Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 19
Experiences of M. K.
WHen I take a view of my life upon the stage of this world, I may very well compare it to a comicall Tragedy, or a tragical Comedy, or a labyrinth from one sin to another, from one affliction to another. I was indeed the daughter of very godly and honest parents, who diligently brought up their children in the feare of God. My mother who in her dayes was notified for a godly vertuous and religious Gentlewoman, shee, I say, from amongst twelve children, chose me to set her love and affection upon, she told me, it was because she saw something a more tractablenesse and diligence to please her then in the rest, which when I perceived, as then not being seven yeare old, I laid my selfe forth the more to give her content, who tooke great delight to instruct me, to heare me read, and aske her questions. She alotted me a portion of Scripture every day, as likewise a part of Erasmus Rotterdamus upon the foure Evangelists, wherein we both took great delight. About that time I had serious thoughts concerning God the Father, Son and holy Ghost, who putting this part of Scripture into my minde, He that is ashamed of me before men, of him will I be ashamed before my Father which is in heaven; and who so denieth mee before men, him will I deny before the Angels which is in heaven; I then began to examin my self on this manner, what wouldest thou doe, if thou wert tempted, amongst diversities of opinions, to be ashamed of this profession wherein thy parents nurture thee? What wouldest thou doe, if thou shouldest be tempted to deny Christ, and be called to suffer for his sake, as some of thy kindred were in Queen Maries time? wouldest thou not deny thy Master? wouldest thou not run away from thy colours? I resolved, that I would not; and if the Lord would be pleased to try me, he should see how valiantly I would fight under his banner, and what a faithfull souldier I would be; to this I did implore his helpe continually; whatsoever I was about, still my heart was praying, and I desired that God would be pleased to awake me in the night, that I might rise out of my bed to prayer, which (many times) I did; After this manner I spent my dayes untill I was twelve yeares old, at which time it pleased God to take my mother from me, which was some sorrow to me, but being suddenly made my fathers house-keeper, so as it were a mother to ten children, a mistresse over six servants, none to doe any thing without my command or consent, being as it were my fathers right hand, from whom I had this authority; it did not onelyonly stop my sorrow, but caused an exceeding joyfull pride, or proud joy to cease upon my heart, seeing my selfe as it were advanced, being respected amongst the chiefest of the Parish, who were my mothers companions, I representing her person when I was amongst them; then began the cares of the world, and the deceivablenesse of vanities to cease upon my heart, and made me forget my former order, promises, and intentions; and thus I spent almost seven yeares, cumbred about many things, but quite neglecting that one thing which is needfull. About this time, it pleased God to take my father from mee, upon a sudden. I asked my heart, What was the cause of my fathers death? It made answer thus, Because thou hast sinned against God, thou hast not onelyonly omitted much good, but thou hast committed much evill, thou hast spent thy time idlely and loosely, and for thy sake, all thy brothers and sisters are now made fatherlesse and motherlesse. This consideration made such a deep impression upon my spirit, that I refused all comfort for the space of halfe a yeare, crying out continually, My sins, my sins, woe is me my sins! Being demanded by divers godly friends, and reverend Divines, what those sins were that so much troubled me? I told them, sins of omission, sins of omission, they would perswade me that I was young, and that I had not yeares enough over my head to be guilty of so many sinnes by omission that needed so much sorrow, I told them I was old enough to offend God, and to provoke him to anger; indeed, I could not give so ready account of my sinnes, of evill committed, as of good omitted, though they never tooke notice of my sins, yet my heart was witnesse against me: Thus I wearied all my friends with my excessive sorrow, who knew not what to do for me more then they had done. With one consent they sent me up to London, perswading me that the word of God was more plentifully preached there, which made mee willing to come. But missing of my brother to whom I was sent, to be provided for, and resolving to wait upon some Gentlewoman untill I could with conveniency returne downe againe, God by his providence brought me to the wife of Doctour Page, Minister of Deptford, from whom I received great comfort, but in a very short time God tooke him from us all, whose death was greatly lamented. I found such favour and love from all that knew me, and most especially from Mistresse Page, who for the space of three yeares and an halfe, would not suffer me to be away from her one day.
