Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 12
Experiences of A. O.
I Have been many yeares since very sensible of my naturall estate, and did lye long under the sence of my sins, which were so great a burden to me, that they made mee almost to despaire, in so much that I could scarce either eate or drink, but had my spirits dryed up with the anguish thereof, as a bottle in the smoak.
For I was brought up under the means, and from a child, to frequent the hearing of the word. And the first cause of my so great torment was, for that I once told a lye against my conscience, which so lay upon my spirit afterwards, that I could receive no comfort; I went to hear the word, and did read the Scriptures, but all did but increase my horror.
Severall Ministers and godly people came to mee, and used great means to comfort me, but all in vain for a time; and when I read the Scriptures, I found eevery threatning and judgement therein, that I fixed my thoughts upon, to speak terror to my soul; and my distraction was so great, that my friends said that I was mad, and kept the Bible from mee. For so often as I did read in it, I pored most upon that dreadfull place, Matth. 12.31. All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men, but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost, shall not bee forgiven unto men.
I did not know what the sinne against the Holy Ghost was, but I had a perswasion, I had committed that sin, and feared that my sins could not be pardoned; and that I should never go to heaven, but was cast off to be damned.
Yet this the Lord wrought for me, and in mee, by his blessed spirit, to draw forth my heart, that I should still be often praying to God, in that poor doubting way my spirit could, by the Lords assistance vouchsafed to me, attain unto, for I yet thought it in vain, and that God would not heare me.
Yet I continued sometimes praying, and often cryed to God, not only in the day time, but frequently in the night, and did rise out of my bed to pray to God to have mercy upon me. And I was sometimes a little comforted, in that I was perswaded to hope in the Lord, but yet it was dashed againe through feare, that I had committed the sinne against the Holy Ghost. And I thought that all victuals, and every thing, was too good for me, and that I was unworthy of all injoyments of good to me: thus I lay for some months in a sad agony wrastling with temptations, perplexed between hope and feare.
But at last in hearing Mr. W. Minister of B. and reading a book called, the New birth, I found comfort, being better satisfied what the sinne against the Holy Ghost was, then before, since which I blesse God, I have for some yeares past, found much comfort from the promises of God revealed in his holy word, some of which follow.
Matth. 5.6. Blessed are they which doe hunger and thirst after righteousnesse, for they shall be filled. My cheif desires are after Jesus Christ, and to follow him in the rule of the Gospell, not doubting but that I shall bee blessed in that grace, which he communicates to mee from his fulnesse.
Matth. 11.28. Come unto me all yee that labour, and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. This promise being to soules laden with dejections, and universall, to all that come to Christ, hath much comforted my heart, in that by his spirit he hath drawne forth my soule to come to him.
And as a testimony of my love to God and evidences of my faith, I blesse God I have these comfortable fruits of the spirit of grace in my soule.
1 Though I doe all that I can to serve God, yet in all things I find infirmities in me, so that all my trust is onelyonly in the merits of my Saviour Jesus Christ.
2 Though I cannot be so holy as I should, yet I desire, and labour to be as holy as I can.
3 When my heart is dul, cold, and out of tune to serve God, it doth much trouble me, and in going to God I find comfort.
4 When I am hindred from duties with the people of God, it is a great grief unto me. And the manifestation of the presence of God upon my heart, is the greatest joy I finde, and that which most fils, and satisfies my soul.
5 I find the want of any of all Gods Ordinances to be a grief to me, & that I am at a losse therin.
6 I desire to serve God in all things, and have a real and hearty respect to all his Commandements, and to do justly to all, and do find my heart cheifly drawne forth to holinesse, and in all things to keep a good conscience and live in the fear of God.
A. O.