Tears of Repentance, Preparatory confession 8 – Preparatory confession 13
Niſhohkou
I am dead in ſin, Oh! that my ſins might die, for they cannot give life, becauſe they be dead: before I prayed to God, I did commit all filthyneſſe, I prayed to many gods, I was proud, full of luſts, adulteries, and all others ſins, and therefore this is my firſt Confeſſion, that God is mercifull, and I am a ſinner, for God have given unto me inſtruction and cauſeth me to pray unto God, but I only pray words; when I prayed, I ſomtimes wondered, and thought true it is that God made the world, and me: and then I thought I knew God, becauſe I ſaw theſe his works, and then I was glad ſomtimes, and gave thanks; yet preſently again I did not rejoyce in it. Again ſomtimes I thought, now I do wel becauſe I pray, and work not on the Sabbath daies, but come to the Meetings, and hear the Word of God: But afterward again, I thought I do not wel, becauſe true it is, That yet I do not truly pray; for now I ſee I ſin when I pray, becauſe there is nothing but ſin in my mouth, or hand, or heart, and all ſins are there, for of theſe my ſins my heart is full, becauſe my heart doth ſometimes luſt, and ſteal, and the like. Again, I was not only proud before I prayed, but now I am proud. Again, ſometimes my heart is humbled, and then I pray, Oh God have mercy on me, and pardon theſe my ſins; yet ſometimes I know not whether God did either hear my prayer, or pardon my ſins. Again, afterwards I thought I had greatly ſinned, becauſe I heard of the good way of praying unto God, but I do wickedly becauſe I pray not truly, yea, ſometimes I have much ado to pray with my mouth, and therfore I ſin. I heard of that good way, to keep the Sabbath, and not to work on that day, and I did ſo: but yet again I ſinned in it, becauſe I did not reverence the Word of God; yea, and ſometimes I thought that working on the Sabbath was no great matter. Again, I heard it was a good way to come to the Meetings, and hear the word of God, and I deſired to do it; but in this alſo I ſinned, becauſe I did not truly hear: yea, ſometimes I thought it no great matter if I heard not, and cared not to come to hear, and ſtill I ſo ſinned. Then I thought God was angry, becauſe I have greatly ſinned; deſiring to do well, and yet again to ſin. When I deſired to do well, then I ſinned, and in all things I ſinned. But afterward I was angry with my ſelf, and thought I will not ſin again; and what God ſaith, is good, but I am ſinful becauſe I have done all theſe evils. Again, ſometimes my heart is humbled, and then I repent, and ſay, Oh God and Jeſus Chriſt, have mercy on me, and pardon my ſins. Now I deſire truly to pray; now I deſire to reverence the Word every Sabbath day: now I deſire to hear the Word of God truly; now I deſire to bend my heart to pray, and it may be God will hear me: but quickly after a temptation cometh to my heart, and I did not deſire it. Again, ſometimes I did think, true it is I can do nothing of my ſelf, but Jeſus Chriſt muſt have mercy on me, becauſe Chriſt hath done for me all Gods Commandements and good Works, therfore my heart ſaith, Oh Jeſus give me deſires after thee: ſometimes I think it is true, I have greatly ſinned againſt God, but great are his mercies: ſometimes I hear the Word on the Sabbath day, and he giveth it me, [that is, maketh it my own] ſometimes I ſay the great and mighty God is in Heaven, but theſe are but words, becauſe I do not fear this great and mighty God; and I ſometimes regard not Gods Word, and make it of none effect, becauſe I do not that which is good, but commit ſin: ſometimes I ſay I know Chriſt, becauſe I know he died for us, and hath redeemed us, and procured pardon for us: yet again I ſay I ſin, becauſe I beleeve not Chriſt, for that only is right to beleeve in Chriſt, and do what he ſaith; but I think I do this in vain, becauſe I yet do not truly beleeve in Jeſus Chriſt, nor do what he commandeth, and therefore my heart plays the hypocrite; and now I know what is hypocriſie, namely, when I know what I ſhould do, and yet do it not. Sometimes I think I am like unto Satan, becauſe I do al theſe ſins, and ſin in all things I do; if I pray I ſin, If I keep Sabbath I ſin, if I hear Gods Word I ſin, therefore I am like the Devil. Now I know I deſerve to go to Hell, becauſe all theſe ſins I have committed: then my heart is troubled, and I ſay, Oh God and Chriſt pardon all my ſin, for I cannot pardon my ſins my ſelf; for the firſt man brought ſin into the world, and therfore I am ſinful, therfore I pray thee O Lord pardon all the ſins which I have done. Again, ſometimes my heart is humbled, and I deſire to fear God, becauſe he is a great God, and I deſire to do what he ſaith, and now I deſire to do the right way, and now I deſire to beleeve Jeſus Chriſt; and ſometimes I think it may be God will hear me, it may be he