Of Domestical Duties, Treatise 4 · Section 60 – Section 73
§. 60. Of neglecting to maintaine their wiues.
Contrary is a diſſolute careleſneſſe of husbands, who care no more to helpe and ſuccour their wiues then any other.
1. Some more feare to offend their wiues then they care to doe Contrary, Diſſolute careleſneſſe. 1. In ſuffering ſeducers to come to the houſe.them good, and in that reſpect they let any ſort of people come to their wiues that are welcome to them. If Magiſtrates in a Common-wealth ſhall anſwer for ſuffering ſeducers to come into their dominions to deceiue their people, much more ſhall husbands anſwer for ſuffering them to come and deceiue their wiues.
1. Becauſe they hauehave a greater charge ouer their wiues then Magiſtrates ouer their people.
2. Becauſe wiues ought to be dearer to husbands then people to Magiſtrates.
3. Becauſe they may ſooner eſpie them in their houſe, then Magiſtrates in the Common-wealth.
4. Becauſe they may be much more eaſily kept out of an houſe, then out of a Common-wealth, or a Citie.
2. Others care not whither their wiues wander: and if they 2. In ſufferingdoe goe out of their houſe, they ſhall neuer be ſought after by their wiues to goe whither they liſt.husbands: though this may be a iuſt puniſhment on wandring wiues, yet is it not iuſt for husbands ſo to deale with them. If Chriſt our husband ſhould ſo deale with vsus, we ſhould ſoone be loſt: for wee oft goe aſtray like wandring ſheepe, but hee is that good ſhepherd, who ſeeketh after the loſt ſheepe vntill he Luke 15. 4.finde it.
3. No maruell then that many husbands are no more affected 3. In not regarding ill reports of wiues.with the ill reports and rumors raiſed againſt their wiues, when they ſo little regard who come to them, or whither they goe. Aſſuredly the diſcredit of a wife will turne to the mans diſhonour: for as a vertuous wife is a crowne to her husband, ſo by the Pro. 12. 4.rule of contraries, an infamous wife is a ſhame to her husband. If therefore not for his wiues ſake, yet for his owne ſake a man ought not too careleſly paſſe ouer the ill reports which are raiſed againſt his wife.
4. There be ſuch vnkinde husbands as are moued with no ill 4. In ſuffering wiues to be miſuſed.vſage done vntounto their wiues, nor will heare any complaint that they make vntounto them: yea if they ſee them miſuſed, they will either not ſeeme to ſee it, or but ſmile at it, and ſo goe their way, and ſuffer their wiues to right themſelues as well as they can. As this beſeemeth not any Chriſtian to ſuffer his neighbour to be wronged, (for it is noted as a commendable matter in Moſes, that Exod. 2. 13.when he ſaw two Hebrewes ſtriuing together, he tooke his part that had wrong done to him, and reproued the other) ſo much …eſſe an husband, to whoſe ſafe-guard his wife is committed. Nature teacheth vsus that the head is as much affected with a wrong …one to the bodie, as to it ſelfe: ſo ought an husband.5. In boulſtring vp children or ſeruants againſt wiues.
5. As the wrong which is done by thoſe who are in ſubiection …n the houſe vnderunder the wife, is greater then that which is done by …trangers: ſo is the husbands fault the greater in ſuffering it: for …e hath more power ouer them in his houſe, then ouer others. Si illam quae ſecundum poſt te locum obtinet contumelia afficis, non parum tui principatus honori derogas. Chryſ. loc. cit.What then may we thinke of ſuch, as either by their conniuence, …r by taking part againſt their wiues, ſuffer both children and ſer…ants to inſult ouer them? Aſſuredly thoſe husbands themſelues will finde ſome ſmacke of the bitter and euill fruit thereof: …d that not only by that great diſcontent which their wiues muſt …eeds take thereat; but alſo by that contempt which will follow on their owne perſons, both by their wiues (who cannot thinke them meet heads to gouerne others) but alſo by their children and ſeruants, who thereby will take occaſion to waxe proud, and preſumptuous againſt him. By deſpiſing the weaker, men grow by little and little to deſpiſe the ſtronger. This men of wiſdome and experience well know: whereupon in Common-wealths and Policies gouerned by wiſe men, the authoritie of inferiour Magiſtrates is vpheld and maintained: ſuperiour Magiſtrates will not ſuffer them who are in authoritie vnderunder them to be deſpiſed: for it is well knowne, that it tends not to the honour and eaſe only, but to the ſafetie alſo of the ſupreme Magiſtrate, to hauehave the power and authoritie of inferiour Magiſtrates reſpected, and not trampled vnderunder feet. It argueth therefore both want of affection, and of diſcretion and vnderſtanding in husbands, to ſuffer childe, ſeruant, or any other in the houſe, to inſult ouer their wiues, who are ioynt gouernours with them ouer the houſe.
