Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 2 · Section 11 – Section 13
11. Experiences of N. B.
WEE read in the eight of the Acts, that Ananias and Saphira his wife sold a possession and laid part of the price at the Apostles feet, Rom. 5. to v. 7. But therein they dissembled with God (and Ananias forthwith dyed) I shall not any way retain any thing that hath laine on my conscience, but empty my selfe of my selfe, least that I now speaking in the presence of God, might be inflicted with the same punishment that Ananias was.
We also read in the 19. of the Acts 18, 19. ver: many that beleeved came confessing their deeds, and those which used curious arts burnt their bookes, &c. mistake me not, my meaning is not, according to the Church of Rome, to thinke; that a bare auricular confession can bee satisfactory with the good intention of the party confessed, or that a meer acknowledgement in publike, in the outward Ordinance, can save the soul; but to give the Church satisfaction, I will unfold my selfe.
I was born a Protestant, and in the pale of the profession of England, and so continued till I was eighteen years of age, at which time, diversities in opinions being in the Land, as concerning Church-government, and the like, I knew not which party to take, but fell to the Church of Rome, in which I firmely continued for the space of four yeares or thereabouts; but at length, being marryed, by my wives perswasions, and frequenting the Protestant meetings, I was somewhat softned, and then I began to contemplate with my self in what a most sad condition I was in: at last I besought the Lord earnestly with prayers, but for a time felt no answer to my troubled spirit from him, which drove me into, almost, a despairing condition; but such was the great goodnesse of God, that with often seeking to the Lord, I found, as it were, a certain assurance within my selfe, that God would bee yet mercifull to me.
Then I applied my self to the book of God, as to that oracle which should resolve my doubting, drooping spirit, where I found many sweete promises.
John 3.14, 15, 16, 17. And as Moses lifted up the Serpent in the wildernesse, even so must the Sonne of man be lifted up. That whosoever beleeveth in him, should not perish, but have eternall life. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever beleeveth in him, should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world: but that the world through him might be saved.
Ezek. 18.21, 23, 32. where he saith, But if the wicked will turne from all his sinnes and keepe my statutes, he shall live and not die, &c. In the 32. verse, For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dyeth, wherefore turne yee and live, Ezek. 36.25, 26, 27, 28. Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and yee shall be clean from all your filthinesse, and from your Idols, I will cleanse you, a new heart will I give you, &c. Isa. 55.1. Ho! every one that thirsteth, come yee to the waters, and he that hath no money, come yee, buy, and eate; come, buy wine and milke without money, and without price: Come unto mee all yee that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. But one place seemed most remarkable to me, Acts 10.43. To him gave all the Prophets witnesse, that through his name, all that beleeve in him, shall receive remission of sins.
Having beleeved these and many other promises, my part I thought was to be done, which was, a true contrition for sinnes past; and sincere determination, never to commit the like sins in time to come, and to looke more narrower after my owne wayes: As Paul speaketh to the Corinthians, 2 Epistle 7.11. For behold this thing, that yee have been godly, so yee see what care it hath wrought in you, yea, what clearing of your selves, what indignation, yea, what feare, how great desire, &c.
Although I had this desire, yet I still had some doubtings, and conflicts within me, whether God would be mercifull to mee, that ever had the injoyment of the Gospell, yet to be an Apostate, and fal from the truth.
But then I streight fled to God by these promises, as to a Physitian for a remedy: And such was the love of God towards me, to rouze me from this bed of sin, wherein I lay, as it were, secure, and so might there, with that multitude have perished; but the lost sheepe is (blessed be God) brought back againe to the sheepfold, whereof Christ Jesus is the Shepheard; and now I will with David say, What shall I doe, I am in a streight, (what requitall to make to God) I will, with David, take up the cup of salvation, and call on the name of my God, &c.
My conscience is now satisfied by the effects that the word hath wrought in me, even
1 A newnesse of life, in relying on him whom my soule loveth, Jesus Christ, without whom there is no salvation; There is no other name under heaven, whereby wee can bee saved, but by the name of Jesus.
