Tears of Repentance, Confession 7 – Confession 8
Monequaſſun, The Confeſſion which he made on the Faſt day before the great Aſſembly was as followeth
I Confeſs my sins before the Lord, and before men this day: a little while ſince I did commit many ſins, both in my hands and heart; luſts thefts, and many other sins, and that every day: and after I heard of praying to God, and that others prayed to God, my heart did not like it, but hated it, yea and mocked at it; and after they prayed at Cohannet I ſtil hated it, and when I heard the Word I did not like of it, but thought of running away, becauſe I loved ſin: but I loved the place of my dwelling, and therfore I thought I wil rather pray to God, and began to do it; a little I deſired to learn the ten Commandements of God, and other points of Catechiſme; and then a little I repented, but I was quickly weary of repentance, and fell again to sin, and full of evil thoughts was my heart: and then I played the Hypocrite, and my heart was full of sin: I learned ſome things, but did not do what God commanded, but I sinned and playd the Hypocrite; ſome things I did before man, but not before God. But afterward I feared becauſe of my ſins, and feared puniſhment for my ſins, therefore I thought again I would run away; yet again I loving the place, would not run away, but would pray to God: and I asked a Queſtion at the Lecture▪ which was this, How I ſhould get wiſdom? the Anſwer made me a little to underſtand: but afterward I heard the word If any man lack wiſdom, let him ask it of God, who giveth liberally to all that ask, and upbraideth none. But then I did fear Gods anger, becauſe of all my ſins, becauſe they were great. Afterward hearing that Word, That Chriſt is named Jeſus, becauſe he redeemeth us from all our ſins: I thought Chriſt would not ſave me, becauſe I repent not, for he ſaveth only penitent Beleevers; but I am not ſuch an one, but ſtill a dayly ſinner. Afterward hearing that Word, Bleſſed are they that hunger and thirſt after righteouſneſs, for they ſhall be filled: then I thought I am a poor ſinner, and poor is my heart: then I prayed to God to teach me to do that which he requireth, and to pray aright. Afterward hearing that word, Who ever looks upon a Woman to luſt after her, hath already committed Adultry with her in his heart; then I thought I had done all manner of ſins in the sight of God, becauſe he ſeeth luſt in the heart, and knoweth all the evil thoughts of my heart; and then I did pray unto God, Oh! give me Repentance and Pardon. Afterwards when I did teach among the Indians, I was much humbled becauſe I could not reade right, and that I ſinned in it; for I ſaw that when I thought to do a good work, I ſinned in doing it, for I knew not what was right, nor how to do it. In the night I was conſidering of my ſins, and could not find what to do: three nights I conſidered what to do, and at laſt God ſhewed me mercy, and ſhewed me what I ſhould do. And then I desired to learn to read Gods Word, and hearing that if we ask wiſdom of God, he will give it, then I did much pray to God, that he would teach me to reade. After a years time, I thought I did not rightly ſeek, and I thought I sinned, becauſe I did not rightly desire to read Gods Word, and I thought my praying was sinful, and I feared, how ſhould I, my wife, and child be cloathed, if I ſpend my time in learning to reade; but then God was merciful to me, and ſhewed me that Word, Say not, what ſhall I eat, or drink, or wherewith ſhall I be cloathed, wicked men ſeek after theſe; but firſt ſeek the Kingdom of Heaven, and theſe things ſhall be added to you; then I pr…yed God to teach me this word, and that I might do it: and then I desired to read Gods word, what ever I wanted. Afterward hearing that we muſt make a Town, and gather a Church at Natick, my heart diſliked that place; but hearing that word, That Chriſt met two Fiſhers, and ſaid, follow me, and I will make you fiſhers of men, and they preſently left all and followed him; hearing this, I was much troubled, becauſe I had not beleeved Chriſt, for I would not follow him to make a Church, nor had I done what he commanded me, and then I was troubled for all my ſins. Again hearing that word, That the blind man called after Chriſt, ſaying, thou Son of David have mercy on me; Chriſt asked him what he would have him do, he ſaid, Lord open my eyes; and preſently Chriſt gave him ſight, and he followed Chriſt: then again my heart was troubled, for I thought I ſtill beleeve not, becauſe I do not follow Chriſt, nor hath he yet opened mine eyes: then I prayed to Chriſt to open mine eyes, that I might ſee what to do, becauſe I am blind and cannot ſee how to follow Chriſt, and do what he commandeth, and I prayed to Chriſt, Teach me Lord what to do, and to do what thou ſayeſt; and I prayed that I might follow Chriſt: and then I thought I will follow Chriſt to make a Church. All this trouble I had to be brought to be willing to make a Church: and quickly after, God laid upon me more trouble, by ſickneſs and death; and then I much prayed to God for life, for we were all ſick, and then God would not hear me, to give us life; but firſt one of my Children died, and after that my Wife; then I was in great ſorrow, becauſe I thought God would no hear me, and I thought it was becauſe I would not follow him, therefore he hears not me: then I found this ſin in my heart, That I