An Experimental Index of the Heart 2, Section 29
Sect. XXIX.
As, O what a poor ſlave did I hold the man of a tender conſcience to be! yea, how did I applaud my ſelf for being zealleſſe, and fearleſſe; together with my great diſcretion, and moderation: when I ſaw this man vexed for his zeal, that other hated for his knowledg, a third perſecuted for the profeſſion of his Faith, &c. For (being like Cain, Iſhmael, Eliab; Michel, Pharaoh, and Feſtus) I thought their Religion Puritaniſme, their conſcience, of ſinne, hypocriſie; their profeſſion, diſſimulation; their prudence, policy; their faith and confidence, preſumption; their zeal of Gods glory, to be pride and malice; their obedience to Gods Laws, rebellion to Princes; their execution of justice, cruelty, &c. If they were any thing devout or forward to admoniſh others, that ſo they might pluck them out of the fire; I conceived them to be beſides themſelves: as our Saviour was thought to be by his Kinsfolk, and Saint Paul by Feſtus, Mark. 3.21. John 10.20. Acts 26.24. 1 Cor. 1.18. My religion was to oppoſe the power of Religion; and my knowledge of the truth, to know how to argue againſt the truth. … never affected Chriſts Ambaſſadours, that preached the glad tydings of ſalvation, but had a ſpleen againſt them; yea, I hated a Miniſter, for being a Miniſter; eſpecially, if a godly and zealous one, that ſpake home to my conſcience, and told me of my ſins; much more if he would not admit me to the Lords Table without trial and examination: yea, then like Ahab to Micah, I became his enemy, and hated him ever after; would impeach his credit, and detain from him his dues. And are not all theſe ſtrong evidences, that I loved and ſerved God, and my Redeemer as I ought? But to make it more manifeſt, what a rare Chriſtian I was:
I thought my ſelf a Believer; yea, I could boaſt of a ſtrong faith, when yet I fell ſhort of the very Devils in believing: for they believe the threats and judgments contained in the Word, and tremble thereat, James 2.19. Whereas I thought them but ſcar…crows to fright the ſimple withall: yea, I held Hell it ſelf but a fancy, not worth the fearing.
Becauſe I was not notoriouſly wicked, but had a form of godlineſſe, was civil, &c. I was able to delude my own ſoul, and put off all reproofs and threatenings; by comparing my ſelf with thoſe, that I preſumed were worſe than my ſelf: as, Drunkards, Adulterers, Blaſphemers, Oppreſſors, ſhedders of blood, and the like; counting none wicked but ſuch. Yea, looking upon theſe, I admired my own holineſs; and thought my moral honeſty, would be ſufficient to ſave me. Nor did I know wherein I had offended.
And whereas the Law is ſpiritual, and binds the heart from affecting, no leſſe than the hand from acting: I was ſo blind and ignorant, that I thought the Commandement was not broken, if the outward groſs ſin be …orborn. Whence theſe were my thoughts, I never brake the firſt Commandement, of having many gods: for I was no Papiſt, nor Idolater: nor the ſecond, for I worſhipped God aright: nor the third, for I had been no common ſwearer, only a few petty oaths: nor the fourth, for I had every Sabbath gone duly to Church: not the fifth, for I ever honoured my Parents, and have been a loyal ſubject: not the ſixth, ſeventh, eighth, ninth, or tenth, for I never committed murther, or adultery, never ſtale ought, never bare falſe witneſs; nor could I call to mind, that I had at any time coveted my neighbours wife, ſervant; eſtate, &c. And nothing more common with me, than to brag of good heart and meaning, of the ſtrength of my faith and hope, of my juſt and upright dealing, &c. And becauſe I abſtained from notorious ſins, I thought my ſelf an excellent Chriſtian; if God was not beholding to me for not wounding his name with oaths, for not drinking and playing out his Sabbaths, for not railing on his Miniſters, for not oppreſſing and perſecuting his poor Members, &c.