of thy Perfections, and of my Duty towards thee. O cauſe me to ſtand firm in the Truths and Ways of Chriſt. Make me ſtedfaſt in thy Covenant, that I may hold faſt the Profeſſion of my Faith without wavering, &c.'
She uſually ſpent a conſiderable part of the Saturday before the Sacrament in Preparation for it, and ſometimes other Days.
She writes that Company at ſuch Seaſons was very unwelcome and burdenſome, and bewails it that ſhe has been ſometimes hindred by it.
Her ſtrict and cloſe Examinations of her Self before the Sacrament are noted down. The Word of God was her Rule, and the Marks and Signs of a good and bad State there given are what ſhe judges upon.— I alſo find her making uſe of the Judgment of the beſt Divines & Caſuiſts. —Two Books one for Devotion, & the other for Inſtruction generally lay on her Table on Communion Days, namely Dr. Patrick's Chriſtian Sacrifice, and Mr. Henry's Communicant's Companion.
In one of her Papers ſhe anſwers all Mr. Henry's Queſtions, under the Head of Self-Examination; namely, What am I? What have I done? What am I doing? What ground do I get? What do I want? What do I reſolve to do? to her own Comfort and Satisfaction.
Her Frames at the Lord's Table were very different, but always conſiſtent with real and vital Religion.
Sometimes ſhe ſeems overcome with Fears, and born down with Doubts and Scruples; but before ſhe has finiſhed her Record there is an evident Mourning after Chriſt, and an ardent Love to him diſcoverable.
There are thoſe which ſhe calls her uncomfortable Sabbaths and Sacraments, others her pleaſant Days and joyful Communions. I obſerve that when ſhe went laden with the moſt Fear, ſhe generally brought home Comfort in return.
She writes once, I was exceeding dull and heavy, and ready to go away from the Sacrament, but when I had reſolved to ſtay, I preſently had what I deſir'd, a compoſed Mind; and have not ſpent a Sabbath in ſuch Pleaſure for ſome time.
Again, This being the Lord's Day, and our Sacrament, I read over my Covenant and renew'd it: And tho' I felt not ſuch flowings of my Affections as I have ſometimes, yet I hope I was ſincere. Lord accept of Sincerity, and graciouſly overlook my Infirmities; and meet me in thy Houſe, and at thy Table, and let this Sabbath be a Day of Reſt and Joy to my poor Soul.
July 16. 1732. I bleſs God that upon a careful Review of my Life, I have ſome Reaſon to hope that my Labour has not been in vain in the Lord, but that I am paſſed from Death to Life. Search me, O God, and know my Heart, try me and know my Tho'ts, and ſee if there be any wicked Way in me, and lead me in the Way everlaſting. I deſire to renounce all Confidence in the Fleſh, to have my whole Dependance on the Satisfaction and Obedience of Chriſt for Pardon, Acceptance and Eternal Bleſſedneſs. I take Him in all his Offices, as my Prophet to teach, as my Prieſt to atone and interceed; and my King to rule me, and conquer my Enemies. 'Tis my ſincere and conſtant Endeavour to lead a Life of holy Obedience unto his bleſſed Will, and to ſubmit to all his righteous Diſpenſations. I firmly believe that all things ſhall work together for good to them that love God; and I hope I can truly ſay that I love Him. I am ſure I can ſay, I deſire to love Him with all my Heart. I bleſs God that I have experienc'd more outgoings of Soul towards my Saviour (in his Houſe and at his Table) to Day, and more of the divine Afflations comforting & refreſhing me than ever in my Life before. I return'd home fill'd with Joy and Praiſe. I think I could ſee my Intereſt in Chriſt, and the Father's reconciled Face ſhining on me. My Beloved is mine and I am his! All things are mine! O my God and Saviour, let not this my Hope and Joy be that of the Hypocrite which ſhall periſh; but that of the Righteous which abideth for ever.
This was not the only Time ſhe had Joy in believing.
At other Times ſhe writes This Evening I was much enlarg'd in Prayer, and experienc'd much Comfort. I had ſome outgoings of Soul to my Saviour, and my Meditation on Him was ſweet in my Bed. —
This Day I was much affected with God's Goodneſs to me thro' my whole Life. I hope I can truly ſay I love my Redeemer, that he is altogether lovely, and I prize him above ten thouſand Worlds. I truſt in none but Him. I have had a moſt raviſhing Sight of Him! How wonderful is his Love! He has begun a good Work in me, and will carry it on to the End.
This Morning I hope I have had ſpiritual Communion with God, in & thro' Jeſus Chriſt. I have been greatly affected with his dying Love. I reſt on Him alone for Salvation: I caſt my trembling Soul upon him.
