Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 2 · Section 3 – Section 10
3 Experiences of F. P.
I Have been troubled at the thoughts of Originall sinne, and at my corruptions, and wretched condition.
I have formerly had some doubtings touching the Scriptures, whether they were truth or not; but I have been since troubled, that I made those foolish doubtings to question Gods Word, and was so wounded in my Conscience for my sinne therein, that I feared I should be damned for it, because I thought it was a sinne that God would not pardon.
I have also strange thoughts about the sinfull wayes of ungodly people, and considering how loosely people live, I had temptations to perswade me, that surely there was some easier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid downe, or then I had learned.
But for these evill thoughts of mine, I have been so afflicted in my spirit, that I thought surely I was a damned wretch.
I have been tempted by blasphemous thoughts against the Lord, which have so afflicted me, that sometimes I feared that the Devil would fetch me away, and carry me to Hell; and I have thought sometimes, that surely God could not in Justice pardon such sins as I have committed.
I have also been tempted to make away my selfe, but the Lord God put it into my minde to consider, that that would not give me ease or comfort, but be the way to enter into endlesse miseries.
And thus I lay afflicted with a most sad and troublesome spirit, for about the space of a whole yeare, yet (though with little hope of my present sence then) I had desires that God would save me, and some groaings I had after him. And in his time (which is best) I began to finde some inlargement of heart from God, to a great longing for Christ, which encreased so much (through the working of his glorious power) that (me thought) I could have been content, to have gone through all the miseries in the world to have enjoyed him.
And in my sleep in the night, I dreamed that I saw my Saviour the Lord Jesus lying in a Grave, and after againe, I saw him risen from death; when I awaked, and had taken in some thoughts into my minde about my dreame, I found comfort in my soule, and begun more sweetly to hope, that Christ Jesus hath dyed for my sins, and is risen againe for my justification; yet the Devil (who goes about like a roaring Lion, did still so tempt me, that I was againe ready to despaire for my former evil thoughts, and I was afraid that Satan would have me; and I doubted that God had no part in me, which caused me to weep much, and I was exceedingly troubled, and sometimes thought, that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me, and (so terrified was my Conscience, that from the thoughts of the wrath that I feared, I could have wished my self a beast, a Dog, or any thing; because their misery would have an end.
But after many comfortable discourses from friends, and my reading of some godly books that came to my hands, the Lord God in time delivered me from those temptations, and hath since comforted me with these promises, to the great joy of my heart, though sometimes since, I have not been without some doubtings.
The Lord hath said, Be content with such things as ye have, for he hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee, so that I may boldly say, the Lord is my helper, Heb. 13.5, 6. The Lord saith, Sin shall not have dominion over you. Rom. 6.14. That hath often given me much comfort, and kept up my soul when I have been ready to despair: And Christ saith, I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another comforter, that he may abide with you for ever, even the Spirit of truth, Iohn 14.16, 17.
And I have this testimony of my interest in Christ, by faith wrought by his blessed Spirit in mee.
1. I see such a frailty in my flesh, that except the Lord send his holy Spirit to enable me, I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my self; it is the spirit of the Lord, and not any thing in me, that is the foundation of my comfort.
2. I have had many times (if my heart deceive me not) clear testimonies and evidences that I do love God more then any thing else, and desire him above all.
3. I desire much to hear the Word, and am troubled that sometimes it doth not so pierce into my heart, as I desire.
4. I have sometimes such sweet comforts and enlargements in my soul, by Gods blessed Spirit, that I finde much peace with God thereby; which I prize above all things in the world.
5. I desire to serve the Lord in all things, and am troubled when any thing obstructs those desires.
6. I hope for salvation and true blessednesse from Jesus Christ my redeemer, and from him alone.
F. P. March 21. 1651.
4. Experiences of C. M.
I Have had much sorrow for my sins, because I know God hath been displeased therewith, and my trouble of spirit hath been so great for them, that it hath often fetched teares from mine eyes, and it hath been the greatest trouble to my soul, that ever I had for any thing,
And some particular things, wherein I was seduced, touching my children, that hath brought some trouble upon them, by my parting with them, hath much afflicted me, fearing that God would damne me for it, and this with my other offences against the Lord, hath often much grieved me.
