Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 5
Experiences of E. C.
ABout some nine yeares agoe at the birth of a Childe I had very great temptations, of destroying my selfe, and have had oftentimes a Knife put into my hand to doe it, so that I durst not be left by my selfe alone; and when I had considered what the causes of it might be, my Conscience did hint most my neglecting of duties, (the which I had many opportunities to have performed) they being the Ordinances of God.
Thus I continued till two yeares a goe I buried a Childe, which was a very great trouble to mee to part with, and then was I more fully convinced of sinne, which caused my burthen to be the greater, so that I could seldome have any other thoughts but of desperation; but the Lord kept me by his great mercy, so that sometimes I could pray with devotion, and discerne the Lord to remove this great trouble from me, I did plainly finde that those great temptations were very much lessened, which was a great comfort unto my spirit; but yet this still was upon me, that I could reade the Promises, but I found none of them to me; I could not say, God was mine, or had discovered himselfe unto me, in pardoning my sinnes; yet this I had often thoughts of, that I would throw my selfe upon Christ, if I perished I perished; and not long since, I had a very great desire to joyne my selfe to that Society which was truly godly, and Providence ordered it so, that I had my desire in it; which was of great use and incouragement unto me, in beleeving the Promise of the Gospel; and since, I blesse God, I have found some satisfaction in severall places of Scripture: As,
First, in Mat. 11.28. Come unto me all yee that labour and are heavie laden, and I will give you rest. And feeling such a burthen then upon my soule, I relyed upon that true rest.
Another place is in 1 John 2.2. And he is the reconciliation for our sinnes, and not for ours only, but for the sinnes of the whole world. I being one in the world, I applied this to my selfe; and in 1 John 4.14. The Father sent the Sonne to be the Saviour of the world.
Another place of Scripture is, John 3.17. For God sent not his Sonne into the world to condemne the world, but that the world through him might be saved. And in vers. 35. He that beleeveth on the Son hath everlasting life. Upon this account I said, I beleeve, Lord, help my unbeliefe. And in the sixth Chapter of John, and 67. & 68. verses, Jesus said unto his Disciples, Will ye goe from me also? Peter saith unto him, Lord, whither shall we go, for thou hast the words of eternall life?
So, that I will waite upon the Lord for a further manifestation of himselfe unto my soule; in the use of his Ordinances: although I have not in times past been fed with the Childrens bread, yet now I doe beleeve I shall not be denied those crums of Spiritual comforts, to nourish and refresh my wearied spirit; for God saith, Isa. 55.1. Ho! every one that thirsteth, come yee to the waters, and he that hath no money, come ye, buy and eate; yea, come buy wine, and milk without money, and without price.
And I praise God, I have found of late a very great manifestation of Gods working a change upon my heart, and drawing me by true faith to himselfe.
1 About a quarter of a yeare since, I heard Mr. Bond, in a Sermon at the Abbey at Westminster, upon the Luke-warmnesse of the Church of Laodicea, shewing that the Lord would refuse none that come in to him in humblenesse of spirit, and sincerity of heart; then I thought surely I might make use of those full promises which was made to those that came to him; and it put me to search the Scriptures, which I did, and found a greater influence upon my spirit in the understanding of the Word then before.
2 I am in all things that I doe, fearefull of offending God, and my desire is, to doe all things to his glory.
3 My love to God is so hearty, that I delight to be meditating of God, and have communion with God, and could wish that I might be wholly, if it were possible, with God; and my heart is never so at rest, as when I am reading of his Truths, or hearing others speake of them.
4 I am so little affected to the world, that I account it nothing; I can willingly leave all for God, and I hope suffer any thing for God, if he should please to call me to it, so farre as I can judge of my owne heart, but herein trusting in the power of Christ.
5 Sinne is loathsome to me, so that the affections that I did beare to some evils are now gone, and I now loath them more then before I loved them.
6 I have many conflicts between the flesh and the Spirit, but I finde (in those strivings) my heart most cleaving to follow the minde of God, knowing that if I give way to sinne, Satan enters; and with all my soule I desire, and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit.
7 In all things the resolutions of my heart are for doing those things that may please God, and that without delay; being fearefull to offend God, which when through infirmity I doe, I have great trouble of spirit for it; and my resolutions are alwayes against every thing that may hinder my peace with God.
8. I finde in my heart so great a peace between God and my Conscience, that should God now call me, I should be very well contented to goe to my Saviour.
9 I doe not doubt of Gods love to me, because he hath drawn forth my heart sincerely to love him.
10 My love hath been alwayes from a Childe to the people of God, and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil spoken of,
11 My affections are great to the Ordinances, and my heart longeth after them; and when at any time I come with a cold heart to duties, yet my heart is frequently warmed, and inlarged in those duties.
E. C.