will pardon me, yet again I think I cannot be aſhamed of ſin; but now I am aſhamed of all my ſins, and my heart is broken, and all theſe my ſins I caſt off, and take heed of: yet then again I ſometimes ſay to God, I cannot my ſelf be humbled, or break my heart, or caſt off ſin, but I pray thee O Jeſus help me to do it. Again, ſometimes I confeſs this is true, I cannot redeem my ſelf, nor deliver my ſelf, becauſe of all theſe my many ſins; truly, full is my heart of ſin in every thing, all my thoughts, my words, my looks, my works are full of ſin; true … therefore I cannot deliver my ſelf from ſin; Oh redeem thou my ſoul from Hel and torment, for I like not to do it with my own hand, therfore I deſire Jeſus Chriſt, that I may delight in him; take thou me and my ſoul, becauſe thou haſt done Gods word, and all good works for me, and haſt procured pardon for all my ſins, and haſt prepared pardon in Heaven, therfore I deſire, Oh I deſire pardon: but I ſomtimes think Chriſt doth not delight in me becauſe I do much play the hypocrite, but if I truly beleeve then he will pardon, but true faith I cannot work; Oh Jeſus Chriſt help me, and give it me.
Another who made Confeſſion, is named Magus; which is as followeth:
HEretofore I beleeved not, that God made the world, but I thought the world was of it ſelf, and all people grew up in the world of themſelves. When any bid me pray to God, I ſaid I cannot, and none of our Rulers beleeve or pray to God; yet I went about to ſeek how to pray to God. I told the wiſe men, I ſeek how to pray to God, and all of them could not find how to pray to God. Afterward I had a deſire to pray God, leſt I ſhould loſe my ſoul, but my heart run away, and I could not find how to pray to God, and therefore I thought of going away; yet I alſo thought if I do go away, I ſhall loſe my ground. But after this I heard of Gods anger againſt me, and I beleeved it; for God made the firſt man good, and told him if he did well he ſhould live, and this day I beleeve all men ſhould do ſo: and then I thought I will pray as long as I live, and I will labor, becauſe Gods promiſe is, If we labor we ſhall eat; and I ſee that that is a true word; for they that do labor do eat [that is, have wherewith to be fed] I ſee that ſin alwaies hath continued, from the beginning of the world. I beleeve that word which God told Eve, That in ſorrow ſhe ſhould bring forth Children, and I ſee it dayly to be true. I beleeve that word of God, that ſin brings miſery, and all ſhall die, becauſe by ſin, we break all the Commands of God: I have been full of luſts, and thefts, &c. all my life, and all the time I have lived. I have done contrary to the Command of God. And I am now grieved, now I hear of all my ſins: I beleeve Chriſt doth convert me to God, and he calleth Children, and old men, and all men to turn unto God, and from their ſins; he calleth to ſorrow and repentance, and ever to beleeve in Chriſt; and who ever doth this, ſhall be ever bleſſed in Heaven; but if he do it not, he periſheth: if he turn not from ſin, dying, he ſhall go to Hell for ever. I think alſo, that ſo long as I live, God doth give me life. I beleeve that we ought to gather into a Church, to ſerve God as long as we live. But I do not know whether yet God hath pardoned my ſins, or not; but I know Chriſt, and I know he hath already dyed for me, becauſe I cannot redeem my ſelf.
Another who made Confeſſion, was named Poquanum; which was as followeth. His first Confeſſion.
A Great while ago the Engliſh would tell me of God but I hated it, and would go out of doors, when they ſo ſpake unto me, and I murmured at it. When the Indians firſt prayed to God, I did not think there was a God, or that the Bible was Gods Book, but that wiſe men made it: When ſome prayed to God, I went with them, but I did not know God. Afterward my mind was changed thus far, That I deſired to be wiſe, as others were, but yet I knew nothing of God; yea, after I prayed to God. I ſtill did think there was no God. Afterward I found this in my heart, That we pray to God for our ſouls, then I thought all my praying was nothing, becauſe I was ſo fooliſh that I never thought of dying: but after, I learned, That all muſt die, and good mens ſouls go to Heaven; and then I thought of dying, and of my ſoul: but then I thought we prayed for nothing but that our ſouls might go to Heaven; I knew nothing of Chriſt. But after, when the Children were Catechiſed, and taught the ten Commandements, I hearkned, and by them I came to know that there was a God, and that there was ſin againſt God; and hereby God made me to ſee all my ſins, both before I prayed to God, and ſince; and I ſaw Gods anger againſt me for my ſins, before, and ſince I prayed, becauſe ſometimes I came not to the Meeting; brake my word, regarded not my children, and I ſee ſin in me, and therfore I do greatly fear Gods anger.
