Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 2 · Section 35
35. Experiences of E. R.
I Was borne and bred up of godly Parents, yet Satan so farre tempted me to commit that detestable sinne of telling a Lye, about eleven yeares of my age, against a Sister of mine, and my Sister was shrewdly and severely corrected by my Parents for that fault, and that none of hers, but mine, and I had not grace at that time to lay it to heart; but within some three moneths after I had a fit of Sicknesse, and a grievous touch in my Conscience for that sinne committed against God, and my Sister, as that I saw nothing but desperation, and feared that the horrours of Hell-fire would seize on my soule and body for this sin, and Satan told me, that there was no salvation for me, for God knew me not, neither would hee owne mee; but if I would either hang my selfe, or cut my throat, or take the bed-staffe to thrust down my throat, then I should never be tormented more, but look how an Oxe dyed, so should I.
Then I cryed out to my parents, and said, that I was damned, and that there was no salvation for mee, but that I must goe to hell; then my parents watched mee, and did search narrowly to see what instruments I had prepared: Then the devill did tempt me to rend the pillow, and pick out some of the feathers to swallow them downe, which I did, which had like to have cost me my life, for I was very nigh dead by this means.
Then it pleased God that my parents did send for a Doctor to administer some things to mee, which hee did, and after that, when I was a little recovered, my parents did send for Mr. Newstubs a Minister in Edmunds bury, and one Mr. Rogers another Minister of Deddam, who tooke a great deale of paines with me, and asked mee whom I did beleeve in; and I told them that I did beleeve in God that hee would damne me; and they asked me, if God would damn me because I did beleeve in him; I answered no, but it was for that sin committed against God, and my innocent Sister; and they asked mee, whether I was not sorry for that act, and I told them yes, for I had cause enough to be sorry, for I must be damned for that sin; then they asked mee whether I was sorry with all my heart for my offences, and I told them I had great reason to be sorry, for by this, I had lost the love of God, and my interest in Jesus Christ; they replyed, that Christ had left sweet comforts for penitent sinners, and they were to administer it unto them: But I replyed, it was not for such a sinner as I was; for there could be no salvation for mee: And they told me Christ dyed for sinners, and such sinners as I was, for they said I was a penitent sinner; but I replyed, Christ never dyed for such a one as I was, neither could his mercy save me; then they bad mee have a care how I did presumptuously goe about to judge my owne soule, for God did it, and that I was not fit to judge my selfe in that condition I was under, for they told me, that it was a greater sinne in so doing, then to commit that sinne of Lying against God, for God was a God of mercy, but I had no mercy, thus so rashly to judge my owne soul. Then I replied, that they were as bad as I, for they came to help to carry my soule into Hell head-long; but they told me no, but they would ingage their soules for my soule, that I should finde comfort from them in Christ Jesus; with that I cried out, O happy day would that be that I might finde comfort before my departure; and they told me, that Christ was a Christ of tendernesse, that I was a beloved Christian, a deare Christian, and Christ was a preparing comfort for mee, and it was Christ that had opened my eyes to see my sinne, and he would also open my heart to loath sinne, and he would pardon my sinne; and yet I told them no, that he would never open my heart but with terror, for I was borne to be damned, and must be damned, and that Christ never dyed for such a sinner as I was; this I spoke with great sighing, and they asked me what made me to thinke so, and I told them that I saw nothing but Death, and Hell, and confusion of body and soule; and they asked me why I sighed, and wept, and groaned so sore; and I told them, because now I was a going into Hell, for the Devill with his chaines was ready to throw me into the utter pit of darknes; and they said, Wherefore? and I told them for offending the Lord my Creator, and did wish my selfe to be in Hell, that I might be out of my misery, and that I might no longer see the vengeance of God; with that they went to prayers, each of them an houre, and when the last Minister prayed I cried out, O Lord my God, my King, and Saviour, have mercy upon me a poore distressed sinner; then Master Rogers came unto me, and took me by the hand, and said, That he was glad to heare me call upon the Lord, yet I said I should bee damned, for I was none of his, and that the Lord was none of my God.
But yet the next morning, I had some comfort but that left me againe, and I was under the same condition of ebbings and flowings for sixteen weeks together, before I had any assurance of my salvation; and having taken no rest a long time, I fell into a slumber; and in my sleepe there did appeare unto me a little childe in white, with an apple in one hand, and a white wand in the other: and he carried me until I came into a place where I did see much terrour of fire, & shreeking, and a great deep ditch where was nothing to hold by, yet there I must goe over that burning lake; and he tooke the white wand and laid it over the Ditch, and bad me to tread upon it, and feare not, but that I refused; then he came unto me, and tooke me by the hand and trundled his apple on the wand, which bowled over very levell, and with that I said, It is the Lord, therefore I will venture, and did venture over with this Childe in my hand; and when I came to the shore I cried out with feare, my Lord, my God, and my Saviour, am I in Hell, or am I redeemed out of Hell? with that I awaked, b… ing in a great passion and feare, and there being my friends about me, they told me, that I was redeemed out of Hell; and I asked, How could they tell? had they been there? for I told them that I had newly been there; then I cried out, Oh, where is that sweet Babe that was with me; and they asked me what Babe, and what was the shape of it; and I declared unto them as before, and they told me, That it was Jesus Christ that had appeared in the shape of a Childe, and that hee had overcome Death, and Hell, for me; and I cryed out, and said, Blessed be Jesus Christ for evermore, and did intreat those people that were there with my Father, that they would goe to prayers for me, that those comfortable revelations which I had seen, and my faith in Christ, might never depart from me; yet for three yeares space after I had much foylings, and many ebbings and flowings, and much feare possessed me, that Satan would tel me that I was more afraid of Hell, then of offending God; but boldly I sate up in my Bed, and told Satan, That he was a Lyer, and that I would rather be damned then to deny Jesus Christ, and so Christ did appear very comfortably to me all along, and hath, and doth deliver me out of very many troubles very often, and how to speake of them I doe know no end; yet Satan like a cunning Sophister hath been tampering with mee to despaire in Christ, yet it pleased the Lord to bring many promises into my minde, and that example also of Mary Magdalen, and also of the Woman of Canaan beleeving; that as Jesus Christ had been gracious to them, so he would also be to me; and Christ hath often times revealed unto me, that his grace was sufficient for me, as Christ said unto Paul; I can speake but little of Jesus Christ, but yet I am fully perswaded in my soule, that I should think my selfe very happy, if the Lord please, even to give up my life for the glory and honour of his Name, if the Lord would count me but worthy of such a favour, and I would not for all the Kingdomes in the world, and the pomp thereof, be in such a condition againe; and now my soule doth desire to give up it selfe unto God, and to walke with the people of God in the strictest course that his Word doth prescribe, and for many years together I have had longings to joyne with the people and Saints of God in a Church-fellowship, but still Satan hath been a meanes to hinder me, but now I am resolved, through the strength of Christ, to wade thorow all opposition, desiring to be admitted into this Church.
E. R. July 18. 1652.