At the end of which time I was married to her eldest son, then living; but the truth is, we had not beene long married, and my husband received his portion, but we tooke a house in Westminster, intending to take some honest course for a livelihood, but there, God knowes, we fell acquainted with some company which did not onelyonly cause much time to be spent in idlenesse, but also almost all our meanes. One man espcially who gave his minde to drinking, and other vices more then any good, hee, I say, was never well contented without my husbands company. Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reason of this course of life, I greatly desired my husband to refraine that mans company, or at least not to suffer him to come so often home to our house, this I begged upon my knees with teares, but could not prevaile, then did the devill set his foot into my heart, and perswade me that by the committing of one sinne, I should prevent many, and so stirred me up to murther him, to which suggestion I cowardly yeelded, and sought all opportunities to performe this wicked act. Here I runne away from my colours; here I denied my Master Christ. In the highest of this hatred (in my sleepe) I thought I was in a very large chamber, sitting behind a table covered with a greene Carpet, upon which lay all manner of Instruments which proclaime death; suddenly the man came into the chamber, whom so soone as I espyed to bee alone, catching up a weapon in my hand, I resolved there to commit the horrid act of murther upon his body, but God who watcheth over his, whether they sleepe or wake, and worketh by meanes, and without meanes, which way he pleaseth, at that time put an end to all my revengefull thoughts, and caused me to heare a voyce in my eare, saying, Vengeance is mine; to which voyce I answered aloud, And thou wilt repay, O Lord, Then waking, hearing my selfe speake, I was in very good charity with him, and left my wrong to God, but reflecting upon mine owne heart, there I found not only these, but a whole nest of most Diabolicall and wicked intentions, which my God was pleased by his preventing graces to smother in their birth, for I no sooner had concluded, that I would fulfill mine own hearts lusts, although I suffered all the punishments due for such and such like sins: wherin I ran away from my Captain, but for all this he had a favour towards me, and sent an Herauld after me to bring mee backe againe: But then began a fresh battle, for my God coming as it were, to see what use I had made of the talent that he had given me, he found it, not only wrapt up in a napkin, but exceedingly abused; and searching my heart, what found he there, but a sinke of sinne, a Cage of uncleane Birds, a Den of Theeves, a place for Dragons, for the Scritchowl, and for the Satyre, these had taken full possession, there was no roome for my God, they kept him out, and what did they there, but made it like a troubled sea; First, telling me my sinnes were greater then could bee forgiven. Dost thou not know (said they) that thy thought-sinnes are sufficient to damne thee, although thou hadst never cammitted any actually? doth not the Scripture say plainly, If a man lust after a woman, he hath committed adultery? which Commandement being broken, brings death. I then tooke a view of all the tenne Commandements written in the Morall Law, to see which of them I had broken, and which of them I had kept, I found them all broken (and at the end of every one was written death) and not onelyonly these, but those sweet commands of my Saviour Jesus Christ, wherein he bids us watch, and pray for your enemies, feed the hungry, cloath the naked, love one another, all which I had likewise broken, which made mee to see nothing to remaine for me but death and damnation. I argued then with my selfe on this wise, I have read, and I have heard, that Almighty God, which by his power made heaven and earth, and all therein, had sent his Sonne to die for sinners, and that there was hopes through his death that I should get pardon; But I had no sooner cast mine eye upon my God and Saviour, but I was dashed from all: Mine enemy Satan thus possessing my thoughts, suggested thus unto me,
Fond foole (quoth he) why dost thou thus trouble thy selfe? take thy pleasure, doe what thou likest, thou shalt never be called to an account for any thing; for as the wise man dyeth, so dyeth the foole, and both rest in the grave together, there is no God to save thee or to punish thee, all things were made by nature, and when thou dyest, there is an end of all thy good and bad deeds; thou talkest of the Scripture, and of a God, and of a Jesus which thou hast heard of there; see thy simplicity now, how canst thou prove the Scriptures to be true? alas, they were made by mens inventions, there is no hold for thee to take there.
Thus being unquiet, I spent many dayes and nights in tears and sighes, and groanes, sometimes thinking with my selfe, If I shall be saved, why am I thus? Then againe, concluding that there was no heaven, no God, no Jesus, no good Angels, onelyonly an hell there was, and devills to carry me thither, who waited in every corner, and behind every doore to snatch me away: And I saw there was no remedy, but the more I strove, the faster I stucke, I fainted; and laid downe mine armes, and cowardly yeelded to the enemy, arguing with my self, If I am a firebrand of hell, a childe of perdition, a limbe of Satan, and my portion is to be with the devill and his angels: why live I longer upon the earth? why goe I not to mine owne place? Thus content to perish, I wandred about the space of halfe a yeare, no man nor woman was privy too, nor knew the least of all my thoughts; at the last concluding that the night ensuing would be my last night that I should stay here on earth, as one desiring to be at home, I carelesly left my family and went to bed, as it were, inviting the Devills to come and take their due; but marke, I pray you, the goodnesse of our God, who was with mee all this while, and I was not aware of it, for even that same night, The little dogge leaping upon the bed, I thought it was the Devils who was come then to fetch me away; I screamed forth aloud, but when I perceived it was the dog, and not the Devill, I began to thinke, That surely there was a God that had preserved me all this while.