§. 61. Of an husbands firſt beginning to louelove his wife.
The generall matter together with the particular kindes of husbands duties being thus farre handled, The manner alſo of performing them is to be deliuered.
| To inſtruct an husband in the manner of performing his duties to his wife, the Apoſtle laieth downe two patternes, | 1. Chriſt, verſ. 25. |
| 2. Our ſelues, verſ. 28. |
As Chriſt loueth his Church, and as we louelove our ſelues, ſo muſt men louelove their wiues.
That we may the better follow theſe patternes, we muſt diſtinctly note how Chriſt loueth his Church, and how we The manner of an husbands louelove ſet forth by Chriſts manner of louing his Church in ſix branches. 1. Chriſt firſt loueth the Church.louelove our ſelues.
The louelove of Chriſt to his Church is commended vntounto vsus in ſix ſeuerall points: which are
| 1. The order | 4. The qualitie | thereof. |
| 2. The truth | 5. The quantitie | |
| 3. The cauſe | 6. The continuance |
I. For the Order, Chriſt began to louelove his Church: he mafeſted his louelove to her before ſhe loued him: as the aire heated by the Sunne is hote, and a wall on which the Sun-beames ſmite, giueth a reflexion of heat backe againe: ſo the Church, as it were heated and warmed at heart by the ſence of Chriſts louelove, loued him, as the Apoſtle expreſly noteth, (We louelove him 1 Joh. 4. 19.becauſe he loued vsus firſt:) and the Church her ſelfe acknowledgeth ſaying, Becauſe of the ſauour of thy good ointments Cant. 1. 2.(wherewith we are reuiued, and cheered) the virgins louelove thee.
There is in vsus by nature no ſparke of louelove at all: if Chriſt Husbands muſt by their louelove prouoke their wiues to louelove. Pro. 2. 17. foreignby his louing of vsus firſt, did not inſtill louelove into vsus, we could no more louelove him then a liuing bird riſe out of a cold egge, if it were not kept warme by the dammes ſitting vponupon it.
Thus muſt an husband firſt begin to louelove his wife. His place of eminencie, and authority requireth, that he ſhould be to his wife, a guide, which title is expreſly giuen to him by the holy Sicaput eſt vir, praecedere debet in omnibus bonis factis vxorem ſuam, vt illa imitetur virum, & ſequatur caput ſuum. Aug. de decem chor. c. 3.Ghoſt, to teach him to goe before her, and by his example to inſtruct, and incite her to doe her dutie. What a ſhame would it be for a man who is the Image and glory of God, the head of his wife, in the ſame place to her that Chriſt is to his Church, to be prouoked by his wiues wiue-like carriage (ſhe being the weaker veſſell, vnderunder him, to learne of him) to louelove her? *Treat. 1. §. 10.Reaſons there be to ſtirre vp a wife to indeauour to preuent her husband in doing her dutie, which if ſhe doe, it is the greater glory to her; but this patterne of Chriſt ſhould ſtirre him much more to ſtriue to goe before her.
§. 62. Of husbands repaying vnkindneſſe for louelove.
Contrary, is their diſpoſition, who hauing louing and dutifull wiues, are notwithſtanding nothing moued to louelove them againe: but are as vnkinde and churliſh as if they had the moſt …eeuiſh, and peruerſe wiues that could be. But what ſhall we ſay of ſuch as louelove their wiues the leſſe, yea and hate them for their forwardneſſe to louelove, and (in teſtimony of true louelove) to performe all good dutie? What, but that they are very deuils …ncarnate? For it is the deuils property to ouercome good with cuill. Theſe make the doctrine of a wiues ſubiection to ſeeme harſh, and a carefull performance thereof, an heauy burden. Neuer ſhall they partake of Chriſts louelove, that in their place …ew themſelues ſo vnlike to Chriſt.
§. 63. Of the Treat. 3. §. 57. 2. Chriſt loueth in truth.truth of husbands louelove.
