Tears of Repentance, Confession 10 – Preparatory confession 7
Ponampam; The Confeſſion he made on the Faſt day, before the great Aſſembly was as followeth:
BEfore I prayed unto God, I committed all manner of ſins; and when I heard the Catechiſm, That God made me, I did not beleeve it, becauſe I knew I ſprang from my Father and Mother, and therefore I deſpiſed the Word, and therefore again I did act all ſins, and I did love them. Then God was merciful to me, to let me hear that Word, That al ſhal pray from the riſing to the ſ…ting Sun; and then I conſidered whether I ſhould pray, but I found not in my heart that all ſhould pray: but then I conſidered of praying, and what would become of me if I did not pray, and what would become of me, if I did pray; but I thought if I did pray, the Sacbems would be angry, becauſe They did not ſay, pray to God, and therefore I did not yet pray; but conſidering of that word, that all ſhall pray, I was troubled, and I found in my heart that I would pray unto God; and yet I feared that others would laugh at me, and therefore I did not yet pray. Afterward God was yet merciful to me, and I heard that God made the World, and the firſt man, and I thought it was true, and therefore I would pray to God, becauſe he hath made all; and yet when I did pray, I thought I prayed not aright, becauſe I prayed for the ſake of man, and I thought this to be a great ſin. But then I wondered at Gods free mercy to me, for I ſaw God made me, and giveth me all mercies: and then was I troubled, and ſaw that many were my ſins, and that I do not yet beleeve; then I prayed, yet my heart ſinned, for I prayed only with my mouth: and then I repented of my ſins, and then a little I conſidered and remembred Gods love unto us: but I was a ſinner, and many were my sins, and a little I repented of them; and yet again I sinned, and quickly was my heart full of sin: then again was my heart angry with my ſelf, and often I loſt all this again, and fell into sin. Then I heard that word, That God ſent Moſes to Egypt, and promiſed I will be with thee; that promiſe I considered, but I thought that in vain I did ſeek, and I was aſhamed that I did ſo: and I prayed, Oh God teach me truly to pray, not only before man, but before God, and pardon al theſe my sins. Again I heard that word, that Chriſt taught through every Town and Village, Repent and beleeve, and be ſaved, and a little I beleeved this word, and I loved it, and then I ſaw all my ſins, and prayed for pardon. Again I heard that word, He that caſteth off God, him will God caſt off; and I found in my heart, that I had done this, and I feared becauſe of this my sin, leſt God ſhould caſt me off, and that I ſhould for ever periſh in Hell, becauſe God hath caſt me off, I having caſt of God: then I was troubled about Hell, and what ſhall I do if I be damned! Then I heard that word, If ye repent and beleeve, God pardons all sins; then I thought, Oh that I had this, I desired to repent and beleeve, and I begged of God, Oh give me Repentance and Faith, freely do it for me; and I ſaw God was merciful to do it, but I did not attend the Lord, only ſometimes; and I now confeſs I am aſhamed of my sins, my heart is broken, and melteth in me; I am angry at my ſelf; I desire pardon in Chriſt; I betruſt my ſoul with Chriſt, that he may do it for me.
By ſuch time as this man had finiſhed, the time was far ſpent, and he was the fift in number, their ſpeeches being ſlow, and they were the more ſlow at my requeſt, that I might write what they ſaid; & oft I was forced to inquire of my interpreter (who ſat by me) becauſe I did not perfectly underſtand ſome ſentences, eſpecially of ſome of them: theſe things did make the work long-ſom, considering the inlargement of ſpirit God gave ſome of them; and ſhould we have proceeded further, it would have been ſun-ſet before the Confeſſions in likelyhood would have been finiſhed, beſides all the reſt of the work that was to be done to finiſh ſo ſolemn a work; and the place being remote in the woods, the nights long and cold and people not fitted to lie abroad, and no competant lodgings in the place for ſuch perſons, and the work of ſuch moment as wonld not admit an hudling up in haſt. And besides all this, though I had fully uſed all fit means, to have all the Interpreters preſent that I could, that ſo the intetpretation might not depend upon my single teſtemony, yet ſo it was that they all failed, and I was alone (as I have been wont to be in this work) which providence of God was not to be neglected in ſo ſolemn a busineſs. Wherfore the Magiſtrates, Elders, and Grave Men preſent, adviſed together what to do, and the Concluſion was, Not to proceed any further at preſent, yet ſo to carry the matter, as that the Indians might in no wiſe be diſcouraged, but encouraged; to which end, one of the Elders was requeſted to ſpeak unto the Engliſh, the two above ſaid Reaſons, viz. The want of Interpreters, And want of Time, to finiſh at this time ſo ſolemn a Work; but to refer it to a more fitting time. And I was desired to declare it to the Indians, which I did to this purpoſe, That the Magiſtrates, Elders, and other Chriſtian People preſent, did much rejoyce to hear their Confeſſions, and adviſed them to go on in that good way; but as for the gathering a Church among them this day, it could not be; partly, Becauſe neither Mr. Mayhew, nor Mr. Leveridg. nor any Interpreter was here (for whom they knew I had ſent, ſome of themſelves being the Meſſengers to carry Letters time enough) and it was Gods Ordinance, That when any were to judg a Caſe, though they could beleeve one Witneſs, yet they could not judg under two or three. Alſo I told them, That themſelves might easily ſee there was not time enough to finiſh ſo ſolemn a work this day; therefore they adviſed, and God called to refer it to a fitter ſeaſon; in which advice they reſted: And ſo was the Work of that day, with prayers unto God, finiſhed; the accompliſhment being referred to a fitter ſeaſon.