was angry at the puniſhment of God: but afterward I conſidered, I was a poor ſinner, I have nothing, nor Child, nor Wife, I deſerve that God ſhould take away all mercies from me; and then I repented of my ſins, and did much pray, and I remembred the promiſe to follow Chriſt, and my heart ſaid, I had in this ſinned, that followed not Chriſt, and therefore I cryed for pardon of this ſin: and then hearing of this Word, Who ever beleeveth in Chriſt, his ſins are pardoned, he beleeving that Chriſt died for us; and I beleeved. Again hearing that Word, If ye be not converted, and become as a little Child, you cannot go to Heaven; then my heart thought, I do not this, but I deſerve Hell fire for ever; and then I prayed Chriſt, Oh! turn me from my ſin, and teach me to hear thy Word; and I prayed to my Father in Heaven: and after this, I beleeved in Chriſt for pardon. Afterward I heard that Word, That it is a ſhame for a man to wear long hair, and that there was no ſuch cuſtom in the Churches: at firſt I thought I loved not long hair, but I did, and found it very hard to cut it off; and then I prayed God to pardon that ſin alſo: Afterward I thought my heart cared not for the Word of God: but then I thought I would give my ſelf up unto the Lord, to do all his Word. Afterward I heard that word, If thy right foot offend thee, cut it off, or thy right hand, or thy right eye; its better to go to Heaven with one foot, or hand, or eye, than having both to go to Hell; then I thought my hair had been a ſtumbling to me, therefore I cut it off, and grieved for this fin, and prayed for pardon. After hearing that word, Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavie laden with your ſins, and I will give reſt to your ſouls; then my heart thought that I do dayly hate my ſins, Oh! that I could go to Chriſt! and Chriſt looketh I ſhould come unto him, therfore I will go unto him, and therfore then I prayed, Oh! Chriſt help me to come unto thee: and I prayed becauſe of all my ſins that they may be pardoned. For the firſt man was made like God in holineſs, and righteouſneſs, and God gave him his Covenant; but Adam ſinned, beleeving the Devil, therefore God was angry, and therefore all we Children of Adam are like the Devil, and dayly ſin, and break every Law of God, full of evil thoughts, words, and works, and only Chriſt can deliver us from our ſins, and he that beleeveth in Chriſt is pardoned; but my heart of my ſelf cannot beleeve: Satan hath power in me, but I cry to God, Oh! give me faith, and pardon my ſin, becauſe Chriſt alone can deliver me from Hell; therefore I pray, Oh! Jeſus Chriſt deliver me. Chriſt hath provided the new Covenant to ſave Beleevers in Chriſt, therefore I deſire to give my ſoul to Chriſt, for pardon of all my ſins: the firſt Covenant is broke by ſin, and we deſerve Hell; but Chriſt keepeth for us the new Covenant, and therfore I betruſt my ſoul with Chriſt. Again, I deſire to beleeve in Chriſt, becauſe Chriſt will come to judgment, and all ſhall riſe again, and all Beleevers in this life ſhall then be ſaved; therefore I deſire to beleeve Chriſt, and mortifie ſin as long as I live; and I pray Chriſt to help me to beleeve: and I thank God for all his mercies every day: and now I confeſs before God that I loath my ſelf for my ſins and beg pardon.
Thus far he went in his Confeſſion; but they being ſlow of ſpeech, time was far ſpent and a great aſſembly of Engliſh underſtanding nothing he ſaid, only waiting for my interpretation, many of them went forth, others whiſpered, and a great confusion was in the Houſe and abroad: and I perceived that the graver ſort thought the time long, therfore knowing he had ſpoken enough unto ſatisfaction (at leaſt as I judged) I here took him off. Then one of the Elders asked, if I took him off, or whether had he finiſhed? I anſwered, That I took him off. So after my reading what he had ſaid, we called another.
The next who was called forth was Ponampam, who had formerly twice made confeſſion, and both read before the Elders. His firſt Confeſſion was as followeth.
VVHen God firſt had mercy on us, when they firſt prayed at Noonanetam, I heard of it, and the firſt word that I heard was, That all from the riſing of the ſun to the going down thereof, ſhall pray unto God; and I thought, Oh! let it be ſo. After I considered what the word may be, and underſtood by it, That God was mercyfull; afterwards when you alwayes came to us, I only heard the word, I did not underſtand it, nor meditate on it, yet I found that al my doings were sins againſt God; then I prayed unto God. Afterwards I heard, That God would pardon all that beleeve in Chriſt! and quickly after I ſaw my sins to be very many; I ſaw that in every thing I did, I sinned: & when I ſaw theſe my sins againſt God, I was weary of my ſelf, & angry with my ſelf in my heart; but the free mercy of God, cauſed me to hear his word, and then I feared becauſe every day sin was in my heart, and I thought in vain I looked to Chriſt: Then hearing this word of Chriſt, that Chriſt taught through every town, and village, Repent and beleeve. If any one repent, and mourn, and beleeve, I will pardon him; then my heart thought I will pray to God as long as I live: but ſomtimes my heart was aſhamed, and ſomtimes my heart was ſtrong, and God ſeeth my heart: I now desire to repent, and beleeve in Chriſt, and that Chriſt will pardon me, and ſhew mercy to us all.