II. The truth of Chriſts louelove was manifeſted by the fruits thereof to his Church: He gaue himſelfe for it. It was therefore not in word only, no nor only in heart, but in deed alſo. Thus his louelove proued profitable, and beneficiall to his Church, which thereby was clenſed, and made a glorious Verſ. 26, 27.Church. Had he only borne a tender compaſſion and pittifull affection towards it, or laboured only with comfortable and ſweet words to vphold and ſuccour it, it had ſtill laine polluted with ſinne, in the power of the deuill, and vnderunder Gods wrath, and ſo receiued no profit and benefit at all.
So muſt husbands louelove their wiues in truth and in deed. Husbands muſt louelove in deed.*1 Ioh. 3. 18.Such a louelove is required of a man to his brother: much more therefore to his wife, who is not only a ſiſter (as *1 Cor. 9. 5.the Apoſtle expreſly ſtileth her) but neerer then ſiſter, mother, daughter, friend, or any other whatſoeuer. This therefore ſerueth to preſſe the practiſe of all the forenamed duties appertaining to an husband.
§. 64. Of husbands diſſimulation.
Contrary is their diſſimulation and hypocriſie, who make great ſhew of much louelove, and pretence of earneſt affection, vſing many outward complements, but faile when they come to the trueſt triall, the deed. Some like ſuters or wooers, will promiſe mountaines, but not performe moul-hills: others will coll and kiſſe their wiues much, but truſt them with nothing, nor prouide for them things requiſite: there be that will weepe much when their wiues are ſicke, yet not afford phyſicke and ſuch like things for their recouery: yea many will carrie a faire face all their life long towards their wiues, and at their death leaue them nothing to liue by.
Hence it is that many who by others are accounted to be very kinde husbands, are by their wiues found to be farre otherwiſe. If triall be made of husbands louelove by their practiſe and performance of the forenamed duties, it will be found that they for the moſt part come as farre ſhort in louelove, as wiues in ſubiection.
§. 65. Of the freeneſſe of husbands louelove.
III. The cauſe of Chriſts louelove, was his louelove, as Moſes noteth, 3. Chriſt loueth freely. Deut. 7. 7, 8.He ſet his louelove on you, becauſe he loued you. His louelove aroſe only, and wholly from himſelfe, and was eueryevery way free: as there was nothing in the Church, before Chriſt loued her to moue him to louelove her, ſo can there be nothing that he could hope for afterwards, but what himſelfe beſtowed. Indeed he delighteth in that righteouſneſſe wherewith, as with a glorious robe, ſhe is clothed; and with thoſe heauenly graces, wherewith as with pretious Iewels ſhe is decked: but that righteouſneſſe, and thoſe graces are his owne, and of his free gift, He preſents it to himſelfe a glorious Church.Eph. 5. 27. Husbands louelove muſt be free.
In imitation hereof husbands ſhould louelove their wiues, though there were nothing in wiues to moue them ſo to doe, but only that they are their wiues: yea though no future benefit could after be expected from them: true louelove hath reſpect to the obiect which is loued, and the good it may doe thereunto, rather then to the ſubiect which loueth, and the good that it may receiue. For louelove ſeeketh not her owne.1 Cor. 13. 5.
Chriſts louelove in this branch thereof ſhould further moue husbands to doe what lieth in their power, to make their wiues worthy of louelove: thus will it be in truth ſaid, that they dwell with their wiues according to knowledge: and thus will their 1 Pet. 3. 7.…oue appeare to be as Chriſts louelove, free.
§. 66. Of husbands louing for aduantage.
Contrary is their louelove which is only for their owne content …nd aduantage. Many can louelove no further then they may hauehave …ome bait to allure their affections, as beauty, wealth, honour, …r the like by-reſpects; or at leaſt hope of ſome inheritance or …ortion aboue that which they hauehave, or of ſome fauour that they …xpect from their wiues friends. This cannot be a true ſound …ue: ſuch a man may be thought to louelove his wiues beautie, …heritance, and friends rather then his wife. This louelove cannot laſt.
§. 67. Of the puritie of husbands louelove.
