Tears of Repentance, Preparatory confession 14 – Closing thoughts
Another who made his Confeſsion is named Antony, upon whom the Lord was pleaſed the laſt Winter to lay an heavy ſtroke; for he and another Indian being at work ſawing of Board, and finiſhing the Peece, they laid it ſo ſhort, and the Rowl not ſo ſtedfaſt, inſomuch that this man being in the Pit directing to lay the Piece, and the other above ordering thereof, it ſlipped down into the Pit upon this mans head, brake his neather Chap in two, and cracked his Skull, inſomuch that he was taken up half dead, and almoſt ſtrangled with blood; and being the laſt day of the week at night I had no word until the Sabbath day, then I preſently ſent a Chyrurgion, who took a diſcreet order with him; and God ſo bleſſed his indeavors, as that he is now well again, bleſſed be the Lord: and whereas I did fear that ſuch a blow in their Labor might diſcourage them from Labor, I have found it by Gods bleſsing otherwiſe; yea, this man hath performed a great part of the ſawing of our Meeting-Houſe, and is now fawing upon the School-houſe, and his recovery is an eſtabliſhment of them to go on; yea, and God bleſſed this blow, to help on the Work of Grace in his ſoul; as you ſhall ſee in his Confeſsion, which followeth.
BEfore I prayed to God I alwaies committed ſin, but I do not know all my ſins, I know but a little of the ſins I have committed, therefore I thought I could not pray to God, becauſe I knew not al my ſins before I prayed to God, and ſince I heard of praying to God: formerly when the Engliſh did bid me pray unto God I hated it, and would go out of their houſes, when they ſpake of ſuch things to me. I had no delight to hear any thing of Gods Word, but in every thing I ſinned; in my ſpeeches I ſinned, and every day I broke the Commands of God. After I heard of praying to God, that Waban and my two brothers prayed to God, yet then I deſired it not, but did think of running away; yet I feared if I did run away ſome wicked men would kill me, but I did not fear God. After when you ſaid unto me, pray, my heart thought, I will pray; yet again I thought, I cannot pray with my heart, and no matter for praying with words only: but when I did pray, I ſaw more of my ſins; yet I did but only ſee them, I could not be aware of them, but ſtill I did commit them: and after I prayed to God, I was ſtill full of luſt, and then a little I feared. Sometimes I was ſick, and then I thought God was angry, and then I ſaw that I did commit all ſins: then one of my brothers died, and then my heart was broken, and after him another friend, and again my heart was broken: and yet after all this I broke my praying to God, and put away God, and then I thought I ſhall never pray to God: but after this I was afraid of the Lord, becauſe I alwaies broke my praying to God, and then my heart ſaid, God doth nor hear my prayer. When I was ſick, and recovered again, I thought then that God was merciful unto me. Hearing that word of God, If you hear the Word of God, and be forgetful hearers, you ſin againſt God; then I thought God will not pardon ſuch a ſinner as I, who dayly did ſo, and broke my praying to God. When I heard the Commandements, I deſired to learn them, and other points of Catechiſm, but my desires were but ſmall, and I ſoon loſt it, becauſe I did not desire to beleeve: then ſometimes I feared Gods anger becauſe of al my sins; I heard the Word and underſtood only this word, All you that hear this day, it may be you ſhall quickly die, and then I quickly ſaw that God was very angry with me. Then God brake my head, and by that I ſaw Gods anger; and then I thought that the true God in Heaven is angry with me for my sin, even for al my sins, which every day I live, I do. When I was almoſt dead, ſome body bid me now beleeve, becauſe it may be I ſhal quickly die, and I thought I did beleeve, but I did not know right beleeving in Chriſt: then I prayed unto God to reſtore my health. Then I beleeved that word, That we muſt ſhortly appear before Jeſus Chriſt; then I did greatly fear leſt if I beleeved not, I ſhould periſh for ever. When I was neer death, I prayed unto God, Oh Lord give me life, and I will pray to God ſo long as I live, and I ſaid, I will give my ſelf, ſoul, and body to Chriſt: after this, God gave me health, and then I thought, truly, God in Heaven is merciful; then I much grieved, that I knew ſo little of Gods Word. And now ſometimes I am angry, and then I fear becauſe I know God ſeeth it: and I fear, becauſe I promiſed God when I was almoſt dead, that if he giveth me life, I will pray ſo long as I live; I fear leſt I ſhould break this promiſe to God. Now I deſire the pardon of all my ſins, and I beg faith in Chriſt, and I deſire to live unto God, ſo long as I live; I cannot my ſelf get pardon, but I dayly commit ſin, and break Gods Word, but I look to Chriſt for pardon.