But my hope is in my blessed Saviour, and that for his sake God will forgive me, for he hath promised, Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts, and let him return unto the Lord, and hee will have mercy upon him, and to our God for hee will abundantly pardon, Isa. 55.7. Christ shed his blood for sinners, and he saith, his grace is sufficient for us; The Lord hath promised to save all sinners that repent and turne to him by faith, Ezek. 18.30. I am a great sinner, and God hath given me sorrow and repentance for my sinnes, therefore I beleeve God will save me, and my iniquity shall not be my ruine.
And as an evidence that I have faith, and thereby an interest in Christ, and that he hath given mee Experiences of his love to mee, I have these testimonies.
1 I love the Lord better then any thing in the whole world, without his love, whatsoever it is.
2 I blesse God, hee hath through his grace, so settled my heart in him, that I doe trust in God for my salvation, and for all; and could be willing to part with all for Jesus Christ.
3 I find my heart (drawn forth by God) to bee much affected with the hearing of the word, and partaking of the Ordinances, which doe more comfort me, then all my injoyments which I have all the week besides.
4 Blessed be the Lord, I find my heart in that quiet frame, and peace towards man, that I have no desire of evil against any one.
5 I hope that I am not deceived in this; that the Lord is at peace, through Christ, with me, and heares my prayers, and will save me through the Lord Jesus for ever.
C: M: March 21. 1651,
5. Experiences of T. H.
MY sins have much grieved me, and I have wept and been much troubled for them, so that sometimes I have thought it would burst my heart, in that I offended the Lord; and this hath often afflicted my soule, so that many times despairing thoughts have made me feare, I have been in danger to be damned for my sins: And I have been throwne down low, considering that every sin deserveth death, and the eternall curse of God.
But I have since (through Gods goodnesse and mercy) had an eye to the Lords gracious promises revealed in his holy word to comfort poore sinners; as That salvation is to be found by those that by faith lay hold upon Jesus Christ; for by grace are yee saved, through faith, and that not of your selves, it is the gift of God, as Paul saith, Ephes. 2.8. I have gone to Christ, and pleaded this promise with comfort. And God hath promised, that if sinners repent and turne to him, he will have mercy on them, in which, together with other promises, I have found much comfort.
And I doe beleeve that the Lord in mercy will save me by the blood of Christ: And as a testimony from God thereof,
1 I find in mine heart, that I love God farre better then any thing else, and account the world, and the things thereof, as nothing in respect of him, who is the Creator and governour of the world, and giver of all good things.
2 I can with all my heart (I hope) be content with any portion in this world, so I have God to be at peace with me, and can say with Job, or at least desire it, if afflictions and losses should be fall me, to say as he said, The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh blessed be the name of the Lord.
3 I finde my heart (I blesse God) much inlarged towards hearing the word, and to prayer and godly conference, and daily find more and more comfort in duties.
4 I desire to discharge my duty with a good conscience towards all men, in all things, and submit to Gods will in crosses, desiring to injoy peace in my conscience, where I blesse God I do find much peace with God, that if I should presently dye, I make no doubt, but through Gods mercies in Jesus Christ to goe to heaven.
T. H. March 21. 1651.
6 Experiences of E.B.
I Have had trouble for sinne; and for that I have found in my heart and conversation that I have not served God; as I ought to doe, it hath been a great grief to me; and looking upon my selfe, as I am in my selfe, and my own strength, I can see nothing that is good, but that I am a sinner, and I look upon my selfe as the worst of sinners, that can hope for salvation, and I see my self an undone wretch without Jesus Christ.
But (to God be all the glory) I have beene often comforted from divers sweet and precious promises, as that the Lord Jesus Christ saith, He will never leave me nor forsake me; and there is my comfort, and my rock where I hope to be safe, if I gaine Christ (as I trust I shal) to be my Savior for ever. Also Christ saith, Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousnesse, for they shall be filled, Matth. 5.6. I have thought of Gods love and his goodnesse, and have found my heart inlarged in the pleading of this promise, and the Lord hath said, He will dwell with a broken and humble heart, to revive the hearts of the humble and to revive the spirits of the contrite ones; from these and divers other promises I have found much comfort.
