Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 2 · Section 1 – Section 2
1. Experiences of M. H.
ABout 34 years agon, (I being in my youthfull age) it pleased God to give me an heart to take delight to hear the word preached at many places, but especially at Antholins at the morning Lectures, and this I did often for some time, until Satan did stir up many Instruments to call me Puritane, with many other reproachful tearms, that did make me ashamed to go in publick; but like to Nicodemus by stealth, as it were, in the darke: But when after it pleased the Lord to convince me of Satans wiles, that he was a deceiver from the first, and that in hearing the word preached, those that would be Soldiers in Christs school, must not be daunted for every foyl; and If I did look for salvation by Jesus Christ, I must manfully fight under the Banner of Christ, and so to hold out to the end, if I would be saved.
From the consideration hereof, God was pleased to put courage into my heart, to hold on in the wayes of God, professing the Gospel, which I did, though with abundance of weakness and difficulties; and thus I did continually go on, (though darkly) until about some ten years since, when it pleased God to break forth in his most glorious light by special providence I was brought to see an utter ruine to my soul without a Christ; and though I had heard much of Christ to the outward eare, yet had I no experimental knowledge of him, till about some ten years since the word of Christ shewed me, that my condition was such as Paul speaks of to the Ephesians, that I was dead in trespasses and sinnes, and except I was quickned by the Spirit and by Faith, did hath my soul in the blood of Christ, I was an undone creature, notwithstanding all my long hearing the word preached.
Having then weighed many circumstances, and had conference with many of the people of God, both Preachers and others, I was very much strengthened in faith, and had an assurance of the love of God in Christ Jesus, whereby I did find much comfort to my soul; and about some five years since, hearing some able Ministers of the Gospel hold forth most precious truths, I found much comfort: And more particularly, hearing Mr. Bridges of Yarmouth opening that comfortable Scripture Psal. 42.11. Why art thou cast down O my soul, why art thou disquieted within me? trust in God, &c: His Doctrine was, That a godly man had no just cause to be discouraged, whatsoever his condition was, either sence of sin, or the temptations of Satan, or trouble, or afflictions; but that a man had cause to be humbled for the least sin, but not to be discouraged at the greatest from trusting in God, but to rely upon the Lord by faith in Christ, whatsoever his discouragements were; which hath since caused me to walk in a thankful posture towards God for his unspeakable mercy, and It is my great grief, that I can be no more thankful, seeing I have received so much mercy from God, whom I do daily offend; which hath made me with Paul to cry out, O wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this body of death? But that the next words produce comfort, Blessed be God through Jesus Christ.
But yet after this, it pleased God to suffer me to fall into a sinful condition, by being too confident in my own strength, which fall did cost me abundance of tears, and sighs, and sobbings of heart, even to that heavy sorrowing, that as David said, Even to the breaking and drying of my bones: It made me walk sadly for many months together, even to despair of any helpe.
And seeing that I had brought so much dishonor to God, and scandal to the Gospel, and reproach to the Professors thereof, this did much presse my soul; Considering, that such a Professor as I was before, to stand for the glory of God, in opposing all gainsayers, and then for me to fall; Oh! this did make such gashes in my soul, that the consideration thereof; caused me to walk most sadly, and sorrowfully, and with so much shame, that I could not endure to go in the streets, But that urgent necessity forc'd me to go out for comfort.
Then it pleased God by special providence to cast me under D. Homes his Ministry, and he treated on that subject concerning back-sliding, out of Jer. 14.7. O Lord, though our iniquities testifie against us, yet do thou it for thy Name-sake, for our back-slidings are many. &c. Which Sermon was (by the workings of the spirit of God) effectual unto me, for I was almost under despair before now; yet the Lord was pleased to give me much comfort under this Doctrine, that Saints may be guilty of many back-slidings, yet they should not despair, for that was a greater sin.
Then the Doctor made this Use, that If Saints might break their peace, Wicked and unregenerate men might break their necks.
A second Use was, that A Saint should beware of back-sliding, and make all speed to go to Jesus Christ for more strength to keep and uphold him for the future.
This did give me in some comfort, and caused me to set upon the work of seeking to Jesus Christ more earnestly, because Christ told Paul, that His grace was sufficient for him; I had rested by all that little Mustard-seed-faith I had before, but now it did begin to spring and blossom, to the praise and glory of Jesus Christ, that he should (as it were) snatch my soul, as a Brand out of those burnings of Hell, and establish my poor soule by his free grace, to see all my iniquities laid to the charge of Christ, as Isa. 53.6. All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned every one to his own way, and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all. Which Scripture being opened by a worthy member of that Church Mr. Feak, it did much strengthen my faith.
In the Application, when I came to consider, First, That it was iniquity that the Lord Jehovah had laid on Christ. Secondly, That it was my iniquity that was thus laid on Christ. Thirdly, That it was the Lord himself that did lay it on him. And Fourthly, That the Lord had done it already, it was not now to do.
