Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 8
Experiences of I. B.
ABout seventeen years since, a Childe of mine about six yeares of age, when I have bid him goe forth to play, he hath come in againe very solitary because other Children would swear, and some be deboyst; I would aske him, Robert, what ayleth you, why doe you not goe to play? he would answer, That he had no fellowes to play withall, but such as would swear, and the like, and they could not be (said he) Gods children. I would say, Why not Childe? then he would say, No Mother, though I am but a little way in my Booke, yet I have learnt, that God will not pardon such sinnes, as swearing; I have sometimes said, Yes Childe, I hope God will pardon them, else God helpe thy Father, and God helpe us all: Then he hath replyed, Mother, with great repentance God can forgive, for his mercies are great; but good Mother, let us forbeare that which is evill. And many times I had such conference with that Childe, that seeing me troubled about it, he hath said; Good Mother be content, their Parents are such, and they must needs learn after them.
I thought upon my Childes words, and having before often offended God, about gathering of Flowers in my garden on the Lords Dayes, and the thoughts of other failings in my conversation, it wrought great trouble upon my heart, so that I was much afflicted in soule, considering that my Childe, so young, should give me such instructions; which hath proved a blessing to me, to bring me home to him; I did then make some doubt whether God would forgive me those sinnes, and about that time hearing Doctor Usher preach several Sermons, and particularly upon that Text, That we are but sojourners and travellers here; and shewing that wee are not at home, therefore we must keepe on in the streight way to Heaven, and take heed of the broad way, which leadeth to Hell, which then, as also other meanes since, did much throw me downe low under the sense of sin, yet not without sometimes some refreshments.
And from a Sermon I heard preached by Doctor Usher, That the Lord is the shield and defence of those that trust in him; I had some comforts in my hopes in the Lords mercies, but I found many doubtings stil; yet about seven years and an halfe since, Mr. Tompson made a Sermon at Liverpoole, then besieged by the Enemy, shewing, That we must lay hold on the Lord, and hold fast, and he would lead us through all troubles; and the Tuesday sennit after it was lost, where many were killed and taken, I blesse God, I had no hurt at all, which did give me much comfort, that the Lord of his mercy had so delivered me; I did, and still do hope that the Lord had a further mind to save me to come to him, to draw me more neare to himselfe; which together with some other deliverances of the Lords great mercy, I tooke great comfort in, so that when I had scarce bread and water, and I have been streightned since, yet I found still comfort from the Lord for my selfe, and to be an instrument to helpe others, who were prisoners by the Enemy.
And the Lord then, and since hath by his Spirit comforted mee with severall promises, which I praise God I can apply to my particular interest and propriety, by which I have a testimony of my true beliefe, some of which are these which follow.
Gen. 15.1. The word of the Lord came unto Abraham in a vision saying, Fear not, Abraham, I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward. I had found the Lord to be my shield in those many deliverances he had wrought for me, and had taken away that distrustfull feare, which before was upon me, and therefore I was, and still am confident he will be my exceeding great reward.
Psal. 119.57. Thou art my portion, O Lord, I have said that I would keep thy words. The same God wrought in my heart, to say with David, that I would keepe thy word, O Lord; (though I cannot as I should, yet) my desire is to keepe it, my minde is to keepe it; therefore I presume with David to say, Thou art my portion, O Lord.
John 15.5. Christ saith, I am the vine, yee are the branches, he that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit, for without me ye can doe nothing. I know my selfe to be nothing without Christ, and therefore (though I have infirmities; yet) my heart abides in Christ. And therefore I hope to finde righteousnesse and salvation not in my selfe, but in Christ, desiring also that I may bring forth fruit, as a branch in him.
Rom. 8.1. There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit: I finde my selfe to be one of those, who walke in my heart after the wayes of God, to which I am led by his Spirit, and not after the flesh: though I cannot serve God so well as I would I do as well as I can; and am troubled in my spirit for my failings, and therefore I beleeve I shall never be condemned.
And I have these testimonies of my conversion, and sincere love to God, as the fruits of my faith.
1 The Lord hath by his Spirit manifested to my soule, that the wisdome of the Spirit is life and peace, and the Lord hath wrought that peace in my heart, that I doe not desire in any way to breake from it, for any other enjoyments whatsoever.
2 This I desire to be built upon, that I may finde Christ for my life and peace.
3 I finde that the Lord hath greatly wrought upon mee, and my minde is fully affected with the Lord, out of whom I doe not care for any thing that is in the world.
4 My desire is wholly to serve God, and leave all things in the world as vaine, muck, and trifles for the injoyment of him.
5 My love is so much to Christ, and God in Christ, as that having him, I know I have all things, and without him, I have nothing.
6 I finde that I have great comfort, and am much refreshed by Ordinances, a feeling of the Spirit is frequently wrought upon my heart therein, and I have received a great deale of comfort therein, when I have beene weake; and it hath been a refreshing to me, when food hath been scant. And particularly, from severall Sermons preached at the Abby at Westminster, by Mr. Whitaker, Mr. Marshal, Mr. Carter, and others, as also Mr. Peters at Whitehall, Dr. Homes at Clarkenwel, Mr. Walker at Knightsbridge, and at other private meetings of godly people.
7 I find that the comfort of the Ordinances are more sweet to me, then all the pleasures, riches, or friends in the world; for they are contenting comforts, and so are not worldly things.
8 I could finde in my heart willingly to dye, and leave children, brothers, sisters, and all the world besides, to goe to my Christ.
J. B.