Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 10
Experiences of A. A.
ABout two yeares since, my Husband was sore wounded, which I tooke as a great triall, not having above a month to goe with childe at that time, and I was troubled at it. And about a quarter of a yeare after I was up, all my children were sicke together of the small pox.
Yet all this did not worke upon mee inwardly so sensibly, as about a month afterwards, when one of my children dyed suddenly, when I thought hee had beene neare well, then I said, the wages of sinne is death, thinking that the Lord had warned mee by threatnings fatherly before, but I did not hearken to him, and therefore I thought he smote me now, by the death of my childe. But yet I could not enter into any particular sinnes that God should strike at, onelyonly in generall; I sought the Lord, that God would lay open my sinnes to mee, I was very much troubled, that the Lord tooke my childe so suddainly from mee: but I was comforted several times from Mr. Strong, in some Sermons preached from the words of the Church to Paul, going to suffer at Jerusalem, Act. 21.14. when he would not bee perswaded, we ceased, saying, The will of the Lord be done.
So I was setled pretty wel in my thoughts, untill about a quarter of a yeare since, suddenly the Lord stroke the elder of my two children then living, which was a Boy, my other, which is a Girle, I did not so much value, but now I doe, and know Gods mercy in sparing her, but my childe that then dyed, was the chiefe comfort that my heart was fixed upon in this world, which hath beene so great a griefe to me, that I have slept few nights quiet since, I did desire to know the minde of God what he would doe with me.
Sometimes I should have dispaired through great buffetings inwardly, but that the Lord sustained me. Sometimes I thought that the wrath of God was kindled against mee, thinking never to have comfort in this world againe. But blessed bee the Lord for it, he hath often comforted mee in this, that I have thought he did it in love to mee; yet sometimes I have feared that I should despaire, and that the hand of God was against mee in it, having beene sometimes troubled with thoughts, that I was the death of my children.
Thus I have been between hope and dispaire, and could not finde what the will of God was in it towards me: and I have had many feares that the hand of God is still against mee, for further punishment, because I have had many temptations upon mee, in low thoughts of God. But I have gone to prayer, and desired the Lord to deliver mee, and discover his minde to me, in every thing that I doe, and have found a willingnesse to part with any thing, even to cut off a limbe, or any thing if I could finde out what it was: and I blesse God I have found a good spirit resisting the bad. Yet I have beene under much feare, that I was not a childe of God. But it hath pleased God to comfort me in this, that Pauls life was subject to temptations, and therefore I had hope to cast my selfe upon the mercies of God, resolving that then if I perish, I perish, never daring to offend willingly in any thing, that I know to be a sinne; and yet I know I am a wretched sinner, but yet I humbly desire to doe the will of God, so farre as I am able. And in that I can say with David, Psalm. 42.1. As the Hart panteth after the water brookes, so panteth my soule after thee, O God. I finde comfort with him to say, Why art thou cast downe, O my soule? and why art thou disquieted within mee? hope thou in God, for I shall yet praise him, for the helpe of his countenance, verse 5. And I will looke unto the Lord, with the Prophet Micha, I will waite for the God of my salvation, my God will heare me, Mich. 7.7. And I have found much comfort in applying severall promises to my soul.
Matth. 5.4. Christ saith, Blessed are they that mourne, for they shall be comforted: As God hath given me a mourning spirit for my sins, so I beleeve that in his time I shall be comforted, and I have tasted, I blesse God, of the comforts of his spirit in my soule.
Isay 55.1. The Lord saith, Ho! every one that thirsteth, come yee to the waters, and he that hath no mony, come yee, buy, and eate, yea, come, buy wine and milke without mony, and without price. As the Lord hath made my soule to thirst for him, so I doubt not but to finde him.
And the Lord sweares, Ezek. 33.11. As I live, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way, and live; I thank God, my heart and soule is turned from all things cheifly after the Lord.
And as at other times, so in a speciall manner, I have found sweet evidences of my faith and interest in God through Christ; since, I had lately much comfort from a Sermon Preached by Mr. Strong, who shewed that afflictions did not make us low in the sight of God, though before men; as also from words at a conference by Mr. Valentine, That in the world we shall have tribulations; but in God rest.
And, 1. I doe clearly find that my love is more set upon God then upon any thing.
2. I could more willingly leave the world now, then ever before, and I could willingly dye, if God saw it good, in the mind I now am.
3 I find in my heart, that I doe so cast my selfe upon God, that I have peace with God.
4 In times of doubtings, I find comfort that I have a God to cal upon, and I finde much peace in my minde in returnes from God.
5 I do always find, when any evill thoughts arise, a power from God which subdues them, so that I never willingly give way to them.
6 I find my affections ready to go forth both to duties, & in duties to God; and when I come to them with little affection, yet I blesse God I finde a great deal of comfort usually before I go away.
7 The most comfort to my spirit is, when I am weeping for my infirmities, or at prayer, or duties, in publique or private, me thinks I find such joy in them, that I could dwel there, having no comfort in the world like that.
8 I finde in my heart a reall love to all: if any have wronged mee, I doe not desire revenge, but that I may be at peace with all.
9 Whatsoever I finde to be a truth from God, and a motion of his spirit, I finde in my soule a willing submitting to it.
A. A.