And touching my propriety in Jesus Chrst, I have these testimonies, sealed from heaven unto my soule.
1 I really love God with all my heart, and above all things, with all my soule, and with all my spirit; I value not any thing in the world in comparison of Jesus Christ, my Savior and my God.
2 My affection and delight is much in hearing of the word, and partaking of Ordinances, desiring to live more closely to the Lord Jesus Christ daily, and I finde much comfort in the word, and a joyfull fellowship and union with the spirit of the Lord in duties.
3 I find a chearfulnesse in my spirit in the Lord in all my crosses, so that through the comforts I finde in him (blessed be God) they are not crosses to me, because I find a sufficiency in the strength of the Lord to beare me up.
4 I finde peace in my conscience (blessed bee my Saviour) and I am fully perswaded, that when ever I shall dye, I shall, through Christ, goe, to God Almighty, and injoy eternall life and salvation▪
E: B:
7. Experiences of G. D.
GOd hath given me a sence of my sinne, and it hath wrought such a sorrow upon my heart, as shall, I hope, never be repented of: worldly sorrow must be sorrowed over againe, but I hope Christ hath borne my sorrow for me, because it hath been for offending him. I have found much trouble of spirit, and Satan hath been very busie with me, and I have been much troubled in conscience, and the devill would have drawne me to desparation, but my God hath supported mee; and through Gods inlightning mee, I knew that despaire brought hell and destruction, but those that trust in him doe never miscarry.
And I have found comfort from these promises, and divers others; Christ saith, Come unto me all yee that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. I have pleaded this promise with God; having found sinne my greatest burden, and nothing hath troubled my spirit more. And I have found Gods grace and goodnesse given in to me in flying to this promise. Christ hath promised, That all that come to him, he will receive, and in no wise cast them out; And he chides us when we doe not come to him, that we may be saved; therefore in all humble obedience I have by faith relyed on the free grace and mercy of my God in Christ for salvation, and am greatly greived that I can serve him no better.
And as a testimony of the experiences of my faith in Jesus Christ my Saviour, and my love to God,
1 I desire to incline my heart more to God then to any thing else.
2 The Lord and his name, is the cheifest object I have, aiming more at the glory of God, then at any thing in the world.
3 I have a great …esire and thirsting after the Lord and his Ordinances, and finde that by faith the Lord giveth my heart great joy in receiving of the word.
4 There is no name under heaven by which I can be saved, but only by Jesus Christ, and he is my rock, and my hope.
5 I beleeve that the Lord is at peace with me.
6 The Lord hath inclined my heart to serve him, though I come far short of my duty, and that troubles me.
7 My hope is in Gods mercy through Jesus Christ, and in him alone; to be saved in him, and for his sake.
G. D: March 21. 1651.
8 Experiences of A. B.
I Have had many conflicts and troubles, and many checks of conscience for my sinnes, which hath been so bitter to me, and the burden thereof so great, that I have had many temptations to despaire of Gods mercies, which did arise from the consideration of my neglect to serve the Lord as I should do; and in my prayers and best actions I have had wandring thoughts.
My sin hath sometimes been so terrible in mine eyes, that I have often thought, that had God been severe in justice towards me, I should have perished every moment, and been thrown to destruction.
And these considerations caused many feares, and doubtings to arise in my thoughts, insomuch, that because of sins, and also of my imperfections in prayer and duties, I have feared that God would not heare me, so that sometimes I have thought it would be in vaine to pray, because I thought surely, God would not hear me, and every crosse that befel me (for I had many afflictions) I thought God laid them justly upon mee, for not performing my dutyes to God in that measure which I should have done.
Yet the Lord (by his grace) put me in minde to consider of that destruction which would befall mee, if I did forsake my God, and the Lord hath since given me a sight of sufficiency in Christ for me.
And I have found comfort from these and other promises, That the Lord hath said, A bruised reed shall he not breake, and smoaking flax shall he not quench, till hee send forth judgement unto victory, Matth. 12.20. And Christ hath bidden all that are weary to come to him, and promised that in him they should find rest, Come unto me all yee that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest, Matth. 11.28. And Christ saith, Him that commeth to me, I will in no wise cast out, John 6.37. I have found great comfort from God to my soule in these promises, and I do verily beleeve, that I am one of those that Christ Jesus will save, and whom hee shed his blood for.
