Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 7
Experiences of AE. L.
I Had about three yeares since, some great griefe upon my spirit about a Daughter, which was brought to great sufferings, and by reason of her going away in her affliction, I thought she had made away her selfe: God put it into my thoughts to remember my sinnes; and that God had laid this affliction upon me, for neglecting my duty to him, and not serving him as I ought. This caused great sorrow in me, and aboundantly to shed teares: my sins I thought was the occasion that the Lord made her so great a crosse to me, for which I had deserved it, so that both became a great griefe to my soule; and thus I lay languishing in very great sorrow: Then I began to thinke with my selfe that there is no refuge but only in Christ: and I consulted my thoughts, how to goe to good company, and meetings, where I might find comfort from the people of God.
And about two yeares and a quarter since, one morning I came to Mr. Squibs to joyne with godly people that came thither to prayer, though with a great deale of distraction in my mind; and I shewed my discontents and condition to him, which he was presently capable of: And he told me, that if I had but a mind to seek God, and to repent, he was gracious, and would receive me to mercy: The thing that I did earnestly begge of God was, to know Christ Crucified for me; and he told me, that indeed was the best of all: And after some good instructions which he had given mee, and some things from others, I was much delighted to frequent the meetings of Gods servants, and good Sermons; and I found many good operations upon my heart.
And after very strong conflicts, which I had had thus for about three quarters of a yeare, lying in my bed, and waking all the night, and calling upon God, to direct me to aske at his hands those things which might bee for his glory, and my comfort, and begging that the Lord would give me a setled heart, that might not be dispersed to and fro with the things of the world. In the morning I fell into a slumber, with God still in my thoughts, in which I heard as it were a voyce from heaven speaking to my heart, and saying thus, Aske of God a perfect upright heart to walke in his presence; which when I was more fully awake, I tooke to be the motions of Gods Spirit upon my Conscience, which did fill me with much joy, provoking me to pray to the Lord to grant mee that grace.
And about two yeares since, the Lord gave me yet a sence of my sins in a greater measure then before, and my repentance was greater for my sinnes, and more spirituall, and my hatred of sinne more reall. And I then found a sore combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit, being more sensible how I had lived from the rule of the Gospell, and did yet come short of my duty therein, and it was a great griefe to my heart, that I could not live according to that which God had revealed of his will to me.
And about this time, whilst I was thus troubled in spirit, I heard some things in everall Sermons preached by Master Bond, touching the sins of our naturall corruptions, and what holinesse God requires of us. And I heard Mr. Carter, shewing that we should strive to enter in at the narrow gate, so that it wrought in my heart a very great sence of my sins.
And in these conflicts I met with many discouragements: and Satan did tempt me to despaire, but the Lord sustained me. I considered, that as a sinner I deserved nothing but Damnation, but my comfort was in Christ: and my griefe was interlaced with comforts: sometimes I was in sorrow two or three dayes, and sometimes a week, and then againe found comfort, and still often prayed unto the Lord to lay no more weight upon me, then he would give me strength to beare, and I found the Lord to be my shield and buckler, and remembred many promises from the Lord, in which to this day, I blesse God, I have, and still doe find much comfort.
Psal. 34.19. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivereth him out of them all: I have had many afflictions for my sins, but none but Christs righteousnesse is my comfort, in whom I trust for deliverance.
Ezek. 33.11. As I live saith the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turne from his way and live: turne ye, turne yee, from your evill wayes, for why will yee dye, O ye house of Israel.
Matth. 11.28. Come unto mee all ye that labour, and are heavie laden, and I will give you rest.
Ezek. 18.30. Repent and turne your selves from all your transgressions, so iniquity shall not bee your ruine.
Esa. 43.25. I, even I am he, that blotteth out thy transgressions for my own sake, and will not remember thy sins.
These and divers other promises, I praise God, I have had comfort from, and as the fruits of my faith, and my love to God, I have these Evidences wrought by his Spirit through faith in my heart, as a further manifestation of my interest in Christ.
1 I beleeve in the promises of the free mercies of God, in the merits of Christ, and can apply them with comfort to my owne soule as mine by faith.
2 My heart and my mind affects God over all the pleasures and joyes in the world, and when I thinke of the things of the world in relation to God, I thinke that without God all is but vaine and vanity.
3 When I thinke of my crosses and afflictions in the world, then I lift up my heart to God in Christ, and can say, Having thee, I have all things; if I have Christ, I have enough.
4 My heart rejoyces in duties, and my soule doth more rejoyce in hearing the word, than in worldly pleasures.
5 I have the peace of God upon my conscience, which is more to me than all things in the world, and makes me set the world at naught, and it is my prayer, that I may never be without that peace of God whatever befals me.
6 The Lord hath given me a contented minde in what condition, soever the Lord doth bring me to; and his Spirit worketh upon my heart, that I doe not repine against his will.
AE. L.