Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 13
Experiences of M. M.
I Have many times had a desire to heare the word of God, when I have been imployed about my calling. But I then thought to my selfe, that I had no body to provide for me, but if God would bestow on me so much of these outward things, as upon others in the world, then I would spend more time in hearing, prayer, and reading the word. And accordingly, as these outward things have ebbed or flowed, so hath my joy been lesse or more. But now God hath given me a sight of my sins, and why I had formerly no assurance; It was because I had not faith in my heart.
Before God wrought that in me, instead of making use of those comforts, which the word holds forth, I spent my time in mistrusting Gods providence, who therefore justly during that time, held the sence of his spirituall consolations from me.
Sometimes I was in despair (so low) that I could not apprehend any thing to be my portion but hell.
Every thing that fell not out according to my mind, I thought was a judgement from God upon me.
Yet I afterwards heard comfort by these inviting promises, Isay 55.1. Ho! every one that thirsteth, come yee to the waters, and he that hath no mony, come yee, buy, and eate, yea, come buy wine and milke without mony, and without price. And Ezek. 33.11. As I live, saith the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turne from his way and live: turn yee, turn yee from your evill ways, for why will yee dye O house of Israel?
I had some comfort from these promises, but no assurance, my thoughts were various, and though betweene hope and despaire, yet I resolved to goe to God, knowing that hee is unchangeable, and that whom hee loves, he loves to the end, and that at what time soever a sinner doth repent and turne to him, he will blot out all his sinnes and iniquities out of his remembrance.
And it pleased God to bring this promise into my mind, and to helpe me by faith to lay hold on it, and apply it to my selfe, Ezek. 18.21, 22. If the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed, and keep all my statutes; and do that which is lawfull and right, he shall surely live, he shal not die: All his transgressions that he hath committed, they shall not be mentioned unto him; in his righteousnesse, that he hath done, he shall live.
And Christ saith, John 3.16. God so loved the world, that he gave his onelyonly begotten Son, that whosoever beleeveth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. And this is life eternall, to know God, and Jesus Christ, whom hee hath sent.
1. I blesse God he hath made me now to beleeve, not onelyonly in word, but to labour to bring forth the fruits thereof in a godly life and conversation.
2. I cannot but admire the free love of God to me, that though I have given an eare formerly to the devill, and to the world, and to my own wicked heart; yet God hath been thus pleased now to call me out of darknesse into his most marvellous light.
3. And God hath been pleased to give me faith to believe, that though sin hath abounded in me, yet grace shall now much more abound. This makes me to see the free love of God without any desert in the creature.
4. I have formerly gone about to limit God, and be upon terms with him, that if he would give so much of these worldly things as I thought needfull, then I would spend more time in those duties which he hath commanded me. But this is contrary to the word of God, which teacheth me now First to seek the kingdom of God, and the righteousnesse thereof, knowing that all other things shall be added to me, that I want.
5. And now blessed be God, he hath made me to beleeve this, and all other promises, so that I can by faith call God my Father, who hath promised me that All things shall work together for good to me, because I love him.
6. I have found something from God, of hope of mercy, since I was a faithfull hearer of the word: Though the devil did before tempt me with objections to drive me to despair for sin
7. I am now, I praise my God, comforted, in believing that God will not mention my sins against me, Christ dyed for sinners, and the ungodly; and I know that although I have been a great sinner, yet this hinders me not from laying hold on the promises.
8. I doe beleeve, that the Life I now live, I live by the faith of the Sonne of God; I see by faith, that Christ hath satisfied Gods justice for my sins in particular, & hath bid me to reckon my self in him.
9. Now being spiritually married to Christ, all the priviledges of Saints and beleevers belong to me. And I can say, All is mine, and I am Christs, and Christ is Gods; Who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods Elect? It is God that hath justified me, Who is he that shall condemn me? Being now justified by Faith in Christ, I have peace with God.
10. I know when this earthly Tabernacle is dissolved, I shall have an abiding not made with hands, but eternal in the heavens; for Christ saith, I am gone to prepare a place for you, that is, for me & all believers.
10. All the promises of God in Christ, they are spoken to beleevers; and by faith I beleeve they are made to me, and because he lives, I shall live also; Now Christ hath made me free, I am now free indeed.
11. Christ hath done all for me, onelyonly bids me to beleeve, which faith by his spirit he hath wrought in me.
12. I have formerly been stirred up to heare, pray, and read upon selfish consideration of feare, that otherwise I should goe to Hell.
And I am ashamed to thinke how I have chosen rather what the devill hath said, then what God and Christ hath said.
But, blessed be the Lord, I now see it is free love that he forgiveth iniquity, transgressions, and sinnes, only because mercy pleaseth him; all that I can do, cannot.
13. I am guilty before Gods Justice in my selfe, both by originall sinne, which came by the fall of Adam, and much more by those many actuall sinnes, which I have Personally committed, but I am justified by Christ.
14. I desire to shew my dutifull love in obedience to my fathers commands, and my affections according to the rule of the Gospel to Christ my Husband, with whom I am spiritually marryed.
15. The Lord saith, Come out from amongst them all yee my people, and be ye separated, and touch no unclean thing, and I will be your God, and ye shall be my people. And if I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear my prayers.
I take God to witnesse, who knowes the secrets of all hearts, that I desire to joyn in duties, not to the end that others should have a good opinion of me: I know I must leave all worldly relations, how soon I know not; but herein, I shall have peace, that I doe as my father hath commanded me; and I rejoyce in Christ Jesus, putting no confidence in the flesh, but onelyonly in the merits of my Saviour.
M. M.