Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 3
Experiences of M. W.
WHen I lived in Ireland, and was in fulnesse of outward enjoyments, I had my thoughts much taken up about the things of the World, but little seriously touching the salvation of my soule; but about nine yeares since, being in the Church at Liverpoole in Lancashire, I heard a Sermon preached by Mr. Tompson; his Text was, Redeeme the time because the dayes are evill: Many things he spake so home to my soule; that I was very much troubled that I had spent so many dayes in evill. That I have been covetous, and proud, and impatient in the former dayes of my life. Yet it pleased the Lord, that I had an Husband that was an honest man, and one that feared God, who had often before given me good counsell, and sometimes perswaded me to make him some promises of amendment; but I had Children, and Servants, and Cattell, and lived plentifully in Ireland, from whence I had lately come with my husband and family; and indeed there had been no reall conversion, though I had ofter thoughts towards God, and especially I was given much to impatiency, for which my husband had often reproved me: but still I went on in my sin, being not sensible of my sad condition therein, untill I came into England: After which duplicate page duplicate page this Sermon of M. Tomsons did much humble me, and wrought upon my heart a very great sense of my sins. And I was afraid that I had committed the sinne of Blasphemy against God: as Job said his children perhaps had done, some way; because I had sometimes cursed some body, or at some thing that had angred me, and in passion rapt out sometimes an oath; and many nights I watred my bed with my teares about it, and went to Mr. West a Minister, at the Park neer Liverpoole, and other godly people thereabouts, who used such meanes, as God led them forth to, for my comfort; but I was still afflicted in my soule, about the space of three weekes, and then I found much comfort from Mr. Tompson, and from my husband, who perswaded me by good counsell to trust in God, which I did, and was heartily sorry for my sin.
And then my Husband was troubled in minde himselfe, and the Lord made me an instrument to comfort him, as wel as I could. But about five months after, he had aboundance of joy and comfort, and expected death; saying, that hee was perswaded he should be killed, and so (presently after he was settled in his mind) it fell sadly out. For the Enemy took Liverpoole, and killed my Husband, and a childe, both before my face, and stript, and wounded me, and a childe of five yeares old; and it was thought I could not live. And this was a strong tryall; and I was much tempted, my senses me thought were going from me, and my heart I thought would have melted in pieces, yet I prayed, and the Lord heard me, I thought it was too much for me to beare: but I remembred my Saviours words, He that will not forsake Father, or Mother, or Sister, or Brother, or Husband, or Childe for Christ, is not worthy of him, and I desired to give glory to his name. I considered that I must part with all for Christ, I strove hard against my owne weaknesse; and my heart said, that God was just in all his dealings with me.
I thought, when I had considered of it, that I did but suffer as an evill doer my selfe; but our cause was Gods, and our Enemies Popish Rebels; Paul was ready not only to suffer, but to dye at Jerusalem for the name of Christ; so I took it patiently, giving glory to God, and beleeving that God, who was come so neare me, would not forsake me.
I was assured with much joy, that the Lord would bring me to himselfe, and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Childe, and a little daughter, in a Barn where we were put, having gotten a peece of an old Bible; and then and since I have found much setlednesse in my faith from severall Promises of the Lord, revealed in his holy Word, some of which follow.
John 15.7. If yee abide in me, and my words abide in you, yee shall aske what yee will, and it shall be done unto you. I trust in God never to depart from his Word, and therefore hope to finde comfort in the end, and doe finde comfort in the way, in that Christ abideth with me.
Matth. 5.6. Blessed are they which doe hunger and thirst after righteousnesse, for they shall be filled. Though the Lord hath thus emptied me of some worldly comforts, yet he hath given me an hungering and thirsting soule after himselfe, and therefore I laid hold of this promise of blessednesse, as made to me.
Matth. 11.28. Christ saith, Come unto me all yee that labour and are heavie laden, and I will give you rest. In this I have been, and still am much comforted, in the greatest afflictions, that God hath laid upon me, in whom alone is true rest.
And as further testimonies of my love to God, and evidences of my faith, I have these comfortable inferences, which speake much peace to my soule.
1 My love to God and Christ, is more then to all things in the world.
2 I finde a great difference in my affections to God, and to the world, and the things thereof; so that my Children, which of all worldly things are most neare and deare to me, yet if God should take them from me, I could freely give them.
3 I finde the Spirit striving against my flesh, so that when I heard lately Doctor Holmes, speaking of that still voyce, which a Beleever heares, as it were, from the Spirit, it did so inlarge my heart, that in joy and great comfort it made me weep, through the influence of the Spirit sensibly then upon my heart; and so at other times also, I finde much comfort in the Spirit of God, which is my greatest joy.
4 I doe rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances, and apply what I heare to my selfe, as well as I can, and when I heare any thing against any evill that I can apply to my selfe, the Lord drawes forth my heart frequently to pray to God, that I may doe nothing that may displease him. And I thanke my God, I finde a full willingnesse in desire, and affection to submit to every truth of Jesus Christ.
5 When I heare comforts spoken of that concerns me, I am so joyfull that it fils my heart, and sometimes fetches teares from mine eyes, as particularly when Master Marshall said, That afflictions were a testimony of Gods love to his people, as Lazarus was sorely afflicted, and dearly beloved.
6 Since I heard Mr. Bond, and others, as also (suitable to my condition) severall things laid open by Master Walker upon some cases of Conscience; I have been much affected to settle my selfe in all things so by the power of Christ, that I may finde peace in my conscience in all things before I dye, and have made it my chiefest businesse, and I have found much settlement in it, and much comfort in the meetings of godly people both since, and for four yeares before.
7 I blesse the name of the Lord, my affections are loving to the people of God, and I know I love them dearly, and my heart riseth to heare them spoken against; I had rather beare reproaches my selfe, then see any one of them wronged, or suffer.
8 I desire, as to live with God in glory in Heaven, so to lead my life to his glory here on earth in grace, and to live according to the rule of his holy Word, and the examples of the Saints therein expressed; and I could heartily wish, were it possible, that I might never sin more. And I have (I blesse God) a cleare discerning, through the power of the Spirit of Grace, that the Gospel is the word of truth to salvation.
9 When I come before the Lord, I see nothing but emptinesse in my self, and therefore trust in the fulnesse of Christ, in whose power and Spirit I finde much comfort, and desire alwayes, that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that never may be taken away from me; for of my selfe I can doe nothing, but through Christ, If he abide in me, and I in him, I shall doe all things.
M. W.