As for my ſelf, the Lord put it into the hearts of the Elders, to ſpeak unto me words of Comfort, and acceptance of my poor Labor, expreſſing their loving fear, leſt I ſhould be diſcouraged by this diſappointment: I ſhall therefore nakedly declare, and open my very heart in this Matter. The Lord he knoweth, that with much fear, and care I went about this work, even unto the ſenſible waſting, and weakning of my natural ſtrength, knowing that the inveſting theſe young Babee in Chriſt, with the higheſt, and all the external priviledges of the Church, the Spouſe of Jeſus Chriſt on Earth, would have drawn upon me much more labor and care, leſt they ſhould in any wiſe ſcandalize the ſame; unto which I have now more time aſſigned me by the Lord to prepare them, yea, and a greater advantage than I had before, becauſe this diſpenſation of the Lord, doth give me occaſion to inſtruct them of their need to be filled with deeper apprehenſions of the weight and ſolemnity of that great Work, though it is moſt true, that they alſo came on unto it with many fears, and queſtions, what they ſhould do when they ſhould be a Church: When therefore I ſaw the Lord by the Counſel of his Servants (which is an holy reverend Ordinance of Chriſt) and by his Providence denying me the help of all Interpreters, having many witneſſes how much care and pains I took every way I knew, to be ſupplied therein; and that the work it ſelf was extended by the Lords gracious inlarging them in their Confeſſions, ſo that the day was not ſufficient to accompliſh it; I ſay, when I ſaw the Lord ſpeaking that delatory word, I cannot expreſs what a load it took off my heart, and I did gladly follow the Lord therein, yea, and I bleſs the Lord for that day, that it was carried ſo far as it was, for the cauſe of Chriſt hath many waies gained by it, many hundreds of the precious Saints, being much comforted and confirmed in their hopes of this work of Chriſt among them, and their faith and prayers much quickned by what they heard and ſaw. And becauſe all witneſſes failed me, let me ſay but this, I began, and have followed this work for the Lord according to the poor meaſure of grace received, & not for baſe ends. I have been true & faithful unto their ſouls, and in writing and reading their Confeſſions, I have not knowingly, or willingly made them better, than the Lord helped themſelves to make them, but am verily perſwaded on good grounds, that I have rather rendered them weaker (for the moſt part) than they delivered them; partly by miſſing ſome words of weight in ſome Sentences, partly by my ſhort and curt touches of what they more fully ſpake, and partly by reaſon of the different Idioms of their Language and ours.
Now follow thoſe Preparitory Confeſſions, which were read before the Elders, moſt of them.
The first that made a publick Confeſſion, and was took in Writing, was Peter, a Ruler of Ten among them, a Godly man, who quickly after he had made this Confeſſion, fell ſick, and died, and now injoyeth the fruit of his Faith, the end of his Hope, the ſalvaion of his Soul, among the Bleſſed; where I am perſwaded he ſhall be found in the great day. His Confeſſion was as followeth.