Laſt Night the Lord was pleaſed to give me (a moſt unworthy Creature) ſuch a Taſte of the Conſolations of his Holy Spirit, as fill'd my Soul with Tranſports of Joy. And if but a Taſte of God's Love in Chriſt gives ſuch Joy to a poor Soul on Earth, how do the Saints in Heaven feel? who conſtantly partake of Fulneſs of Joys and Pleaſures which flow at God's right Hand for evermore!
(5.) Remarks on more publick Matters.
In her Diary ſhe takes Notice of God's Judgments and Mercies to the Land, particularly his Viſitations by Earthquakes, Thunders, Lightnings, Storms, Drought, &c.
She was among the Mourners in Zion for thoſe provoking Evils which ſtirs up the Wrath of a righteous God & Judge againſt a wicked People.
I find her alſo taking notice of God's Appearing for the Land, granting Showers of Bleſſing in a time of Drought, July 3. 1728.
Some unhappy Affairs of Medford in the Years 1729 & 30, produc'd many Prayers and Tears from her, with the following Poem in Imitation of the 133 Pſalm, which I publiſh as a Monument for and Motive to my own People, to continue in Love and Peace.
BEhold how good, how ſweet, their Joy does prove,
Where Brethren dwell in Unity and Love!
When no Contention, Strife, or fatal Jar
Diſturb the Peace, and raiſe the noiſy War.
'Tis like the Oyntment, which of old was pour'd
On Aaron's Head, and down his Garments ſhower'd;
Thro' all the Air perfuming Odour ſpreads,
Diffuſing Sweetneſs to the neighbouring Meads.
Or like the Dew on Hermon's lofty Head
Which on the Mounts of Sion Moiſture ſpread.
'Circled with Peace, they ſhall within the Land
As ſhining Patterns, and Examples ſtand.
If Sinners wrangle, let the Saints agree;
The Goſpel breathes out nought but Unity.
To ſuch the Bleſſing from the Lord is given,
Even Life eternal, in the higheſt Heaven.
Having related theſe Things, you will not wonder if I now declare my ſelf a Witneſs of her daily cloſe Walk with God during her married State …d of her Retirements for Reading, Self-Ex…ination and Devotion.
It was her Practice to read the Bible out in Courſe, once in a Year, the Book of Pſalms much oftner, beſides many Chapters and a Multitude of Verſes which ſhe kept turn'd down in a Bible, which ſhe had been the Owner and Reader of more than twenty Years. If I ſhould only preſent my Readers with a Catalogue of theſe Texts, I doubt not but that they would admire the Collection, be gratified with the Entertainment; and eaſily conjecture many of her holy Frames and Tempers from them. — I muſt own, conſidering her tender Make and often Infirmities ſhe exceeded in Devotion. And I have tho't my ſelf oblig'd ſometimes (in Compaſſion to her) to call her off, and put her in mind of God's delighting in Mercy more than in Sacrifice.
How often has ſhe lain whole Nights by me mourning for Sin, calling upon God, and praiſing him, or diſcourſing of Chriſt and Heaven? And when under Doubts intreating me to help her (as far as I could) to a full Aſſurance of God's Love. Sometimes ſhe would ſay, Well, I am content if you will ſhew me that I have the Truth of Grace. And I often ſatisfy'd her with one of Mr. Baxter's Marks of Love to Chriſt, namely, Lamenting & panting after him; for this kind of Love ſhe was ſure ſhe exercis'd in the moſt cloudy Hours of her Life.
I may not forget to mention the ſtrong and conſtant Guard ſhe plac'd at the Door of her Lips. Who ever heard her call an ill Name? or detract from any Body? When ſhe apprehended ſhe receiv'd Injuries, Silence and Tears were her higheſt Reſentments. But I have often heard her reprove others for raſh and angry Speeches.
In every Relation ſhe ſuſtain'd ſhe was truly Exemplary, ſenſible how much of the Life and Power of Religion conſiſts in the conſcientious Practice and Performance of Relative Duties.
No Child had a greater Love to and Reverence for her Parents, ſhe even exceeded in Fear and Reverence of her Father, notwithſtanding all his Condeſcentions to her, and vaſt Freedoms with her.
As a Wife ſhe was dutiful, prudent and diligent, not only content but joyful in her Circumſtances. She ſubmitted as is fit in the Lord, look'd well to the Ways of her Houſhold, and her own Works praiſe her in the Gates.
Her very Apparel diſcover'd Modeſty and Chaſtity: She lov'd to appear neat and clean, but never gay and fine.