Another who made His Confeſſion is named Owuſſumag; which is as followeth:
WHen I firſt heard that Waban prayed to God, and after that many more prayed. I firſt feared praying to God, and inſtruction, and I hated inſtruction by the Word of God, and alwaies I laughed at them who prayed to God; and I alwaies thought I will yet more commit ſin: and I went into the Country, and there I acted much luſt, adultry, and the like, and all my Neighbors, we did together ſeek after wickedneſs, and every day I was proud, and of high or open eyes. When ſome of my neighbors began to pray, I went away into the Country, but I could find no place where I was beloved. Then I heard, That when beleevers die, they go to Heaven, when sinners die they go to Hel; and my heart considered, What good will it be if my ſoul go to Heaven? But two years ago, I began to think, I had ſinned againſt God; and then ſomtimes I feared, yet again ſinned; but my fear was of man, not of God: Then ever my heart ſaid I ſhould be better, if I would pray to God, and ſomtimes I beleeved that which I was taught, yet again, laſt year, I ſought to go away afar off, but I could think of no place, but I ſhould be in danger to be killed. Then again I much remembred my ſins: and again I thought, What will become of me, if I die in my ſins? and then I thought it was good for me to pray unto God ſo long as I live; and then my heart turned to praying unto God, and I did pray, and my heart feared when I heard the word read and taught, and I was glad to hear the Word of God; and then I purpoſed to pray as long as I live. Sometime I did dayly ſee my ſins, and fear, for I cannot get pardon, only in Jeſus Chriſt. Then I heard that word, I thank thee oh Heavenly father, that thou haſt revealed theſe things to babes; and that word, that we muſt forgive each other: then I ſaw that I beleeved not one word from Chriſt, not any word of God; and dayly my heart wept, that Chriſt might pardon all my ſins againſt God and Chriſt: and now unto this day my heart ſaith▪ I desire the good waies of praying to God, but I cannot know them of my ſelf, but Jeſus Chriſt muſt teach me them. When I heard, That only Chriſt muſt teach me them. When I heard, That only Chriſt muſt pardon our ſins, and that for Chriſt God will pardon our ſins, this day I rejoyce to hear that word of God, and all that Chriſt hath taught me: and now I purpoſe, That while I live, I will pray unto God, and Jeſus Chriſt only: and this day I ſee I cannot know how to find good thoughts; but this day I deſire pardon for all my ſins, and to caſt them away.
Another who made Confeſſion, is named Ephraim, his Indian Name I have forgotten. It is as followeth:
ALL the daies I have lived, I have been in a poor fooliſh condition, I cannot tell all my ſins, all my great ſins, I do not ſee them. When I firſt heard of praying to God, I could not ſleep quietly, I was ſo troubled, ever I thought I would forſake the place becauſe of praying to God, my life hath been like as if I had been a mad man. Laſt yeer I thought I would leave all my ſins, yet I ſee I do not leave off ſinning to this day; I now think I ſhall never be able to forſake my ſins. I think ſometimes the Word of God is falſe, yet I ſee there is no giving over that I might follow ſin, I muſt pray to God; I do not truly in my heart repent, and I think that God wil not forgive me my ſins; every day my heart ſinneth, and how will Chriſt forgive ſuch an one? I pray but outwardly with my mouth, not with my heart; I cannot of my ſelf obtain pardon of my ſins▪ I cannot tell all the ſins that I have done if I ſhould tell you an whol day together: I do every morning deſire that my ſins may be pardoned by Jeſus Chriſt; this my heart ſaith, but yet I fear I cannot forſake my ſins, becauſe I cannot ſee all my ſins: I hear, That if we repent and beleeve in Chriſt, all our ſins ſhall be pardoned, therefore I deſire to leave off my ſins.
This poor Publican was the l…ſt which made his Confeſſion before I read them unto the Elders, and the laſt of them I ſhall now publiſh. I will ſhut up theſe Confeſſions with the Confeſſion (if I may ſo call it) or rather with the Expreſſion, and manifeſtation of ſaith, by two little Infants, of two yeers old, and upward, under three yeers of age when the died and departed out of this world.
The Story is this,
THis Spring, in the beginning of the yeer, 1652. the Lord was pleaſed to afflict ſundry of our praying Indians with that grievous diſeaſe of the Bloody-Flux, whereof ſome with great torments in their bowels died; among which were two little Children of the age above-ſaid, and at that time both in one houſe, being together taken with that diſeaſe. The firſt of theſe Children in the extremities of its torments, lay crying to God in theſe words, God and Jeſus Chriſt, God and Jeſus Chriſt help me; and when they gave it any thing to eat, it would greedily take it (as it is uſual at the approach of death) but firſt it would cry to God, Oh God and Jeſus Chriſt, bleſs it, and then it would take it: and in this manner it lay calling upon God and Jeſus Chriſt untill it died: The mother of this Child alſo died of that diſeaſe, at that time. The Father of the Child told me this ſtory, with great wonderment at the grace of God, in teaching his Child ſo to call upon God. The name of the Father is Niſhohkou, whoſe Confeſſion you have before.
Three or four daies after, another Child in the ſame houſe, ſick of the ſame diſeaſe, was (by a divine hand doubtleſs) ſenſible of the approach of death, (an unuſual thing at that age) and called to its Father, and ſaid, Father, I am going to God, ſeveral times repeating it, I am going to God▪ The mother (as other mothers uſe to do) had made for the Child a little Baſket, a little Spoon, and a little Tray: theſe things the child was wont to be greatly delighted withal (as all children will) therefore in the extremity of the torments, they ſet thoſe things before it, a little to divert the mind, and cheer the ſpirit: but now, the child takes the Basket, and puts it away, and ſaid, I will leave my Basket behind me, for I am going to God, I will leave my Spoon and Tray behind me (putting them away) for I am going to God: and with theſe kind of expreſſions, the ſame night, finiſhed its courſe, and died.
The Father of this child is named Robin Speen, whoſe Confeſſions you have before, and in one of them he maketh mention of this child that died in faith. When he related this ſtory to me, he ſaid, He could not tell whether the ſorrow for the death of his child, or the joy for its faith were greater, when it died.
Theſe Examples are a teſtimony, That they teach their children the knowledg and fear of God, whom they now call upon; and alſo that the Spirit of God co-worketh with their inſtructions, who teacheth by man, more than man is able to do.
I have now finiſhed all that I purpoſe to publiſh at this time; the Lord give them Acceptance in the hearts of his Saints, to engage them the more to pray for them; and Oh! that their judgings of themſelves, and breathings after Chriſt, might move others (that have more means than they have, but as yet regard it not) to do the like, and much more abundantly.
FINIS.
End of the text · John Eliot, Tears of Repentance (1653)