And as a further testimony of my interest in God, by the effects of my faith,
1. I doe desire to spend my life to serve the Lord for the time to come.
2. I love God above all the world, with all my heart and soule, and could be content to leave all for his sake.
3. I doe chiefly desire of all actions in the world to be in duties, and in communion with the Saints and people of God, and to partake of the Ordinances of God in a spirituall manner, esteeming that comfort above all worldly delights.
4 Sometimes I have doubts upon my spirit, and at other time my faith is more cleare, and my soule satisfied that God is at peace with me.
5 I doe beleeve that God doth love me in Christ, and will save me through him.
A. B. March 21. 1651.
9. Experiences of W.C.
I Have been so troubled in conscience for sin, that I have sometimes been in great despair, and it hath brought mee very low, finding nothing in me to satisfie me, but there is enough in Jesus Christ: But I have had many doubtings and troubles of spirit, and that for many years, fearing that Christ would not save me, because of my own unworthinesse, and disability to serve God; and sin was a very great load upon my spirit.
But I found comfort in these promises, and divers others, (viz.)
That, whereby Christ Jesus doth invite us saying, Come unto me all yee that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest, Mat: 11.28. Also Christ saith, Let not your hearts bee troubled, yee beleeve in God, beleeve also in mee, John 14.1. And hee saith afterwards, I will send you the Comforter: and I will pray the Father (saith Christ) and he shall give you another comforter, that he may abide with you for ever, vers. 16. And Christ hath promised that he will save us, if we beleeve in him. Hee that beleeveth in the sonne hath everlasting life John 3.36. Therefore with comfort I have trusted in Christ and applyed these promises to my soule, and I have found peace in God through my Saviour.
And I have found these fruits of the spirit of God working in my heart.
1 In that I love the Lord my God with a greater love then all other things.
2 I have much affection to the people of God, and love them upon that account.
3 I take great delight in the Worship and Ordinances of God, and I finde much comfort from God in duties; and sweet refreshments from communion with God in duties.
4 I am troubled that I cannot walke up more close to God, but I doe sincerely desire, (in all things) to keep a good conscience, both towards God and towards all men.
5 In times of my afflictions and trouble, I finde much peace and content in God, and in all things I desire to submit to the Lords will.
6 I finde much peace in my heart, in that I beleeve God is at peace with mee, and will bring mee to heaven and glory through Jesus Christ.
W. C. March 21, 1651.
10. Experiences of A. C.
I Have had a trouble for my sinnes, which hath been very great, in so much that I had sometimes thoughts, that God would never pardon such a sinner as I was; but that he would surely damne mee; and when I looked or thought on my originall sinne, there I saw nothing but the wrath of God abiding upon me; and I saw my selfe altogether undone without Christ.
But after a great deal of trembling for sinne, I did receive a great deale of comfort in these promises; As it is said, Blessed are the poore in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdome of Heaven, Matth. 5.3. And Christ saith, Hee that comes to mee I will in no wise cast out, John 6.37. And Christ saith Come unto mee all yee that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest, Matth. 11.28. In these and such like promises I have found a great deale of comfort when I was much troubled. And God saith, Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will heare thee, and thou shalt glorifie me, Psal. 50.15. And I have found this promise made good to me many a time, for when I have been very much troubled for sin, the Lord God (blessed be his holy name) hath brought me out of it.
And I now doe beleeve, (I praise my God) that he hath regenerated me by his holy spirit, of which I have these testimonies.
1. My love to God, for I doe love him above the whole world, and I see such an excellency in my Saviour, that it draws my soul out exceedingly to love him, and to have an high esteeme of him.
2 I am heartily willing to part with every thing that offends my blessed Saviour.
3 It doth grieve mee that I can serve God no better then I doe; because he so loved me, that he gave his onelyonly begotten sonne, who dyed for me, So that herein is my great comfort, that Christ will not cast me out, though I am a vile sinner.
A. C: March 21. 1651.