To her Servants ſhe was good and kind, and took care of them, eſpecially of the Soul of a Slave who dy'd (in the Houſe) about a Month before her.
She reſpected all her Friends and Relatives, and ſpake of them with Honour, and never forgot either their Counſels or their Kindneſſes.
She often ſpake of her Obligations to her Aunt Staniford, which were great living and dying.
She honour'd all Men, and lov'd every Body. Love and Goodneſs was natural to her, as her Father expreſſes it in a Letter Years ago.
Her tender Love to her only Siſter, has been already ſeen; and was on all Occaſions manifeſted, and grew exceedingly to her Death. A few Days before it, I heard her ſpeak to her particularly of preparing for another World. Improve (ſaid ſhe) the Time of Health, 'tis the only Time for doing the great Work in.
And in Return for her Love and amiable Carriage, She had the Love and Eſteem of all that knew her. Thoſe that knew her beſt lov'd her beſt, and praiſe her moſt.
Her Humility was ſo great, that ſhe could well bear (without being elated) ſuch Praiſes as are often found in her Father's Letters to us. viz. I greatly eſteem as well as highly love you: The beſt of Children deſerves all that a Child can of a Father: My Soul rejoyces in you: My Joy, my Crown. I give Thanks to God for you daily. I am honour'd in being the Father of ſuch a Daughter.
Her Husband alſo, and he praiſeth her as a Meet Help both in Spirituals and Temporals.
Her Relations and Acquaintance ever manifeſted the higheſt Value for her.
The People, among whom ſhe liv'd the laſt eight Years of her Life, both Old and Young had a Love and Veneration for her; as a Perſon of the ſtricteſt Virtue and undefil'd Religion. Her Innocence, Modeſty, Ingenuity, & Devotion charm'd all into an Admiration of her. And I queſtion whether there has been more Grief and Sorrow ſhown at the Death of any private Perſon, by People of all Ranks, to whom her Virtues were known; Mourning, for the Loſs ſuſtain'd by our ſelves, not for her, nor as others who have no Hope. For it is beyond Doubt that ſhe died in the Lord, and is Bleſſed.
The Death of every ſuch praying Saint is a Frown upon the whole Land, and calls upon us to make that Prayer, Pſal. xii. 1, Help Lord for the Godly ceaſe, and the Faithful fail from among the Children of Men.
ADDENDA. Concerning her laſt Sickneſs and Death.
HER Illneſs began with violent Symptoms, ſuch as Opreſſions at the Breaſt & in the Bowels, which held three or more Hours in the Night Seaſon; under which ſhe cry'd to God that Patience might have its perfect Work, and that her Faith might not fail.— After ſome Time it chang'd, and put on various Forms, as is common in Hyſterick Caſes. For ſome Days her Complaints were chiefly of Faintneſs and Sinking of the Spirits, in the Proxyſms whereof ſhe often tho't her ſelf a dying, and would graciouſly reſign her ſelf, hoping it would be well with her.
When Fear overcame her, and ſhe was ready to deſpond, ſhe would check her ſelf and ſay, This is Nature, and Grace cannot wholly conquer it.
On the Saturday Night before ſhe dy'd ſhe lay under the moſt wracking Pains in her Back, Shoulders &c. and in the Morning fell into a Degree of Stupor, which bro't on Fits by Monday Afternoon.
The Tueſday Night ſhe caus'd me to be ſeveral Times awak'd by the Watcher, to diſcourſe▪ of Spiritual and Eternal Things, and to bring Promiſes and Comforts to her Mind.
She had her lucid Intervals all along, which ſhe improv'd in lifting up her Voice and Soul in moſt pious and pertinent Ejaculations.
The laſt Day of her Life (which was Wedneſday) her Frame was proper to meet Death in, ſo long as ſhe could be kept awake; and ſpake often of its Approaching; eſpecially in the Evening. When I ſpake of praying, ſhe deſir'd me to be ſhort and ſweet, for ſhe could not be long intent.
Her laſt Words, were, 'Thou haſt deliver'd, thou doſt deliver, and I truſt in Thee that thou wilt ſtill deliver.— And Death is the Deliverance of thoſe that live as ſhe did.
Between the Hours of Eleven and Twelve (after ſhe had ſtruggled with two or three violent Fits) we apprehended her Change would quickly come on. I therefore ſtood up and Pray'd over her, with her Friends; and in the midſt of our Reſignations of her, and commending her Spirit into the Hands of her Redeemer (without any Groan or Motion) ſhe fell aſleep in Jeſus, and is gone to everlaſting Reſt and Joy. The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away, and Bleſſed be the Name of the Lord.