The Fathers Tears over his Daughters Remains, Diary 3
(3.) Temptations and Diſtreſſes.
There has been ſomething already offer'd on this Head by way of Letter. In her Diary are found theſe Paſſages.
July 16. 1727. As I lay on my Bed under great Weakneſs of Body, meditating on God and expecting Death, it pleaſed my Heavenly Father to ſuffer the Enemy of my Soul to beſet me with ſore Temptations; particularly with that in Job 2.9. Curſe God and die. I was long hurried by it, and yet in Horror at ſuch a Tho't riſing in me. I cry'd earneſtly to God that I might not be left to conſent to it; and upon my continuing inſtant in Prayer, that Scripture came with mighty Weight upon my Mind, Pſal. 146.2. I will praiſe the Lord while I live, I will ſing Praiſes to my God while I have any being: Which help'd me to repel the Temptation, and brought Comfort to me.
At other times, I was tempted to a like Diſtruſt and Denial of God; but thro' Grace I reſiſted and was ever directed to ſome Scripture or other to ſtrengthen my Faith. And tho' I continued under Doubts & Fears about my Spiritual State a great while, yet I could ſtill hope in God, and encourage my ſelf in his Goodneſs, which had been wonderful to me.
Another time ſhe writes, Much diſtreſs'd on the account of wicked Tho'ts following me, but I hope God will preſerve my Soul, and deliver me from them.— I truſt in him.
I was much tempted this afternoon to Blaſphemy and Deſpair by my grand Enemy, (who is often of late in this manner diſturbing my Quiet) but I fly to and truſt in a tempted Saviour, who knows how to ſuccour me, and will deliver me, — I pray, Lord lead me not into Temptation but deliver me from Evil; Suffer me not to be tempted above what I am able to bear, but together with every Temptation make way for my Eſcape. Guide me by thy Counſel, and uphold me by thy free Spirit, and receive me to Glory.
Another time, Much diſtreſs'd on the Account of my Soul, juſt ready to ſink under the Senſe of Sin, and to deſpair of Mercy and Pardon for a time. But bleſſed be God who has kept me from adding to the Number of my Sins that fatal one of Deſpair. Chriſt has been diſcover'd to me as able to ſave unto the uttermoſt the very chief of Sinners, and all thoſe that come to God by him without exception. His Blood cleanſes from all Sin, and I fly to the Fountain of it to waſh in. Give me Faith in Him, and to rely on his glorious Righteouſneſs. Uphold me by thy Grace, and make me faithful in thy Covenant.
Again, In the Houſe of God greatly diſtreſs'd on the account of Deadneſs and Dulneſs under the Word preach'd. I did all I could to raiſe and fix my Tho'ts, but all in vain. I then lift up my Soul to God in and thro' Chriſt in the beſt manner I was able, and earneſtly beg'd Pardon for my Wandrings and Dulneſs; and beſeech'd Him to open my Heart to receive Inſtruction, and afford me the Comforts and Teachings of his Spirit, and it was better with me. Behold Reader, a good Method to be taken by Thee in the like Frame!
Another Time, I went to the Houſe of God with a heavy Heart, reſolving not to partake of the holy Sacrament in the Frame I was then in; leſt I ſhould diſhonour God, and profane the Ordinance: but the Sermon I then heard on Juſtification by the Righteouſneſs of Chriſt alone, greatly encourag'd me, and I ſpent the Day in holy Delight and Pleaſure.
Another Time, This was a dark & diſtreſſing Day to me; I was ſtrongly tempted to abſent my ſelf from the Lord's Supper, on the Account of my not having ſpent ſo much Time in Preparation as uſual. I pour'd out my Soul in Prayer to God for his Direction, and after much Conflict and Struggle reſolv'd to venture: And afterwards I fear'd whether I had not laid too great a Streſs on my own Performances, Prayers, Examinations and Renewals of Covenant heretofore; & was happily brought to renounce all that was my own, and to depend wholly on Jeſus Chriſt for Righteouſneſs and Strength.