Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 6
Experiences of D. M.
ABout forty yeares since, through many crosses increasing upon me, like an armed man. I flew unto God to seek his mind by prayer, and he discovered to me that it was my sins, which were then set before me; which caused me to feele the hand of God by afflictions upon me, that sin was the cause of my sufferings, which lay very heavie upon me, and terrified me, so that I thought I had been in the way to damnation: and that if I had been in the way to salvation, every affliction would not come so upon me, greater then I thought I could be able to bear. In particular, The Lord discovered to me, that I had too much loved my Husband in a fleshly love, making an idoll of him, and therefore he justly became a great terrour to my spirit, first he became an enemy to goodnesse, and so an hinderance to me in comming to Christ. And also, that while I thus doted on him, he went away from me: I feared, through the sence of that and other sins, together with the aggravation of my afflictions, that God did not love me; Yet it struck into my heart, that God did not strike willingly, and therefore I endeavoured to see what was the minde of God in it, who had taken away my husband, goods, and all, from me; namely that he had done it, that I should not hang upon husks, but that I should love him.
And I found that I had loved the world too much, and set my heart too much upon these Creature-comforts, and therefore the Lord tooke them away from me. This wrought upon me great troubles, and despaire; that I cryed untill I was almost blinde: And I had great feare and trembling upon me, that I could not pray, nor heare with profit, but thought it was in vaine for me to pray, whom God loved not, and whom I had so offended.
And about a quarter of a yeare after, I had a temptation by Satan to drown my selfe in a Pond neare Leeds in York-shire, whither the Devill led me, telling me that I might doe it there; it being a private place where no body could see me; and I was by him drawn out thither, and came to the Pond side, but by the providence of God, having a great love to a young infant I had then, I tooke that childe in my armes; and when I came to the place, I looked upon the childe, and considered with my selfe, what, shal I destroy my selfe and my poor child? and cryed unto God, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? and I had a sore conflict at that time with the Devill; But me thought at last, I heard the Lord saying to my soule, as he did to Paul, Trust in me, my grace is sufficient for thee. And then I found some comfort, which inlarged my heart, through the assistance of Gods Spirit, to call upon the name of the Lord, for further assistance and comfort, and so I went away back with much joy, beleeving that I should have the favour of God.
And the Lord put it into my mind to goe to one E. B. that dwelt by a Moor side near Leedes, whom I knew was a godly woman, and she opened to me the troubles of David, and Job, and gave me sweet comfort, saying, God is by me, and I did not see him, as Job wished, so she wrought upon my hart to wish, O that I could see him, O that I could behold him; and my heart was full of joy, and I cryed, and was much grieved, with very great repentance that I had been so seduced, and did so despaire of Gods mercies, and had been so blinded. And the Lord set it upon my spirit, that though I had laid all aside, yet now I would come out of the Wildernesse leaning on my beloved; and had a greater affection to the wayes of God then ever; and delighted in them more then ever. Before they were a burthen to me, now they were easie and sweet.
And being at Yorke, I heard a Minister there out of Hosea 2. preach that which wrought much comfort in me, in that Christ had promised to betroth himselfe to every beleever: And then, and since I have had much joy in the Promises of God, and can through the Spirit of God, which I finde and feele in my heart, lay hold by faith on them, as my particular interest.
Rom. 10.4. Christ is the end of the Law for righteousnesse to every one that beleeveth. Christ by his Spirit hath wrought beliefe in me, both in his promises & threatnings, and to labour to live according to his word, therefore I conclude, that I shall be saved by the righteousnesse of my Saviour.
Rom. 9.4. Who are Israelites? to whom pertaineth the adoption, and the glory, and the Covenants, and the giving of the Law, and the service of God, and the promises? I know that every beleever is a true Israelite, and brought under the Covenant of grace by Jesus Christ, and that therefore the promises of grace and salvation belong to me.
Rom. 3.21; 22. But now the righteousnesse of God without the Law is manifested, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousnesse of God, which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all, & upon all them that beleeve, for there is no difference: I being one whom God hath drawn to beleeve, it is manifested unto me, that I have an interest in the righteousnesse of Jesus Christ, to justifie me before God by his merits, which are made mine by faith.
Hosea 2.19, 20. I will betroth thee unto me for ever, yea I wil betroth thee unto me in righteousnesse, and in iudgement, and in loving kindnesse, and in mercies; I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulnesse, and thou shalt know the Lord. I find great comfort from this promise, in that the Lord doubles and trebles his Promises, and enlargeth himself, and offers himselfe so freely to the soule.
And as testimonies of my reall conversion to God, and union with Jesus Christ, and that reconciliation is made between God and my soul, I find these reall evidences wrought by Gods blessed Spirit in me.
1 I finde in my heart great love to God, that when God saith, Seek my face, my heart joynes againe, saying, thy face Lord will I seek. And I finde nothing so deare unto me as the love of God, and if my heart deceive me not, I could beare and suffer any thing to bring glory to God, accounting all things but dung and drosse below Christ.
2 When any thing of the flesh riseth against the motions of Gods Spirit to draw me from good, or to doe evill; I finde frequently the power of the Spirit to subdue my heart not to submit to the flesh, but to walke in his way, and yet I am so sensible of my infirmities, that all that I doe or can doe is nothing, but as filthy raggs; but I know Jesus Christ is my Saviour, and stands engaged for me; and when the flesh is weakest, I finde the Spirit thirsting after God.
3 I finde in my heart a very great thirsting after the Ordinances, and a great inlargement of heart, and comfort in the Ordinances, my heart being delighted to be among the people of God, and full of joy in them.
4 When thoughts of want at any time arise, I finde a full satisfaction in God, so that I finde the better part, which never can be taken from me, which is my interest in Jesus Christ; And I finde in my Conscience a great testimony of my Spirituall union with God, and that I am so separated from the world in my affections, that God hath drawne me to himselfe.
5 God who searcheth the heart, knoweth what is the minde of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the Saints according to the will of God, which will of God I finde a free submission to in my heart with joy; knowing, that all things shall work together for good to them that love God.
6 It is the chiefest desire of my heart, that God would keep me close by his side; and I have abundance of joy in communion with the Lord, which is more sweet to me, then my joy in any thing.
7 I delight much to speake of God, and of his wayes, and to use what meanes I can to comfort the Saints, whom I love dearly, and if possible to convert sinners.
D. M.