In a most grievous agony I spent that night weeping, and although it was Winter, yet I sweat that the water ranne from off every part of my body. Being in this sad condition, I thought it was not right, but surely some meanes might bee used to get out of it. I rising the more early in the morning, went up into the highest roome that was in the house, and looked forth at the window to see if I could see God, there I beheld the Trees to grow, the Birds to flie, the Heavens how they hanged, and all things that were before me, then I thought they could not make themselves, no more then I could make my selfe, and that we must needs have a Maker, and this Maker must be strong and powerfull; Then I fell downe upon my knees crying out on this manner, O God, if there be a God, shew thy selfe to me a poore miserable wretch, that am at the point to perish; Then I thought I saw the Lord but with a frowning countenance, hee looked upon me as if he had said, Thou hast displeased me, and I will not heare thee, and turning his back went from me, which sight was as a dart thrust through my soul for the space of halfe an houre, divers thoughts entred into my heart, but before I rose from off my knees, I resolved to become an earnest suiter to him, and not to doe any thing more that should displease him, hoping that he would be intreated for that which was past.
But now, I beseech you godly Christians, to take notice of the wonderfull workings of our good God, whose judgements are unsearchable, and his waies past finding out, that hee had knocked many times at the door of my heart, and had but small and slight entertainment; but now came violently and powerfully to take possession of his own, and set me about his work in my selfe; then I beganne to thinke what I should doe, and whither I should goe to pacifie the wrath of this terrible and dreadfull God, by whose providence, I was brought to the Parish Church in Westminster, where Mr. Dod, a very godly and reverend Divine, was preaching a Funerall Sermon, I went in, hoping to heare some comfort (giving attentive heed) his text was, With my dead body they shall arise; see here, my God did not onelyonly make a scourge of small cords, and whipped out the buyers and sellers, but he did over-turn, and over-turne, and over-turne, for this Minister did not onelyonly preach to the people, but shewed me as it were in a looking-glasse mine owne condition, and told me that by the gates of hell many times God was pleased to bring his servants to heaven; being hungry and thirsty, I was glad of a little food, and presently catcht hold of that word; Is it so thought I, then here is comfort for me, I wil about my worke, if it please God to assist mee: In his Sermon he asked us divers questions, to which my heart made answer, so that I came home joyfull, longing to heare more of his doctrine, which so fell out as if it had been on purpose for my sake, for the space of a monethmonth, or five weekes, I did hear two, three, foure, or five Sermons from him constantly every weeke, wherein he bid me try and prove whether I had faith or no, whether I did hate my sinnes or no, and what have been the signes and fruits thereof: He likewise bid me search the Scriptures, for they are true, and compare my condition with the children of God there, but after he was sensible of my condition, which I made knowne to him privately, he was very laborious to bring my soule out of the jawes of death, and to raise it to Jesus Christ, for which paines, I hope my God will reward him to his everlasting comfort.
But one thing I had almost forgot, When I was in the depth of my spirituall dejection, I was utterly denyed all outward comforts, my God hiding his face I was troubled, the Sunne, the Moone and the Starres, seemed in their courses to fight against me, my neighbours fell out with me, and mocked me, my kindred deserted mee, my Captaine Christ offended, made me run the gauntlet, and every souldier had a lash at me, whatsoever happened unto mee, brought sorrow to my heart.
But when I was perswaded that the Scriptures were true, I set my selfe to search them, to see what comfort I could finde there, beginning at the Alpha of Genesis, I found in the beginning God created the Heaven, and the Earth, and all therein; well then, thought I, there is a God; but viewing a little further, I found that God offended, and man in a lost condition, but presently a remedy promised; going on, I found the Paschall Lamb, the brazen Serpent, the bunch of Grapes, the scape Goate, and divers other things to bee types of that promised Seed; I likewise took a view of the afflictions of Joseph, David, and Job, that did much ease my griefe. Coming to that place where my God spake by his Prophet, Come, let us reason together, though your sinnes were as scarlet, I will make them as white as snow; though they were like crimson, they shall bee like wool; and though you had laine among the pots, yet shall you be like Doves wings, covered over with silver; then I thought will the Lord reason with sinners? will he vouchsafe a Parley? O that I were able to answer him one of a thousand! O that these promises belonged unto mee! O that this God were reconciled unto me! how happy should I bee? how happy is that man whose transgressions are forgiven, and whose sinnes are covered? O, how blessed is that man unto whom the Lord imputeth no sinne! I found the same Prophet prophesie of my Saviours birth, in his ninth Chapter, and in his fifty third hee lively sets forth his Passion, and in the fifty five, the Lord inviting me with a Proclamation; Ho, every one that thirsteth, come; then I answered, Lord, I would faine come, but how shall I come? I have nothing to bring to pacifie thine anger, O that I could see thee smile upon mee, as once I saw thee frown, how happy should I be: then I called to minde that I had heard, and read, that Jesus Christ shed his blood for sinners, and that whosoever beleeved in him should be saved; I was something incouraged to petition in his Name on this manner.
Heale me O Lord, and I shall be healed; turne me, and I shall be turned; convert me, and I shall bee converted. O save me, my God, and I shall be saved; take away this stony heart of mine, and give me an heart of flesh; renew a right Spirit within me, restore me to those joyes that I was wont to finde in thee, for thy loving kindnesse is better then thousands of rivers of oyle; O cast mee not away with whom thou hast had so much patience withall; O cast me not away whom thou hast bought with so deare a price, O forsake mee not in this my great necessity, O looke upon that ever streaming fountaine of thy Sonnes blood, which is poured forth for all them that beleeve; Lord I beleeve help thou my unbeleefe; O pardon, pardon I beseech thee, forgive me all my sins, my Sermon-sins, my Sabboth-sins, my every days sins, my other peoples sins, my sinnes of omission, my sins of Commission, my sins of ignorance, my sinnes of knowledge, my sins of presumption, my sins of wilfulnesse; O Lord; forgive me my knowne and secret sins, O pardon the sinnes that I have committed this day, O speake the word onelyonly and thy servant shall be healed, Amen.
Thus when the Lord had opened my mouth to speake unto him, I gathered a great deale of strength, and had much hope that he would be intreated; but not setting so great an esteeme on my Saviour Jesus Christ as I ought, I thought I must bring something with mee to pacifie my God, I thought I must make my selfe all faire, and beautifull before my God would love me, but how to doe this I knew not; for the space of eleven yeares I sought all opportunities to please him, yet when I examined my wayes, workes, and actions, I found they were so farre from pleasing him, that they were rather motives to stir him up to anger, if he should be severe to marke what I did amisse; many times I thought upon the sad condition that I had been in, and how the Lord had restored me, then my heart was elivated, and over-joyed; I found a great deale of love in my selfe towards God, but was not sure of Gods love to me, which I esteemed above all the world; the honour of God was so deare unto me, that I could sometimes say unto him, Lord, if there be no way to bring honour to thy Name but by my confusion, then let me be confounded; but sure Lord, thou maist gaine more glory in saving me, then in damning me, the dead cannot so bring honour to thy Name, for who shall give thee thanks in the pit? the living, the living they shall praise thee, as I hope to doe hereafter, Many times I prayed, and had my Petitions granted presently, and at other times I prayed, and was denied what I begged, but had what I desired in a better way; in all Dispensations I found my God with mee, either with his preventing, assisting, or supporting Graces; I received innumerable favours from him, yet could I not bee perswaded that they came from his love, but that rather they were to augment my score; I was still labouring and enquiring how I might come to bee assured of Gods Love, which he was pleased at length to shew me insome measure, on this manner; In the sixt of John I heare my Saviour Jesus Christ telling me, that I cannot come to him except God our Father draw me, and if I come to him, he will in no wise cast me out, but will raise mee up at the last Day; I am perswaded that it was my God alone, that did draw me to my Saviour Jesus Christ, that wil receive me, and will raise mee up at the last Day. In the seventeenth of John, I heare him praying to his Father for mee, whose request I am confident shall not be denied.
Nay further, by faith I see my Saviour Jesus Christ suffering for mee, nailed upon the Crosse for mee, wounded, buffeted, stript, and spit upon for me; dead, buryed, rose againe, ascended into Heaven, and sitting on the right hand of his Father, and my God, making intercession for mee; which gives me assurance of my Gods everlasting and unchangeable love, in, and through my Saviour Jesus Christ towards mee, and that not for any thing that was in me, but for his sake, he said unto mee, when I was in my blood live; and I know I doe beleeve and am regenerated by the Holy Ghost:
1 Because I find such an alteration in my selfe, that whereas before I could not beleeve there was a God, now I am sure there is a Great and an Almighty God, and he is my loving Father.
2 Before I durst not lift up mine eyes to Heaven, now I can with boldnesse cry, Abba, deare Father.
3 Before I did not regard the people of God, now all my delight is with the Saints that are upon the earth.
4 I love to heare my God wel spoken of, it grieves me to hear, or see him dishonoured.
5 I long to see my Saviour, and to kisse those wounds from which issued streames of Bloud, which pacified Gods anger towards me.
6 I rejoyce when I thinke of death, knowing that it is swallowed up in victory.
7 I often heare this voyce in mine eares, Arise ye dead, and come to Judgement; I rejoyce to heare this saying, He that shall come, will come, and will not tarry.
8 I desire a sanctity of Life, and helpe from my Father to discharge my duty in that Calling wherein God doth place me.
9 I long to heare him speake, who saith in the Omega of the Revelation, Behold, I come quickly, and my reward is with me; even so come Lord Jesus, come quickly. Amen, Amen.
M. K.
The end of the first part.