VVHen I firſt prayed to God, I did not fear God, but I feared perdition, becauſe the Engliſh had told me, that all ſhould be damned, that call not upon God. But now I know that God made all the world, and I fear him; now I beleeve that which you teach is true; Now I beleeve that God calleth us to Natik, that here we may be ruled by God, and gather a Church; now I beleeve that it is Gods Command, that we ſhould labor Six dayes, and keep the Sabbath on the Seventh day: now my heart is greatly abaſed for all my ſins; for we ſee though we pray to God we are ready to offend each other, and be angry with each other, and that we love not each other as we ſhould do; and for this I grieve & my heart crieth: now I remember that God ſaith thou ſhalt not luſt, but before I prayed to God I was full of luſts. God ſaith, We muſt have but one Wife, and at firſt did make but one man and one woman; but I followed many women. God ſaith, Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy; but I did hunt, or ſhoot, or any thing on the Sabbath day: many other ſins I committed; but now I ſee them, and wil caſt them away becauſe they are vile, and God forbiddeth them: when I prayed firſt my sins were not pardoned, for my praying is worth nothing: now I am humbled, and mourn for my sins and yet cannot deliver my ſelf nor get pardon, therfore I truſt Chriſt with my ſoul.
The next Confeſſion was made by John Speene, as followeth. His firſt confeſſion was this,
WHen I firſt prayed to God, I did not pray for my ſoul but only I did as my friends did, becauſe I loved them; and though I prayed to God, yet I did not fear ſin, nor was I troubled at it. I heard that when good men die, their ſouls go to God, and are there happy, but I cannot ſay that I beleeved it. Afterward my heart run away into the country, after our old wayes, and I did almoſt caſt off praying to God. A little while after that, I ſaw that I had greatly ſinned, and then I ſaw all my ſins, afore I prayed to God, and ſince I prayed to God, and I ſaw that God was greatly angry for them, and that I cannot get pardon for them; but yet my heart ſaith I will pray to God as long as I live: I thought God would not pardon me, and yet I would caſt away my ſins. I did greatly love hunting, and hated labor: but now I beleeve that word of God, which ſaith, Six dayes thou ſhalt labor. and God doth make my body ſtrong to labor.
John Speene, This Confeſſion being ſhort in ſome main points, he afterward made Confeſſion as followeth.
WHen I firſt prayed I prayed not for my ſoul, but for the ſake of men, I loved men, and for their ſakes I prayed to God. Before I prayed many were my ſins, and my heart was heaped full, and ran over in all manner of luſts and ſins. After I heard of praying to God, I let it fall and regarded it not; after I came to hear the word, I ſometimes feared, but ſoon loſt it again. Then my heart ran away after our former courſes, and then what ever I heard I loſt, becauſe my heart was run away; and many were my ſins, and therfore I could not get pardon, becauſe my heart run away, and many were my ſins, and I did indeed go into the Country. But afterwards, I hearing the Catechiſm, I deſired to learn it, and then I beleeved that when Beleevers die, their ſouls go to God, and are ever happy; when Sinners die, their ſouls go to Hel and are ever tormented; and that when Chriſt judges the world, our bodies riſe again, and then we ſhall receive the judgment of Chriſt; the good ſhal ſtand at his right hand, the bad at his left: this I beleeved was true, and then I ſaw all my great follies and evils: and now my heart deſired to lay by hunting, and to work every day; and this is Gods Command, and therfore a good way; God ſaid, Thou ſhalt work ſix daies, and if thou work, thou ſhalt eat; therfore I beleeve it, and my heart promiſeth that I will this do as long as I live. Now I ſee I did great folly, for now I hear that God ſaith Work; and now I fear becauſe God hath afflicted me, in taking away my brother a Ruler: now I am troubled, I fear I ſinned in not beleeving our Ruler, becauſe now God hath taken him away; he taught me good words, but I beleeved them not, and now I repent becauſe Chriſt calleth me to it: great is the puniſhment of God in taking away our Ruler; and now I pray, and ſay to Chriſt, Oh Jeſus Chriſt Chriſt I have ſinned: I beleeve that if I repent and be humbled, and pray not only outwardly but inwardly, and beleeve in Chriſt, then God will pardon all my ſin; but I cannot get pardon of ſin, I cannot deſerve pardon, but only Chriſt hath merited pardon for us: I cannot deliver my ſelf from all my ſins, but Chriſt redeemeth, and delivereth from all ſin: I deſerve not one mercy of God, but Chriſt hath merited all mercies for us.
