Spiritual Experiences of Sundry Believers, Part 1 · Section 11
Experiences of E. C.
ABout thirty years since, being about sixteen yeares of age, though I did not understand the word, yet I had a great desire to the word, and to go to heare, because they served God therein that did so, knowing that there is a God that ought to be served. And I sat often in corners studying what way I might come to God, if I should dye, having a very great affection wrought by the Lord upon my spirit, praying as well as I could, that my selfe, and my father, and mother, and friends might goe to God, when we die.
And I was very much set upon duties, thinking to finde God there; but I afterwards lived in a family, where I was much hindred from the Ordinances, or partaking of any thing of God, which was a great griefe unto me. Yet sometimes I have had thoughts then towards worldly things, and pondering how to be rich or fine as others, but God wrought in my heart a remorse to check those temptations. And frequently the Lord laid some affliction or other upon me to wean me the more from such vaine thoughts, which hath brought my heart into a very sad condition many times, and sometimes I have wept day and night. And at other times, through griefe that I could not sorrow enough, I have fallen into a great measure of weeping.
After, I had lived in several other families, where I had little comfort. About twenty yeares since, hearing Mr. F. at his Lecture at Martins, and Mr. P. on Lords dayes at the same place, I found much comfort, and since also by Mr. Marshall, Mr. Peters, and others: and from the consideration of the love of God in Christ, and the sufferings of Christ for us; as also of the woman that did but by faith touch the hem of Christs garment, was comforted and healed. And I had much comfort in private meetings.
But about five yeares since, seeing my other neighbours many of them flourish and prosper in the world more then I, I began to doubt that I did but play the hypocrite, and that perhaps they did pray more at home then I, though I knew some of them went lesse to the publicke Ordinances then I. I was very much troubled and thought with my selfe, Lord, shall I still lye at the poole, and finde no body to put me in, that I may be healed? and I was much troubled because many of my neighbours hated me, for frequenting private meetings. And I did for about a month spend much time in private prayer, and often in the night upon my bed, and went to hear onelyonly on the Lords dayes.
But then I had doubts upon me, that that was not pleasing to God, to pray unto him on a soft bed. Then the Lord put it in my heart, that he had promised, That where two or three are met together in my name, that I will be in the midst of them; This caused me to goe againe, as I had done before, to private meetings, and hearing of Sermons on weeke daies. But still I found many reasonings and doubtings upon my spirit, whether I was elected or not, and was much cast down many times about it, and had some temptations of despaire, fearing that such a sinner, as I, could not be saved. Yet I had comfort in this, that though I was a sinner, yet God by his spirit had mortified mee. And though I am not so good as I should be, yet through the power of grace, I am not so bad as the flesh would bee; and finding much of the testimony of Gods spirit upon my heart, I had great comfort to hope, that I had marks and tokens of my beleeving.
And about a yeare and a halfe since, one night, having for about halfe a yeares time before used to goe to bed before I prayed at night, and so that night also, being in bed with my husband, thinking to pray to God, I had strange temptations upon me, to put God out of my mind, and I could not speake a word, nor scarce think of God, and if I did in some intervalles, I could not name God, or Christ nor speake a word to God for the present. And Satan then appeared to mee in a most ugly shape, laughing and jeering at me, which did much affright me, and then I feared that I had played the hypocrite with God, and now should runne mad, to make good what some had reproachfully cast upon me, that I was an hypocrite. And I was rising up out of my bed, but it pleased God that while I was rising, the Lord put it into my minde, that Christ Jesus hath not given so much for soules, as he hath done, to let the Devill have them for nothing. And in the strength of the Lord I repulsed the Devill, saying, Satan, when thou in tempting Christ shewedst him the whole world, thou promisedst him that which was none of thine owne; nor am I thine, and therefore avoid Satan, for thou hast nothing to doe with me, and then the devill departed from my sight.
Then my heart was much filled with the thoughts of the goodnesse of God, and with a mixture of teares and joy, I had sweete comforts from the Lord. And though I have had many doubts upon my spirit sometimes, yet I have since found very great consolation through faith in the promises of God, as in these, and divers others.
Matth. 11.28. Come unto me all yee that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. I thanke God I have found much rest and refreshment by coming to Christ, and that his grace is sufficient for me.
Matth. 5.6. Blessed are they which doe hunger and thirst after righteousnesse for they shall be filled. I have often laid hold on this promise with a thirsting desire after Jesus Christ, and he hath filled me with comfort.
And the comfort wherewith Christ did comfort Peter, biding him not to feare, for he had prayed for him; hath been upon my spirit, and given mee great comfort, in that I know Christ is heard in all that he prayeth to the father.
And to my great comfort I finde these testimonies of my conversion to God, as satisfaction to my soule, that I am a true beleever.
1 Though I do all that I can to serve God, as hee hath commanded mee, yet I finde a great imperfection, and utter unworthinesse in my selfe, to deserve any thing of God. But my whole dependance and hope of salvation is in Gods free grace in the blood and merits of my Saviour Jesus Christ.
2 I doe finde that the love of God in Christ constraines me to love God again, above all things in the world, and what ever I am about, my soule is delighted with God above all.
3 I find that the Lord drawes my heart to hate all evill communication, and evill things, and not so much to feare the punishment of the world for any thing, as to sin against God.
4 I am much delighted in the workings of Gods spirit, and it is a great joy and comfort to my soule, when my heart is inlarged towards God.
5 My heart is much affected to the Ordinances and Duties, and if Satan lay worldly thoughts to hinder me from duties, I have called upon God, and found comfort, and when I have come to duties, with cold affections, I have been much refreshed in the duties though sometimes I have felt a pain in the distemper of my body, which I have thought Satan hath done to make me weary in duties, yet I have called on the Lord, and found comfort.
6 I find great peace and much comfort in the Lord, so that I could be willing to dye, and it is a great joy to me, in that I expect to dye, that I may be delivered from the afflictions of the world, to enter into eternall joy with Christ for ever.
E. O.