Poquanum; His Second Confeſſion was as followeth:
BEfore I prayed unto God, I greatly ſinned, I prayed to many gods, and uſed Panwaning, Adultery, Luſt, Lying, and al other ſins, and many were my ſins, evil thoughts, evil words, and nothing elſe but evil, hatred, and pride, and all ſins againſt God, coveting other mens goods; when I ſtole, I added lying to it when I had done; I was very proud, I much hatred many men, and loved them not becauſe I was angry with them; and thus I did every day: I would ſlander my neighbors, great was my pride, I was dayly angry with my neighbors, my heart was alwaies full of ſuch waies. When the Engliſh ſaid, Pray to God, I cared not for God, becauſe I loved ſin, nor did I deſire that God ſhould forgive my ſin. Afterward I heard the word, That if we truly pray, mourn for ſin, caſt off ſin; deſire to hear the word, and beleeve in Chriſt, God will then pardon, and when he dieth Chriſt will lead him to Heaven: I much rejoyced to hear of this pardon, but I muſt truly beleeve in Chriſt, elſe I ſhal not have pardon; and firſt I thought God will not pardon me, becauſe I ſtill ſinned. But afterward I heard, That though we ſhould pray as long as we live, and never ſin more, yet that was of no value; but we muſt beleeve in Chriſt, elſe there is no pardon; and this I rejoyced at.
Another who made Confeſſion, is named Nookau, which is as followeth. His firſt Confeſſion.
FIve years ago, before I prayed I was ſick, I thought I ſhould die; at which I was much troubled, and knew not what to do; then I thought, if there be a God above, and he give life again, then I ſhall beleeve there is a God above, and God did give me life: and after that I took up praying to God. Now I beleeve God, one God that made all the World, and governeth it, yet this I only ſaid with my mouth, I did not truly beleeve it in my heart. Then I underſtood, That God made the firſt man good, and like God, but he ſinned, and we have loſt Gods Image, and are like the Devil, and deſerve Hell and Damnation: this I now know, and ſee that I am fooliſh, and ſometime think not of God in an whol day, ſometime I do think of God every day; ſometime my heart greatly ſinneth, then ſometime I preſently fear, but again ſometimes I am ſlow to fear; I am very fooliſh becauſe I do not underſtand the Word, but break the Word of God. I beleeve the Catechiſm we learn to be according to the Word of God; but the writings of the Bible are the very Words of God, and the Spirit of God is the Word, and that God giveth all things that are good: I now ſee my ſins before I prayed unto God, and ſince, and I beleeve that God ſeeth them all: and my heart feareth, becauſe I do not yet forſake my ſins, and I think God will not forgive me: becauſe my heart is wicked; I know not when Chriſt forgiveth my ſins, others may know, but I deſire that my ſins may be pardoned for Chriſt his ſake.
Nookau, His Second Confeſſion.
BEfore I prayed to God, I greatly ſinned every day, I was proud, and lived in adultery, lying, &c. and my heart alwaies full of evil thoughts, and when the Engliſh would inſtruct me, I then thought my waies evil, but the buſineſs of praying to God, good; then I did think, if I could firſt underſtand, then I would pray to God, and I was glad to hear of any that did pray to God. When I heard that word at Cohannet, Who ever lacketh wiſdom, let him ask it of God; let fools pray to God, and he will give them wiſdom: I thought I was a fool, and I beleeved that Word of God. I heard that word of the dry bones, God bid them hear, and promiſed to put fleſh, and ſinews, and skin upon them, and make them live; therefore I deſired to hear, becauſe I beleeved the dry bones, and that I was one that did not know God: afterward I was glad of praying to God. Sometimes I beleeved not God, and God will not look on ſuch, alwaies I thought God will not forgive me. I wondred at all that prayed to God, becauſe I thought God had given them wiſdom: then I thought I am glad I pray to God. Sometime my heart is broken becauſe I ſhall loſe all in this world, and loſe my ſoul alſo, becauſe I beleeve not, for all the Words of God are true which he hath taught me. Now this day I think I will confeſs the truth; Becauſe I have ſinned, I want Jeſus Chriſt: and I will truly confeſs God, becauſe of that word of Chriſt, He that confeſſeth me before men, him will I confeſs before my Father: I wonder at this Inſtruction, I deſire to confeſs my heart.