The next are the Confeſſions of Robin Speene, who three ſeveral times came forth, and confeſſed as followeth. His firſt Confeſſion:
I Was aſhamed becauſe you taught to pray to God, and I did not take it up; I ſee God is angry with me for all my ſins, and he hath afflicted me by the death of three of my children, and I fear God is ſtill angry, becauſe great are my ſins, and I fear leſt my children be not gone to Heaven, becauſe I am a great ſinner, yet one of my children prayed to God before it died, and therefore my heart rejoyceth in that. I remember my Panwaning [for he was a Panwan] my luſt, my gaming, and all my ſins; I know them by the Commandements of God, and God heareth and ſeeth them all; I cannot deliver my ſelf from ſin, therefore I do need Chriſt, becauſe of all my ſins, I deſire pardon, and I beleeve that God calls all to come to Chriſt, and that he delivereth us from ſin.
Robin Speen, His Second Confeſſion.
I Have found out one word more: great are my ſins, and I do not know how to repent, nor do I know the evil of my ſins; only this one word, now I confeſs I want Chriſt, this day I want him; I do not truly beleeve nor repent: I ſee my ſin, and I need Chriſt, but I deſire now to be redeemed: and I now ask you this Queſtion, What is Redemption? I anſwered him, by ſhewing him our eſtate by Nature, and deſert, the price which Chriſt paid for us, and how it is to be applied to every particular perſon; which done, he proceeded in his Confeſſion thus: I yet cannot tell whether God hath pardoned my ſins, I forget the Word of God; but this I deſire, that my ſins may de pardoned, but my heart is fooliſh, and a great part of the Word ſtayeth not in my heart ſtrongly. I deſire to caſt all my ſins out of my heart: but I remember my ſins, that I may get them pardoned, I think God doth not yet hear my prayers in this, becauſe I cannot keep the Word of God, only I deſire to hear the Word, and that God would hear me.
Robin Speen, His Third Confeſſion.
ONe word more I cal to mind, Great is my ſin! this ſaith my heart, I have found this ſin, when I firſt heard you teach, that all the world from the riſing to the ſitting Sun ſhould pray to God, I then wondered a… it, and thought, I being a great ſinner, how ſhal I pray to God; and when I ſaw many come to the Meeting, I wondred at it: But now I do not wonder at that work of God, and therefore I think that I do now greatly ſin: and now I deſire again to wonder at Gods Works, and I desire to rejoyce in Gods good waies. Now I am much aſhamed, and fear becauſe I have deſerved eternal wrath by my ſins: my heart is evil, my heart doth contrary to God: and this I desire, that I may be redeemed, for I cannot help my ſelf, but only Jeſus Chriſt hath done al this for me, and I deſerve no good, but I beleeve Chriſt hath deſerved all for us; and I give my ſelf unto Chriſt, that he may ſave me, becauſe he knoweth eternal life, and can give it; I cannot give it to my ſelf, therefore I need Jeſus Chriſt, my heart is full of evil thoughts; and Chriſt only can keep my ſoul from them, becauſe he hath paid for my deliverance from them.
The next are the Confeſſions of Niſhohkou; who twice made preparitory Confeſſions; the firſt of which only, was read before the Elders.
GOD in Heaven is merciful, and I am ſinful: when I firſt heard the Word of God, I neither ſaw nor underſtood; but after, when you taught theſe words, Be wiſe, Oh all ye people, and beleeve in Jeſus Chriſt, then I prayed unto God; yet afterwards I sinned, and almoſt forſook praying to God. Afterward I underſtood, That God who made all the World was merciful to sinners: and truly I ſaw my heart very sinful, becauſe I promiſed God to pray as long as I live, but my heart hath not ſo done. Again I promiſed God I will follow Chriſt in al things, and now I find my heart backward, and not ſo forward to make a Church. God promiſeth, If fooliſh ones pray to God for Wiſdom he will give it: this Promiſe I beleeve, but I find my heart full of temptations; but now I promiſe God, as in the Pſalm, *Pſalm, 101. 2.All my works ſhal be done in wiſdom, for I confeſs al my works and words, have been fooliſh. God is wiſe and good, but I am fooliſh. God who hath made the World, ſent his own Son Jeſus: and Jeſus Chriſt hath died for us, and deſerved for us, pardon and life, this is true; and he hath done for me all Gods Commandements, for I can do nothing, becauſe I am very sinful. God in Heaven is very merciful, and therfore hath called me to pray unto God. God hath promiſed to pardon al their sins, who pray unto God, and beleeve in the Promiſe of Chriſt, and Chriſt can give me to beleeve in him.
When he had made this Confeſſion, he was much abaſhed, for he is a baſhful man; many things he ſpoke that I miſſed, for want of through underſtanding ſome words and ſentences: therfore before the Faſt day he made another Confeſſion, which was not read before the Elders; which was as followeth.