Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 4
Experiences of I. I.
VVHen I was in the middest of my wealth, and worldly enjoyments, I was vaine, covetous, and wholly had my heart taken up with the things of the world, little or nothing minding the things of God, or thinking of a change, but went on in a presumption, putting the evil day farre off, minding only for the present what pleased the flesh; untill about eight yeares since, I had many outward crosses befell me, and was in some want; and then being under that dispensation, I was much troubled, and full of griefes, I sought to the Lord, and begged deliverance from the affliction of my distresses, as to outward wants, but had not an heart to consider what was the cause, or to seek out the mind of God in it, untill about two yeares and an halfe since, I heard D. Holmes, shewing sin to be the cause of all our crosses. The consideration hereof did come close unto my spirit, and I had a clear conviction of my vanity, and foolish doting on worldly things, which had justly provoked the Lord, (I hope for my good) to lay those crosses upon me, which, though they were for a time bitter, yet God hath since sweetned.
But my sorrow was then doubled, and I was dejected, not only for my outward crosses, but more especially for my carnall heart, and for my vaine conversation, whereby I had stirred up the anger of the Lord against me: I went to the Ordinances, hoping to finde comfort from the Word; but the weight of my sins, and my sufferings pressed me so downe, that I found much heavinesse: My sinnes especially lay heavie upon me, and I saw little hope of comfort; yea the Lord was pleased to worke in my heart a loathing of sinne, as well as a trouble for the affliction it hath brought upon me. But about a yeare and an half since, I heard Master Walker prove by Scripture, in a Sermon (very effectuall to my comfort) that those who have been the greatest of sinners, if they doe heartily and really repent, and turne to God by faith in Christ, and lead a new life, the Lord will receive them to mercy. Hereupon I argued with my soule, that though I had been a great sinner, yet the Lord had wrought my heart to a loathing of those sins I loved; and of all sins; to turne to the Lord, and sincerely desire to serve him: That therefore there was hope of mercy for me: I heard Mr. Walker, and Mr. Masterson, and others at Sommerset-house, and other places, and frequented divers other meetings, where I found much comfort.
Those severall places of Scripture, in which I chiefly found comfort from the Promises of God are, Mat. 11.28, 29, 30. where Christ saith, Come unto mee all yee that labour and are heavie laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learne of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall finde rest unto your soules: for my yoke is easie, and my burden light. This made me to hope, that as the Lord hath given me an heavie heart laden with the sence of sin, so Christ Jesus would give me comfort; for in the 12 verse of the same Chapter, it is said, a bruised reed shall hee not breake, and smoaking flax shall he not quench. And though I had dishonoured Christ, yet I had not blasphemed the Holy-ghost, and therefore had encouragement to beleeve from the words of Christ, Luke 12.10. whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him, but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy-ghost, it shall not be forgiven.
I was comforted to waite upon the Lord in hope, because the Lord had humbled my soule, and opened mine eyes to see mercy offered unto me, and this was strengthened from that example, Lamentations 3.20. to verse 26. My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me. This I recall to minde, therefore have I hope. It is the Lords mercy that we are not consumed, because his compassions faile not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulnesse, the Lord is my portion, saith my soule, therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that waite for him, to the soule that seeketh him. And I was much incouraged from hence to seeke the Lord, and hope in his mercy.
My conscience told me, I was a great sinner, and deserved death and Hell, but my hope was in God, and strengthened from that Promise, Ezek. 18.21, 22, 23. If the wicked will turn from all his sins, that he hath committed, and keepe all my statutes, and doe that which is lawfull and right, he shall surely live, he shall not dye; All his transgressions that he hath committed, they shall not be mentioned unto him: In his righteousnesse that he hath done he shall live. Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked should dye, saith the Lord God, and not that he should turne from his wayes and live?
And the Lord was pleased to put into my spirit a very great resolution to serve the Lord for the time to come, and I praise my God, I have had since much joy in duties of Piety, and sucked much sweetnesse from the Word of God, and godly Ministers; I have no desire to enjoy the pleasures and vanities of the world, as I have had, but my heart now takes delight in God, and communion with his people; the Lord hath given me an heart to discern a beauty, and desirablenesse, in the wayes of God, which are more joyfull to me now, then ever sin was formerly; and when I come at the Ordinances, I often finde and feele such heavenly refreshments from the Lord upon mine heart, that it makes mee exceeding full of joy. There is such a love upon my heart to God, that I dare not willingly offend him in any thing; I rejoyce to heare his Name spoken of, and his glory exalted; and I finde a very great affection drawn by the power of God from my heart to such as seeme to be his people.
I. I.