All these points did so much comfort me, that seeing they were so back'd by Scripture, and such a caution given by the Apostle Paul Heb. 3.12. saying, Take heed lest there be found in you an heart of unbelief, &c. Which is a great sin and plague to any poor soul, this wrought much with me; but then the applying of several other Scriptures, to the everlasting praise of Jehovah, and to Jesus Christ my Saviour: This Scripture was produced in Psalm 68.16. compared with the Apostles word, speaking of Christ, Thou hast ascended up on high, and led captivity captive, and received gifts for men, even for rebellious ones; that the (Lord God) may dwell amongst them. And that of Ezek. 16.7, 8, 9, 10. A precious Scripture for troubled souls, to be meditated on for comfort: That A man being in his filth and guilt, and all over with blood, nay when no eye would pitty him, that then was a time of love to their souls; Oh mercy and free grace indeed!
Then again, considering The new Covenant, to open blind eyes, and to bring Prisoners out of Prison, to the glorious light and liberty of the sons of God, and with his Proclamation, Isa. 55. Ho every one that thirsteth come: And in that of John 6.37 Him that commeth to Christ, he hath promised in no wise to cast out. Though thy sins be as Crimson and Scarlet, yea of such a deep dye, as that with Paul I may say, to be chief of sinners; yet it pleased God to give me in a refreshment stil from the same Scripture, where it is said, This is a faithful saying, that Christ came to save such sinners as I was.
Then some two years after I did begin to hearken out, how I might be joyned with the people of God in Church-fellowship, I had many invitations from loving friends to see the way, and walking under the Ordinances of Christ for the space of five or six years before, at several meetings, and in several places with people fearing God, (but yet much differing in judgement) yet holding the fundamentall Truths of Jesus Christ. All this was in London; But about some two yeares since, or thereabouts, Providence was pleased to cast my lot at Westminster, where once I heard Mr. Henry Walker; and having observed many honest people, both at the hearing of the word publick and private; at last, after I had sought to the Lord both publick and private, by earnest supplication and prayer, that God would be pleased to direct me in so great and weighty a work of being a Church-member; and that the Lord would so direct me by his blessed Spirit, that my onelyonly aymes might be for his glory, the good of others, and with comfort to my own soul: It pleased the Lord to direct my heart (notwithstanding all opposition of Satan, and the perswasion of some others) to resolve to break through all opposition and difficulties to be joyned with this company of honest hearts joyned in fellowship together to worship the Lord God of our Fathers, and to walk in his wayes, according to the strictest rule of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, held forth in his word.
March 21. 1651. M.H.
2. Experiences of L. P.
ABout some twenty years since (I being then with child) was much troubled at some thoughts, which God put into my mind, touching my conversation; which lay so sore and heavy upon me, that I could not tell what to do; Because I saw, though I endeavoured, as much as I could, to do my duty to my God, yet I was not able to live as I should; and then I began to know what the worme of conscience meant, which before I was ignorant of; I then feeling, what untill then I was ignorant of: and the blacknesse of my spirit was such, with the burnings of my troubled and afflicted soule, that I could at that time (for the present) take no comfort in any thing; and had I not been with child, and affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb, I had been in danger (had not God by some other means prevented me) to have destroyed my self, for I had some temptations that way; but my God strengthened me: yet before I was brought to bed, I found peace and comfort; and through grace had such settlement in my spirit, that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly.
But before I attained to this, I had many sore conflicts; until after some considerations that the Lord had put into my minde; as first, touching the child that I went with, because God hath said, The just and innocent slay thou not; and thus considering the innocency of the childe, which the Lord put into my minde, it (through Gods mercy) became a meanes to stay my hand from laying violence upon my selfe.
But for a time I was yet afterwards much troubled in spirit, untill God gave me peace in my soule from these, and other Scripture-promises, that the Lord saith, Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorifie mee, Psa 50.15. Sin shall not have dominion over you, for yee are not under the Law, but under grace, Rom. 6.14. the testimonies now of my conversion, and true beleeving, in which I hope I have a seale of my interest in the Lord Jesus are these, and others.
1 My love to God, which is reall, sincere, and hearty, desiring him above any thing else whatsoever.
2 My relying upon Jesus Christ, having nothing of my owne to rest upon, I fly to him, and rest on him for all, as my alone Saviour and Redeemer.
3 My delight to read the holy Word of God, and to heare, or otherwise to partake thereof, in which I finde much comfort.
4 The comfort which I finde by inlargement of my soule, when God comes in under the meanes in duties, and the loathnesse I have to be taken away from duties, or to be deprived of the ordinances.
5 The peace I finde with my God in my soule, which is sweet, though not without much heavinesse of spirit for my failings I doe not live without waines and changes in my Spirituall life, and faith towards the Lord, for sometimes I can trust God with all, and at other times I meet with some doubtings, yet (blessed be God) I finde still more and more, my doubtings asswaged, and my communion with Christ every day more sweet, and more full.
6 I doubt not, but the Lord Jesus Christ (my Redeemer) will so support me, through his Grace, that whatever my condition hath been, or shal bee here, that I shall not faile of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever.
L. P.