Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 18
Experiences of H. C.
AT the beginning of these late troubles I, as well as others, was much frighted; and when it was said that such a day the City should be destroyed, I was amazed, I had been a hearer (a great while) of very eminent Ministers in the City of London, yet profited very little by what I heard. For if they preached the mercies of God, I feared they did not belong to me, because I could not find those qualifications in me which I thought I ought to have, if I expected to receive mercy.
I could rejoyce in hearing of the promises, but could not lay hold on them as belonging to me; but still I went to heare though with much trouble of minde:
That day wherein it was said, the City should be destroyed, I began to call my selfe to account what should become of my soule, if it should be so: I was almost amazed, but did much desire of God that he would give me faith, and with the Publican I said, Lord I beleeve, helpe my unbeleife; I then resolved with my selfe, well, I will cast my soul into the armes of God, if I perish, I perish. And through beleif in him, I was quieted in my spirit at that time: but my sense of peace was soon vailed.
And I was afterwards sore afflicted with the sight of my sin, and I was fully perswaded that I was an hypocrite, and that all that I did was but for feare of hell; then durst not I be any where alone, for fear of the sight of the devill, and if I had been at prayer by my self, I durst not open my eyes.
Thus was I perplexed with fear: I did perswade my selfe I should perish; my condition was very bitter to mee, I did much labour for a resting place for my soule. And being one day at a Funeral where one was to be buried, the Minister that preacht the Funerall Sermon, shewed the sufficiency of God, and the insufficiency of man and that all good came from God. He said, that it was as possible for that dead man to put life into himselfe, as for any man to gaine the least drop of grace of himselfe, for faith is the gift of God.
Then I began to consider with my selfe, and to take notice of the promises of God; and I would write them to keepe them about me: I then being a hearer at M. St. the Minister was much upon the affaires of the times, and I was much troubled about what I heard, for I found not my soule satisfied with that matter. When I came home, I told my Husband that my soule was not able to live with that food; Then it pleased the Lord to direct me to heare Mr. S. at A. and he was setting forth the free grace of God to poor sinners.
And then I began to reason with my selfe, that in putting all mercy from me, sure I did dishonour God, for he inviteth all to beleeve his promises. And I read that he said, As I live I desire not the death of a sinner. And Christ saith, he came to save sinners, and that the whole need not a Physitian, but those that are sicke: And God hath promised, Not to breake the bruised reed, nor quench the smoaking flax; and Christ dyed for the ungodly, and God is no respecter of persons.
And Christ promiseth, That whosoever comes unto him, he will in no wise cast off. When I had considered these and other promises; And that place where it is said, That without faith it is impossible to please God, then I was earnest with God that he would give me faith and sincerity of heart. And that place did much refresh me, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. Yet again after all this, the sence of my own unworthinesse did much trouble me, and I was greatly grieved that I was so cumbred in the world, and I began to doubt, saying, sure I have not chosen the better part.
For sometimes I should much rejoyce, and praise God being much satisfied from these places of Scripture, which say, He hath laid our iniquities on him, and he hath laid help on him that is mighty. And in another place, Ye are saved by grace, not of your selves, it is the gift of God: And, We have an Advocate with the Father, even Jesus Christ the righteous. And he was made sinne for us that knew no sinne, that we might be made the righteousnesse of God in him. And behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the world.
But after again in a short time I should loose all my sence of comfort, and then had I sad thoughts, musing what God would doe with me. In the depth of these conflicts, at last that place refreshed me, where God saith, I the Lord change not, therefore yee sons of Jacob are not consumed.
Though before I was not satisfied that my faith was true, but doubted that surely I had but presumed upon false grounds, I was much perplexed in my mind. Yet now it pleased God in the midst of my distresse, that he brought to my minde these words, the spirit saith come, and the bride saith come, and every one that will come, come, drink of the water of life freely.
I said of my selfe I cannot come: But I prayed, Lord draw me and I shall runne after thee. And this word was cast into my soule by the Lord, My grace is sufficient for thee, only do thou beleeve.
And God hath wrought faith in me, and by the testimony of his spirit hath sealed his love in Christ to me, working in my heart so to love him, that I have cast my selfe wholly upon him.
H. C.