Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 15 – Section 16
Experiences of D. R.
IT hath pleased the Lord ever since I knew a difference betweene good and evill, to give me a heart to seeke after those things which savoured most of God. And it was my delight alwaies to frequent the society of those whom I thought were truly Godly: And upon this account, I thought my selfe to be something, when being seriously weighed, I became nothing; for I knew God but as a natural man doth, even by way of discourse; I being, as I conceive since, much in the posture of the proud Pharisee, I could say, I thank God, I was not such a person, as was given to lewdnesse or ill vices, as others were: And being thus in my natural condition, I thoughr I had need of nothing, when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans, wretched, miserable, and poor, and blinde, and naked, and that which was worst, I knew not that I was thus in ignorance, walking in darknesse till the Lord brought me forth into the light; First, by convincing mee of sinne. Secondly, Convincing me of righteousnesse. The first was (according to my remembrance) about seven or eight yeares since.
I being in discourse with a friend, concerning something which did much displease mee, wherein my answering was very crosse, and my words very full of anger; I began to espie my selfe full of malice and envy, the which did much reflect upon my owne heart, that caused a wonderfull griefe unto me; and having never taken notice of any such thing before, it was so much the more strange to me; but calling my selfe to a strict examination, what Foundation I had laid, when the Building began to prove so rotten, it pleased the Lord, that thereby I grew more and more sensible of my owne miserable condition, as being in the state of nature, a child of wrath, finding my selfe a lump of sinne and uncleannesse, and at a far distance from the wayes of God, and to have probability of nothing so much as damnation, and ready to be cast into hell for my sins, and finding my selfe out of Christ, and not any comfort that I should ever gain an interest duplicate page duplicate page in him; for I saw that without Faith, it was impossible to please him; and that without faith I could not think of any way to finde it, being lost in false wayes of my owne invention▪
And considering also, that Paul counsels the Corinthians to examine their selves whether they were in the Faith, and (saith he) Know ye not your own selves, whether Jesus Christ is in you, except you be Reprobates; and following this course, I could not otherwise judge, but that I was a Reprobate, and this condition was very burthensome unto my spirit, and neither in hearing or reading, could I for the time finde any ease of this my trouble; but still I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge, requiring satisfaction of me for my sinnes.
Thus I languished, not knowing which way to steere my thoughts; but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace, what shall I do to be saved? Sometimes I should perswade my selfe it was altogether impossible for me to think of being saved, or ever to gain so much faith, as to believe that Christ dyed for my sinnes, for this I thought would be a very great presumption for me to attempt any such thing, having often had thoughts of destroying my self.
It is my desire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping mee from all dangers in this my extreame doubtfull condition; wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord, whose worke it was to deliver mee.
In this my spiritual bondage, when I have heard godly men incouraging poore soules to beleeve in Christ, I have thought that others might, but I durst not presume, because I was no better qualified; for if I could find my selfe more holy, or more godly, or fuller of goodnesse, then there would be some hope that I might believe, and hope for the favour of God, and that Christ dyed for me.
But afterwards, God put into my heart to consider, that seeing that By the deeds of the Law, no flesh can be justified; (for I thought before, I must have done something that should have proved meritorious) and beginning to be acquainted with an emptinesse in my selfe, and an inability of my owne to do any good, and finding that it must be given mee from the Lord, Christ being all in all, to the Saints.
Upon this consideration, I did cast my selfe upon God, saying, Lord, I am thy workmanship, doe with me what seemeth good unto thee: If thou dost damne me, I have deserved the severest of thy judgments; thou art just, although I am for ever justly miserable. And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his booke, treating of the smallest degree of saving-faith, the which did expresse, that a desire to believe was faith it selfe; I was something comforted to heare of this, knowing that none could more desire it then I did, and upon this (a while) I rested satisfied: but not long after I found it a reed, whereon I had leaned, and grew againe very restlesse, and was beat off from this stay by having the opportunity of another Booke, which made me to understand that the poor man knew full wel that a desire to be rich, and to be rich indeed, were two severall things: And so a desire to beleeve, and faith it selfe, was not the same. For as all that disire to be rich, are not rich; so all that desire to beleeve, do not beleeve.
Being thus drove from my other principle, I began to see a more emptinesse in the creature, and a greater fulnesse in the Creator. And this last book was by the blessing of God, through his grace, in some force to informe my judgement in many things, which were very comfortable to me.
As First, That the love of of God, was the cause Christ was given for sinners, and that he became a full satisfaction to God for sinnes; and if we staid from Christ till we were full of good works, it might be a symptom we should never beleeve: For it shewed first, that we must be ingrafted into Christ by faith, before we could bring forth good fruits, for Without me yee can do nothing, saith Christ, And whatsoever is not of Faith, is sinne. These and many such like expressions in the Scripture, which God put into my minde, were very comfortable in the refreshing of my dull and weary spirit many times; but yet feares in intervalles possessed me, in not finding Christ to be made mine by faith. For I could not say (in particular) that God was my God, nor see that there was a reconcilement made between God and my soul. Sometimes I would perswade my heart to venture to beleeve in Christ for the pardon of my sins: But presently objections would thwart my resolutions by concluding that I was too great a sinner: And it was not absolutely said, that Christ dyed for me.
In this condition I was for four years or thereabouts, before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Christ Jesus unto me: Yet the Lord was pleased at last, to worke effectually upon me, by many sweet promises out of his word, which did wonderfully rejoyce my soul.
John 3.15, 16. Whosoever beleeveth in the Sonne shall not perish, but have everlasting life: this very word whosoever, did work so kindly, and with such a sweet efficacy upon my heart, that I was constrained to submit, having not any objection against it, for it comprehended all sorts of sinners, although never so great, yet whosoever believeth in this Sonne of God shall injoy such a sweet promise, no lesse then eternal life. In the 15. verse, God so loved the world, that he gave his onelyonly begotten Sonne, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
And in Acts 10.43. That whosoever believeth in him, shall receive remission of sins.
Then in Galath. 2.20. I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me, and gave himself for me; and Christ Jesus dyed for sinners, of whom I am chief: Seeing this application of Christ, that Paul made in particular to himselfe, who was a very great sinner, it did much imbolden me in the like.
Rom. 5.8, 9. God commendeth his louelove towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ dyed for the ungodly; and I was ungodly; therefore I beleeved Christ dyed for me; and when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ dyed for sinners; I am a sinner, and therefore Christ died for me, and he was reconciled unto us, while wee were enemies; For the Lord to be thus reconciled to ungodly, to sinners, to enemies, this was more love indeed then ever I expected: Especially, that the Lord would have been halfe so gracious to me: This turned all my former sorrowes into joy; crying out, what shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits that hee hath bestowed on me: For what was I, or any of my fathers house, that the Lord should bee so mercifull unto me?
And I have these testimonies of my reall conversion to God.
1. The testimony of his spirit adopting me to be his child, Gal. 3.4, 5. God sent forth his Sonne to redeem those that are under the law, that they may receive the adoption of sonnes. And because you are sons, God hath sent forth the spirit of his son into your hearts, crying Abba father; Wherefore thou art no more a servant but a sonne: I was once under the law dead, I am now by Christ redeemed.
And I blesse God for this precious priviledge, that I can call God my father.
2. Christ hath fulfilled the law, therefore I shall not be condemned by the Law, but justified by Jesus Christ, without the deeds of the Law; there was a time when I was dead in sinne, and in ungodlinesse, being alienated from the Common-wealth of Israel, and a stranger to the Covenant of grace, having no hope, and without God in the world: But being made alive by Jesus Christ, I see my sins done away; and do beleeve that Christ hath borne on his own body all my sinnes, he being bruised for our transgressions, Isa. 53. And the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all, by whose stripes we are healed: So that I do beleeve that by one offering he hath perfected for ever all those that are sanctified, Heb. 10. And that Christ Jesus is become a full and perfect satisfaction for my sins, and that the Lord is well pleased with; and contented in this satisfaction, Matth. 3. This is my well-beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
3. I am, in and through Gods free grace, what I am; not for any thing in me, or that I could do; but as in Titus 4.5. We our selves were sometimes foolish, disobedient, serving divers lusts; but when the kindnesse and love of God our Saviour appeared towards man, net by works of righteousnesse which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us: that being justified freely by his grace, we should be made heirs, according to the hope of eternall life: And in another place, 1 Tim. 1.9. Who hath saved us, and called us, with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace in Christ Jesus, before the world began; therefore I believe, that God the Father loveth me in Jesus Christ.
1 John 4.29. We love him, because he loved us first, John 14.14. Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, that you should bring forth much fruit.
Isa. 43.25. I, even I am he that blotteth out all thy transgressions for my own sake, and will not remember thy iniquities, and he will have mercy, even because he will have mercy: the blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth us from all sin: I plainly see it is the Lords doings, and it is marvellous in my eyes. As in Ephes. 2. You who were dead in trespasses and sins, hath he quickned together with him, by Grace ye are saved, and that not of your selves, it is the gift of God. I find, that as Christ Jesus was a free gift to me, and for me; so was this saving grace of Faith a free gift also from the Lord to my soul, Romans 3.24. Being justified freely by his Grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, to declare his righteousnesse for the remission of sins; that he might be just, and the justifier of him that believeth in Jesus; so that all boasting of the creature is excluded by the law of faith. As by the disobedience of one, many were made sinners; so by the obedience of one, shall many be made righteous.
4. I believe, that as there was no sin found in Christ, and yet a sinner by imputation; so I bebeing a sinner indeed, shall be made righteous by Gods imputation; for it pleased God to make him become sin for us who knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousnesse of God in him.
5. I have the seal of the spirit, as Paul saith, The spirit of God beareth witnesse with our spirits, that we are the children of God, and if children, then Heirs of God, and joynt-heires with Christ in this our freedom.
6. I do believe that God the Father loved me, and elected me for the Son to redeem; and that Jesus Christ loves me, as given of the Father for him to redeem, and manifests it to me: and the Holy Ghost loves me, as elected of the Father, and redeemed by the Son, and doth evidence it in me, which is the earnest of my inheritance; and there is an expression in John 3. last. He that believeth in the Son hath everlasting life.
7. I do believe that I have everlasting life already in possession.
First, by the promise, Feare not little flock, for it is your Fathers good pleasure to give you a Kingdome.
Secondly, In the first fruits, for what is heaven hereafter, but a more full injoyment of what is begun here? What we receive now, is but a taste of what we shall receive; As 1 John 4.2. Beloved, now are we the sons of God and it doth not yet appear what we shall be, but we know when he shall appear, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.
Thirdly, I do injoy it by my head Christ, who hath taken full possession of it already for me: therefore seeing I am not my own, I am bought with a price, therefore I desire to glorifie God with my soul and body, which are the Lords, saying with Mary in Luke 1. My soul doth magnifie the Lord, and my spirit doth rejoyce in God my Saviour, who hath regarded the low estate of his handmaid.
8. Though formerly my foundation was built upon the sands, and therefore easily overthrown: Yet now I trust in the Lord I am established by Faith, built upon that Rock, which is the love of God, my Saviour Christ being the chief corner stone, Isa. 28.16. Behold I lay in Zion a stone, a tryed stone, a precious corner stone, he that beleeveth shall not make hast.
9, I wait upon the Will of my heavenly Father in all his dispensations, for a more full injoyment of Jesus Christ in my soul, the which I do hunger and thirst after, and I have the promise of my God that I shall be filled, and having tasted, I have found the Lord is gracious, and more to be desired then thousands of worlds.
10. I beleeve not upon others words, but as in John 4.42. as some said to the woman of Samaria, Now we beleeve, not because of thy saying, for we have heard him our selves, and know this is indeed the Christ the Saviour of the World.
11. As David saith, I had fainted, unlesse I had believed to see the goodnesse of the Lord, and I beleeve, therefore have I spoken, for I was greatly afflicted; As the Apostle saith, ye are compleat in Christ, therefore I reckon my self in him.
12. The Lord having made it out unto me that I am a beleever, I am confident that Christ Jesus did pray to his Father for me, in the 17. of John saying, I pray not for these only, but for them that shall believe through their word, that they may be one, even as we are one, therefore thou art my God, and I will praise thee, for thou hast heard me, and art become my salvation.
Thus in some measure I have weakly hinted out a reason of the hope that is in me, trusting in my God, that as he hath taken away the guilt of sin out of my conscience, so in his due time he will take away all sin from my conversation, and as he hath given me a pardon for sin, so he will over-power all my corruptions, that I may live more to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made me accepted in the Beloved, and that I shall become (over sin, Satan, self, and all things opposite to grace) more then a Conqueror through him that hath loved me, and washed me from my sins in his blood; for to him are all things possible, and he is the wise Master-Builder, who will not onelyonly begin, but will goe on to accomplish his owne work.
The Lord having expelled that cloud of darknesse, which was vailed upon my heart, and brought me into his marvellous light, I had very strong desires in my own spirit to be joyned to a gathered people that was truly godly, having some incouragement by reasons out of the word of God, as in Marke 8.38. Whosoever shal be ashamed of me and of my words, in this adulterous generation, of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he commeth in the glory of his Father: And on the contrary, in Matth. 10.32. Whosoever will confesse me before men, him will I confesse before my Father which is in heaven: The which did incourage me much in it. And seeing in the second of the Corinthians the sixth, Paul pressing them forward in the wayes of godliness, biddeth them to separate themselves and come out from amongst the men of the world, and touch not their abominations: and he backes it with a sweet promise from the Lord; And I will be your Father, and you shall be my Sonnes and Daughters, for what fellowship have Beleevers with unbeleevers, and what communion hath Light with darknesse.
D. R.
Experiences of A. O.
I Have undergone sad troubles of spirit for my sins; which I have had a great sight and sense of, and shed many tears for, and desire to be truly sorry for them, and hate them, and to have no more communion with them.
About five years since, and for some two years space I lay under very great temptations, and was ready to despair, and for several nights could not take any rest in my bed; but was very weak with weeping, and much grieved for my evil thoughts, yet the Lord drew forth my heart to call upon him, and hope in him for mercy. But I had many sore conflicts, insomuch that I could not lie in the chamber alone; I made what use I could of opportunities to desire comfort from such godly Christians as I could meet withal to counsel me in the wayes of God, and I laboured to hearken to them, but found my heart very dul and heavy for that time, until about three yeares since, I began to finde comfort from some Sermons that I heard, and bookes that I read, and some thoughts that the Lord settled upon my heart by his spirit, hoping that there was mercy for me. And I did believe that I had all the prayers of all the Saints in the world put up to the Throne of grace for me, and that my Saviour had satisfied for my sins, and through him God was reconciled to me, and in particular I found comfort from these and some other promises.
John 6.35. Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life, he that commeth to me, shall never hunger, and he that believeth on me, shall never thirst.
Verse 37. All that the Father giveth me, shall come to me, and him that commeth to me, I will in no wise cast out.
John 14.1. Let not your hearts be troubled, ye believe in God, believe also in me.
Jeremiah 31.23 But this shall be the Covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those dayes saith the Lord, I will put my Law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
And I do find in my heart a testimony of my believing; and that I do love God; wrought in me by his blessed Spirit, by these particulars.
1. I do so love God, not through slavish fear, but for his name and glory, that I can leave all for him, and nothing is so dear and precious to mee, as the love of God; and nothing so great a joy to me, as that Christ who dyed for me, hath not left me.
2. I find such comfort from the Lord, that he by his Spirit revives my drooping heart, and fills my empty soul, and when I am in my poor spirit even fainting away, I find comfort from his glorious power and presence.
3. When I cannot come to Ordinances it is a grief to me, and when I am in duty, it is a grief to me, that I am so dull and finde no more inlargement; yet my affections are groaning after the Lord Jesus Christ in the duties, and I have a great longing to receive more of Christ. And I finde more comfort when my heart is inlarged in duty then in any other thing in the world, and I know that all my comfort is from Jesus Christ.
4. What I desire to injoy, I seek to injoy it in God through peace of conscience, that it may be to the comfort of my faith, for God is pure, and it is a great grief to me that I can serve my God no better.
5. I do not fear death, for my faith is so settled in God, that I long to be with my Saviour, when he shall be pleased to call me to him; Christ hath dyed for me, to take away the fear of the second death.
A. O.