Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 9
Experiences of A. J.
VVHen it pleased God to call my husband from mee, which was about eight yeares since, I was (for a time) exceedingly cast downe, and troubled, as I thinke any poore creature could bee; in which I was so overwhelmed, that I did not know which way to turne my selfe, nor what to doe, yet seeking the Lord, to finde out what was his minde in the thing: I had lost a good estate, had no body to looke after my businesse, had many injured mee, and had lost (above the rest) a precious husband, whom I intirely loved, yet the Lord put it into my heart, that all this was to weane mee from my sinnes, and too much doting upon an Husband, and other worldly injoyments, which my heart was too much taken up with, therefore the Lord was pleased to strip mee of them in a great measure, to bring mee nearer to himselfe.
I went to divers places to heare severall Ministers, by waiting upon the Ordinances to seeke after the Lord, if possible I might finde comfort, and satisfaction to my soule herein, but continued in much affliction upon my spirit, for neare a yeares time; but at last I heard Mr. Jenkins upon a Lords Day in the after-noone, preaching out of the 21. Chapter of John the 18. and 19. verses, Verily, Verily, I say unto thee, when thou wast young; thou girdedst thy selfe, and walkedst whither thou wouldest; but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not. This spake he signifying by what death he should glorifie God. The consideration of which dispensation from God to him, drew forth my heart to bee contented with whatsoever the Lord should be pleased to lay upon me: and I was satisfied to suffer or beare any thing, in that it was the Lords will to glorifie himself, by such dispensations towards the Saints.
And the Lord hath since made me as he did David, to be contented as well with his rod, as with his staffe; and then, and since, I praise the Lord, I can say with David, It was well for me, that I was afflicted. And I was comforted with that example of the woman in the Gospel, to whom it was said by Christ, that it is not lawful to take the childrens bread, and to cast it to dogs, in that I could say with her, truth Lord, but the dogs may licke the crums that fall from their masters table; and I remembred Gods dispensations towards Job and David, and resolved with Joshua, that I and my house would serve the Lord. And although it was a bitter pill to me to beare the crosse before, yet now my God hath made it easie; and I praise the Lord, through his grace, I can goe under it with a great deale of comfort; and hee hath now discovered to me the way of his working in those things, which before were wonderfull strange to me.
Many speciall promises I found great comfort in, some that I remember are these that follow, (viz.)
1 Pet. 5.6, 7. Humble your selves therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Casting all your care on him, for he careth for you. This promise I have found of a truth made good to me in some measure, I have applied it often, and have found the comfort of it.
2 Corinth. 1.29. My grace is sufficient for thee. From this place I found much comfort, knowing the fulnesse of so glorious a portion.
James 1.2, 3, 4. Count it all joy, when ye fall into divers temptations, knowing this, that the triall of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect worke, that ye may be perfect and intire, wanting nothing, this administred great joy to me against all temptations.
Esa 55.1. Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters of life, and he that hath no money, come ye, buy and eat. This gave great comfort to my soul at several times, though it was never so much cast down.
And that which gives mee great content and comfort is, the seale of Gods Spirit in my heart, giving evidence of peace in the blood of Christ, between God and my soul, by these testimonies.
1 My love to God is so, that I am confident (if the Lord keep me with this Spirit, which at this time he hath bestowed upon me) I could be content to part with any thing, or lay downe my life for his glory, if he should call me to it.
2 The Lord hath beene pleased so to inrich my soule with his Spirit, that I loath the things of the world, when they would draw me, in any thing, from submitting to the motions of Gods Spirit in my heart: I once thought nothing could have drawne me from the love of the vaine things of the world, but now I doe as much disdaine them for God, and more than then I loved them.
3 I doe desire to follow Gods Ordinances, and finde great inlargements of my heart to God, both to, and in the Ordinances: And particularly from Mr. Saloway, Mr. Strong, Mr. Walker, and others, as also at meetings from Mr. Valentine, and others, from whom many things have fallen that have much refreshed my soule, and I finde my heart in duties to God, more refreshed than in any thing.
4 I finde much peace in my conscience, because of a free submission which his Spirit hath wrought in my soule to all the commands of Jesus Christ; and I find comfort in that true circumcision which is in my heart, wrought by his Spirit.
5 I finde every day so great a peace in my soule, and such comfort in God, that I could be willing, and I blesse God, finde in me a readinesse to dye every moment.
A. J.