IIII. Chriſts louelove for the qualitie is an holy, pure, chaſte, 4. Chriſts louelove pure. Eph. 5. 26, 27.…ue: as he himſelfe is, ſo is his louelove, as is euident by the …fect thereof: for it moued him to ſanctifie and clenſe his Church, to make it a glorious Church without ſpot: he did therefore no way pollute or defile his Spouſe: and that his louelove might the better appeare to be chaſte louelove, caſt only vponupon one Spouſe and not many, he vnited all his Saints together by the 1 Cor. 12. 12, 13bond of his Spirit, and made them all one body.
Hereby husbands muſt learne ſo to be affected towards Husbands louelove muſt be chaſte. Heb. 13. 4.their wiues as may ſtand with holineſſe, and chaſtitie: though much louelove be required, yet it may not ouer-flowe thoſe banks. Mariage is honourable and a bed vndefiled. It muſt therefore be vſed as an vndefiled thing. This indeed appertaineth to the wife as well as to the husband. But becauſe he is the head, and guide of his wife, and ought to be as a patterne and preſident before her, as Chriſt is before him, therefore is it more ſpecially applied to him. The puritie of an husbands louelove here ſpoken of, hath a double vſe,
1. It reſtraineth an husbands louelove to his owne wife. There is a generall Chriſtian louelove whereby all occaſions of doing good are taken, with which an husband may, and ought to louelove others: and a particular matrimoniall louelove, whereby he is moued to preferre his wife before all, and to hauehave his heart ſet and fixed on her, and ſo proper and peculiar to her.
2. It orders and moderates his louelove, ſo as it turneth not into ſinfull luſt, whereby that eſtate, (which in it ſelfe by vertue of Gods ordinance, is holy) is polluted.
§. 68. Of husbands lightneſſe.
Contrary, is not only adulterie, whereof we hauehave ſpoken *Treat. 2. part. 2. §. 5, 8.before, but alſo wantonneſſe, lightneſſe, and vncleanneſſe with his wife. For many intemperate and vnchaſte husbands, giuing the raines to their headſtrong luſts, manifeſt as much vnſeemlineſſe and plaine filthineſſe in their words, geſtures, and actions (to ſay nothing of their thoughts which are not ſeene) to their wiues, as other doe to ſtrumpets and harlots which is a moſt ſhameleſſe thing, and I am euen aſhamed … mention: but becauſe it is mentioned, let ſuch know, th… they ſhall be accounted among ſuch whoremongers and adul… rers Heb. 13. 4.as God will iudge.
§. 69. Of husbands louing their wiues more then themſelues.
The quantity of Chriſts louelove cannot be expreſſed: for the 5 Chriſts louelove extended to the giuing of himſelfemeaſure of it was aboue meaſure. aEpheſ. 5 25.He gaue himſelfe for his Church, and in that reſpect he calleth himſelfe that bIohn. 10. 11.Good ſheepheard that gaue his life for his ſheepe. c& 15. 13.Greater louelove then this hath no man. What will not he doe for his ſpouſe, that gaue his life for her?
This may ſeeme to be too high a ſtraine, and pitch of louelove for an husband to attaine vntounto: a matter wherein he is to How huſbands muſt louelove their wiues more then themſelues. 1 Iohn. 3. 16.…eaue his patterne, and not to follow Chriſt: but yet S. Iohn addeth euen this extent to the louelove of our brethren: We ought ſaith he) to lay downe our liues for the brethren: therefore by …uſt conſequence for our wiues. But that this extent be not ſtretched too farre, and husbands caſt into a pit of needleſſe …erill, two cautions muſt be noted,
1. That there be an abſolute neceſſity, to bring vsus to this Cautions about an huſbands louing his wife more then himſelfe.…raite of parting with our life: which is, when the good we …ime at in the behalfe of our wiues cannot any other way be …ffected, but by venturing our life. There was no other way … redeeme the Church, but by the bloud of Chriſt.
2. That the good we intend in this caſe to our wiues be of …reater valew then our temporall life: as is the good of her …ule, the ſauing of it. Thus the Apoſtle ſaith, I will moſt gladly beſtowed for your ſoules. Which minde men muſt much more 2 Cor. 12. 15.…rie towards their wiues. It was for our ſaluation that Chriſt …ue himſelfe.
§. 70. Of husbands vnkindneſſe.
Contrary is their vnkindneſſe that preferre eueryevery trifle of …eir owne before the good of their wiues: their profit, their …eaſure, their promotion, cleane draw away their hearts and …fections from their wiues. If any extraordinary charge muſt … laid out, or pains taken for their wiues good, little louelove …ll then appeare: whereby it appeares that there was no true …d ſound louelove ſetled in their hearts towards their wiues. As …ld and other like mettals are tryed by the fire, ſo louelove by …ictions and croſſes.
§. 71. Of combats in pretence of wiues honour.
Contrary in another extreme is the ouer-bold and ouer-heady pretended manhood of ſuch husbands as vponupon eueryevery iealous ſurmize and ſleight report, are ready to make challenges of fight, and to enter into ſingle combats and duels, on pretence of maintaining their wiues honour. This being no warrantable courſe of righting a wrong, no honour can redound to the wife thereby, but much diſhonour and danger to the husband. If he preuaile ouer his aduerſarie and kill, he is made guilty of murther thereby, and ſo reproach and ſhame muſt needs come to himſelfe, wife, and whole family: if he be ouercome and ſlaine, ſhe may be reputed more guilty then ſhe was before. And oft it falleth out that God in iuſt iudgement giueth ouer the challenger into his aduerſaries hand, becauſe he hath vndertaken ſo indirect a courſe.
§. 72. Of husbands *Treat. 3. §. 6. 6 Chriſts louelove perpetuall.Conſtancy in louelove.
VI. The continuance of Chriſts louelove was without date: aIoh. 13. 1.Hauing loued his owne, he loued them vntounto the end. His louelove was conſtant (not by fits, now louing, then hating) and bHoſ. 2. 19.euerlaſting (neuer repenting thereof, neuer changing or altering his minde) no prouocations, no tranſgreſſions could euer make him forget to louelove, and ceaſe to doe that good which he intended for his Church: note what he ſaid to her euen when ſhe reuoulted from him, Thou haſt played the harlot with many Ier. 3. 1. 2 Sam. 7. 15.louers, yet returne againe to me: and againe, My mercy ſhall not depart away.
For his louelove reſteth not on the deſert of his Church, but on the vnchangeableneſſe of his owne will. As this manifeſted Chriſts louelove to be true ſound louelove, ſo it made it profitable and beneficiall to the Church, which, notwithſtanding her many frailties, by virtue hereof is glorified.
This laſt branch muſt be added to all the former branches Husbands muſt be conſtant in their louelove.of an husbands louelove, or elſe they will be all in vaine and to no purpoſe. This giueth the trueſt tryall of ſound louelove. Such was the louelove betwixt Dauid and Ionathan: the ſoundeſt louelove that euer was, betwixt partie and partie. This bringeth the greateſt glory to the partie which loueth: and the greateſt benefit to the partie which is loued. That a mans louelove may thus remaine firme and inuiolable,
1. He muſt be ſure to lay a good foundation; he muſt ground his louelove on Gods ordinance: and louelove his wife in regard of the matrimoniall bond which knitteth them together, and that neere vnion which thence ariſeth; and ſo it will laſt ſo long as that knot laſteth.
2. He muſt further ſupport and ſtrengthen it with an inuiolable reſolution to be changed and altered with no prouocation, but rather to paſſe by all infirmities; indeauouring in louelove to redreſſe them if poſſibly he can: if not, to beare with them.
§. 73. Of husbands variableneſſe.
Contrary is their variableneſſe, whoſe louelove is ready to turne as a weather cocke with eueryevery blaſt of a contrary winde: now …ender-hearted, then againe hard-hearted: now ſmiling, then …owring: now giuing this and that fauour, then denying eueryevery thing, euen ſuch things as are needfull.
Many whoſe louelove was as hot as fire while their wiues were …oung, or their friends liued, or while they pleaſed them, when …hoſe occaſions are taken away, proue in their louelove as cold …s ice.
Againe others by ſome continuance in doing good to their wiues, thinke it a burden: and waxing weary cleane leaue off …heir former good courſe; which plainly ſheweth that they ne…er truly and intirely loued their wiues.
By this patterne of Chriſt here propounded to husbands, …e hauehave on the one ſide a good direction to teach vsus how to …ue our wiues, as hath beene particularly declared; and on the …ther ſide, matter of humiliation, in that it ſheweth vsus how …re ſhort we come of our bounden duty. Howſoeuer, wiues …ay moſt complaine of their burden, becauſe it is a Subiection …hereunto by nature we are all loath to yeeld: yet I am ſure See Treat. 1. §. 10.…e heauieſt burden is laid vponupon the husbands ſhoulders: and …uch more eaſie it is to performe the part of a good wife, then a good husband.