The Prophet saith, There is no peace to the wicked saith my God, But they are like the raging sea, casting up mire and dirt.
2. I thank God, that I have through Christ, found some peace with God, and am fully assured of his mercies unto mee in the Lord Jesus, that he wil save my soule, notwithstanding all my sins past; and as the faithfull are one body in Christ, Rom. 12.5. I would not as Balam, desire to dye the death of the righteous, and stil live impiously, but to his glory.
And I desire, that I may walk with this Church so, in his feare, that when I dye I may dye in his favour, and so reigne with him world without end.
N. B. March 21. 1651.
12 Experiences of A. H.
MY condition hath been very sad; I have been drawn away to Popery, and have partaken of all their vilde Idolatry and abominable superstition, for about halfe a yeare, through the perswasions of the Papists; but afterwards I had a very great terror of conscience; and one night was fearfull to sleepe, least the devill should fetch me away. I was much distempered in my minde, and in a sad condition; and after I had slept, I thought (upon my awaking) that I had bin dead & was risen againe; when I was up, I was in a great amaze, and thought that when I saw the fire, that they would burne me in it; and I feared to eate any thing least they should poyson me: and the Devill appeared to me, and stood before me, and did exceedingly terrifie mee; And hee tempted mee to make away my selfe. And I was thus exceedingly distracted for about six weeks, having in that time severall temptations, by the devill to murder my selfe, and sometimes to drown my selfe; but the Lord still hedged my way with thornes, and mightily preserved me, so that I may say, it is a wonderfull mercy that I was not destroyed in hell many a time.
But I afterwards found comfort in many promises: As in that the Lord Jesus said, If thou canst beleeve, all things are possible to him that beleeveth, Mark. 9.23. And he saith, That the Son of man is come to save that which was lost, Matth. 18.11. And hee bids us, goe yee, and learne what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice; for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance; From these, and many other promises, I praise God, I found much comfort.
And I have these evidences of my interest in God.
1 That my love is such to God that I would forsake all to follow him, and am resolved to waite upon him, and to bee content with any thing for him.
2 The Lord hath wrought in me a great affection to the hearing of the Word, which workes much upon my heart, and is sweeter then hony or the honycomb to me,
3 The love of God draws my heart to love him again; But I can do nothing of my self, but through him I can do all things.
4 Though I have many doubtings, yet sometimes I have more full assurance, and beleeve from my Experiences of God, that surely, if God did not intend to save me, he would never have done so much for me, and even when I have doubted, God hath afterwards given it mee in, to conclude, that he doth it out of love to make me to cling the more close to him.
A. H. March 28. 1652.
13. Experiences of D.C.
I Have had great conflicts of soule for my sins, and against sinne, and have shed many tears by night and by day, I have been much troubled at the consideration of such things, as have been at any time a clog to me to hinder me from injoying spiritual communion with God, which I have desired. It is the greatest griefe I have ever had, that I have offended so good a God; And indeed my sins have been a very great trouble to me, and especially, in that God hath given mee such a measure of knowledge, and I have not walked up to it, to live according to the light I have received.
But I have received comfort in Gods promises; Christ saith, All that the father giveth mee shall come to me; and him that commeth to me, I will in no wise cast out, John 6.37. Wherefore come out from among them, and be yee separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the uncleane thing, and I will receive you, and will be a father unto you, and yee shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty; the Lord will receive us if wee repent and beleeve; and Christ cals, Come unto me all yee that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest, Mat. 11.28.
And as a testimony of my regeneration, I have these Experiences, whereof to give account of the hope that is in me.
1. That all my desires are chiefly to seek God in Christ.
2. I finde much comfort in duties, and to joyne with the Saints in Ordinances, and to partake of the things of God.
3. I finde my heart really at peace with all the world.
4. I beleeve that the Lord God is at peace with me, and wil save me for ever through Jesus Christ.
D. C. March 28. 1652.