Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 17
Experiences of M. W.
I Have from my child-hood desired to serve the Lord, and to make his commandements my rule to walke by; and I thought once that I could have said with the young man in the Gospel, All these have I kept from my youth.
But it pleased the Lord above three yeares since, to visite me with a grievous sicknesse, even unto death; and then my heart told me that I was a great sinner, and my conscience accused me, that I had loved the world more then I had loved Jesus Christ.
Then I was afflicted in my spirit with fear, because I could not believe that Jesus Christ had dyed for me. I besought the Lord by earnest prayer, that he would be pleased to spare me, for I found my selfe to be very unfit for death. I made promises to the Lord, that if he did please to spare me, I would lead a new life, and did resolve to walk more close to my God.
The Lord was pleased (in mercy) to hear my prayer, and grant this request, to spare me a while longer to serve him in the land of the living.
But notwithstanding my promises, and that great deliverance the Lord hath wrought for me in keeping me back from Hell, and the grave, I had soon forgotten all.
I began to love the world again, and lived as vainly as before. But the Lord smote my conscience, and sorely troubled my spirit for this backsliding, putting me in mind of the promises I had made to him in my sicknesse.
With great bitternesse of heart and griefe of soule, I mourned for my failing, and did againe resolve, for the time to come to keep more close to Gods Ordinances, and set a close watch over my heart.
But the more I looked into my heart, the more vile I saw my selfe to be, and was greatly troubled that I had so often played the hypocrite with my God. I againe then besought the Lord, by prayer, that he would be pleased, for Jesus Christ his sake to forgive all my sins, and backslidings, which I then was grieved for with loathing, more then ever before.
My conscience was so wounded, and my soule cast downe in so great a conflict, that my spirits were almost dryed up, and my heart began to grow weary and faint with crying and groaning after my Saviour. Yet the Lord was pleased to humble me still more and more, and to try me further, as gold is tryed in the fire.
And my afflictions were doubled upon me by Satans malice, who tempted mee with evill thoughts, which was grievous to my soule. When I had prayed (with a troubled spirit as well as I could) the devill put thoughts into my minde, quite contrary to the frame of a praying spirit.
When I had read the word of God, he tempted me with doubts and questions touching some things therein, whether it was truth or not.
And Satan followed his temptation so close upon me, that as soon as the Lord had inabled me to repulse one temptation, the Devil assaulted me with another, so that I had scarce time to fetch my breath, one temptation followed so close upon another.
Then being troubled much in my spirit in this condition, I was tempted to a discontent, that the Lord had not taken away these temptations from me, and in anger fell into some great passions, even neer unto desparation.
And I was sorely buffetted by the Devil, in this my lowest extremity, who assaulted me with fresh temptations of blasphemous thoughts touching God;
So that when in the bitternesse of my soule I was groping after Jesus Christ, and had named God, he would put into my minde the objects of bruite creatures; even whilst I was powring out my soule to the creatour, and was pleading a promise, he brought a curse to my thoughts.
Then was I repulsed in all duties by Satan, terrifying my soul to perswade me, that it was in vaine for me to seek for salvation, because I had committed the sin against the holy ghost (which God by his word hath declared shall never be forgiven neither in this world, nor in the world to come,) because I was discontented that the Lord after all my addresses to him had not delivered me from all my troubles. But the Lord gave me strength to resist Satan, and say in the bitternesse of my soul, to my God, far be it from me, O Lord, to be offended with thee.
And the Lord wrought this resolution in my soule, that I did protest before the Lord, that although I should see nothing but hell before me, yet I would trust in him, and stay my self upon my God, untill the Lord be pleased to send me deliverance. I made my case known to a dear friend, who put me in some comfort; he told me, that the sin against the holy Ghost, was to sin wilfully, by perpetuall dispite against God.
I found a clear testimony in my conscience, that I was so far from dispiting the spirit of grace, that I had not sinned willingly against God, for I found it to be an affliction to me to be tempted with evill thoughts touching the Lord, though I consented not to them, and I found my soule grieved that I could not be freed from them. And then with aboundance of teares, by often prayers and supplications to the Throne of grace, I poured forth my sinfull soule at the footstoole of Gods mercy, exalting free grace, and pleading the unspeakable riches of the mercies of my God, that would appear in the conversion of such a sinner as I had been.
Methought it seemed to exalt Gods mercy, and to be one of the greatest manifestations of free grace in the world, to the great glory of the Lord, and unspeakable comfort to my poor soule, if he would be pleased to bring me to himselfe.
Now when (by the divine power of God) my heart was thus resolved to trust in God, and to waite upon him, then the Lord was pleased to shew me (to my comfort) the example of Jesus Christ, who had no sin in himself, yet he was tempted of the devill.
And likewise of Paul, how Satan sent a messenger to buffet him, who then prayed unto God, and the Lord said, my grace is sufficient for thee, my power is made known in thy weaknesse.
Then I began to be comforted, and to think if Christ himselfe was tempted, if the children of God who have been eminent examples had laine under temptations, and the Lord according to his promises had strengthened and delivered them, there was hope for me.
And the Lord wrought faith in my heart to beleeve, that he would strenghthen me, and keep me that I should not perish for ever. And I have since found great consolation in many promises, which the Lord hath revealed in his Word, which I have pleaded before the Lord, some of which follow.
Isay 50.10. Who is among you, that feareth the Lord, and obeyeth the voyce of his servant, that walketh in darknesse and hath no light, let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God.
I applyed this promise thus, I had walked in darknesse and saw no light; but God had wrought in my heart to feare him, and a willingnesse to obey my Saviour, and a resolution to trust in the name of the Lord therefore I knew it was not in vaine to stay upon my God.
Matth. 12.20. (It is said by Christ) A bruised reed shall he not breake and smoaking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgement unto victory. The Lord having broken and bruised mee in the sense of sin, and drawn forth my heart to rely upon him, I beleeved that he would in the end give me victory through Christ.
Isay 40.29. He giveth power to the faint, and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. This Promise I laid hold on, because Christ saith, Come unto mee all yee that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest, Mat. 11.28.
When I had refreshed my spirit by applying these and some other promises to my own soul, by faith in the Lord Jesus, I found an effect of my faith by that love to God, which by his holy spirit he had wrought in my soul, which appeareth by these particulars.
1 I am grieved that I have been so unbeleeving towards God, and so impatient in my afflictions.
2 I am troubled to think that whilest I live here in this mortall flesh, I cannot be quite freed from sin, but must live to offend so good a God, who hath wrought so great a deliverance for me.
3 I blesse the Lord, I can (through divine goodnesse, from the testimony of the blessed spirit) say (with comfort) the Lord is my God, whereby I can cry Abba Father.
I can (I hope) willingly deny my selfe in all things, and should the Lord call me to it) take up the crosse of my Saviour Jesus to follow him, and blesse God in all dispensations whatsoever.
5 I finde a totall desire, and free willingnesse in my heart to surrender my selfe and conversation to be led by Gods blessed spirit, in all holinesse and piety, with perseverance, that I may live all my daies to the glory of my God.
6 My affections are more firmly and really knit to God then to any thing, so that I can part with any thing for God; and I value my interest in God above all things, and I find more joy in God then in all things.
7 I am not now affraid to dye, should God call me, that I may go to be with my Saviour for ever.
8 I desire to bee in love and charity with all men, but in an especiall manner I doe love the godly, because in appearance they are the children of God, and desire to feed upon Christ by faith in his Ordinances, with the Saints.
M: W: