Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 14
Experiences of H. W.
WHen my God appeared, through his grace, to shine by his sacred spirit into my dark soul, my thoughts wer much taken up in consideration of my sad and deplorable condition under the curse by nature, yet so, that I did withal see enough in Christ to deliver me from all, if I did attain to true belief.
But my perplexed soul drank deep of the bitter dregs of a sorrowful cup, before I could taste of the sweet cordialls my blessed Saviour had prepared for me; wherewith I have since been often refreshed.
My conscience told me, that (if I ever expected deliverance from sinne, death, and hell, and to have favour with God) I must devote my heart to him alone.
But yet I found the love of some worldly vanities rooted so fast in my affections, that I did often put God off, and had an ey to some worldly contents, which deprived me (for that time) of injoying peace in his presence.
I often said, Lord such a day, I will leave all, and never seeke my selfe, but thy glory in all things; and then again, Lord, after such a merry-meeting, then I will shake hands with all temporall delights; and again, now Lord once more, I will have but one day of pleasure, and then I will part with all that offends thee, and not seeke after any thing out of thee more.
But for a time all this proved but unfaithfulnesse to my Saviour, and wounds to my owne spirit, the sence whereof did sadly terrifie my conscience.
My soul was much cast down, and I sate up a great part of many nights, when all the family, where I then lived, was in bed, and with an heavy heart, and floods of tears gushing from my sorrowfull eyes, I was exceedingly disquieted, pouring forth mine heart to my God, and begging mercy at the foot-stoole of the Throne of grace.
And that which was the greatest horror upon my spirit, was, that I could not manifest my believing by a pious spirituall conversation in faithfull obedience according to the sacred rule of the Gospel. When I have had resolutions for worldly pleasures to satisfie the desires of nature, it hath taken away the comfort of my heart from spiritual duties in the interim.
But I found in my soul a great conflict in wrastlings against those sad temptations, my conscience convicting me how great an enemy I was to my soule therein: and testifying that it would be infinitely better to leave all the vain things of the world, then to live without the love of my Saviour.
But when my God was pleased to bring my heart to a frame to resolve seriously never to delay with God a moment more, my heart was so fixed on my Saviour, that I saw a sufficiency in him under any dispensation: I tasted a greater sweetnesse in the graces of his Spirit, then in any temporal pleasure. And I found much of the love, grace, spirit, and power of my dear Saviour appearing to refresh my troubled soul.
And I have found much comfort from divers promises of the Lord, and particularly,
Isa. 49.8.9. I will preserve thee, and give thee for a Covenant of the people to establish the earth, and to cause to inherit the desolate heritages. That thou mayest say to the Prisoners, goe forth; to them that are in darkness, shew your selves. Though I was before a Prisoner to worldly vanities, and shut up in darknesse, yet Christ being sent to declare the Covenant to such, I found good warrant to apply it to my self.
Ezek. 34.22. Therefore will I save my flock, and they shall be no more a prey. This salvation, I applyed as promised to me, considering that though I was a sinful man, yet it was my comfort that the Lord was my God; verse 31 And ye my flock, the flock of my pasture, are men, and I am your God.
Mat. 5.6. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousnesse, for they shall be filled. God having given mee an heart to hunger and thirst after my Saviour and my God above all things, I believe this promise was made to me, with many more, which gave much sweet comfort and consolation to my soul.
And being justified by Faith, I have peace with God, through our Lord Jesus Christ, the testimony of which faith is fea…ed to my soule by his blessed spirit in these Demonstrations.
1. I finde many evident testimonies of the love of God to me, which hath drawne forth my soule to an high esteeme of him, and to love him above all things.
2. I see nothing but sinne in my selfe, and my trust is in my Saviours merits for justification.
3. I feele glorious refreshments from the heavenly gales of Gods blessed Spirit, breathing his graces in my soule, which is the highest blisse I can desire on this side Heaven.
4. I find much comfort from the Word and Ordinances.
5. My chief desire in all things is to glorifie God.
6. I find a very great affection in my heart to the people of God, or any that I judge so to bee.
7. I desire to be at peace with, and doe all the good I can to all, especially those of the houshold of Faith.
8. I can heartily begge of the Lord to give me deliverance from, and strength against every sinne; though never so pleasing to my nature, or which I am most prone to.
9. I finde no such full joy in any thing, as I doe in communion with my God.
10. I see a purity and glorie in the waies of God, and Gospel-duties above all things.
11. I desire no longer to live then to glorifie God.
12. All the dayes of my appointed time, I waite till my change shall come.
H. W.