An Experimental Index of the Heart 2, Section 30 – Section 31
Sect. XXX.
And yet had it been ſo, as I imagined; admit I had never offended in the leaſt all my life; either in thought, word, or deed: yet this were but one half of what I owe to God; this were but to obſerve the negative part of his law; ſtill the affirmative part thereof I had been ſo far from performing, that I had not ſo much as thought of it. And to be juſt in the ſight of God, and graciouſly accepted of him, theſe two things are required: the ſatisfactory part to eſcape Hell, and the meritorious part to get Heaven. And the true method of grace is, Ceaſe to do evil, Learn to do well, Iſa. 1.16, 17. The Fig-tree was curſed, not for bearing evil fruit; but becauſe it bare no good. The evil ſervant was not bound hand and foot, and caſt into priſon, for waſting his Maſters goods; but for not gaining with them. And thoſe Reprobates at the laſt day, ſhall be bid depart into everlaſting fire; not for wronging or robbing of any, but for not giving, for not comforting Chriſts poor Members, Mat. 25. So that my caſe was moſt deſperate. For though, with that Phariſee, Luk. 18.11. I was apt to thank God, and brag; that I was juſt, and paid every man his due: yet I never thought of being holy, and of paying God his dues; as his due of believing, or repenting, of new obedience, his due of praying, hearing, conferring, meditating on his word and works, ſanct…ing his Sabbaths, and inſtructing my Children and Servants; teaching them to fear the Lord. His due of Love, Fear, Thankefulneſſe, Zeal for his Glory, charity and mercy to Christs poor Members, and the like.
I ſhould have ſerved God in ſpirit, and according to Christs Goſpel: as all that are wiſe hearted do live, and believe, and hear, and invocate, and hope, and fear, and love, and worſhip God in ſuch manner, as his word preſcribes. I ſhould have been effectually called, and become a new Creature by regeneration; being begotten and born anew, by the immortal ſeed of the Word. I ſhould have found an apparant change wrought in my judgment, affections, and actions, to what they were formerly. The Old man ſhould have changed with the New man, worldly wiſdome with Heavenly wiſdome, carnal love for ſpiritual love, ſervile fear for Chriſtian and filial fear, idle thoughts for holy thoughts, vain words for holy and wholeſome words, fleſhly works for works of righteouſneſſe: even hating what I formerly loved, and loving what I formerly hated.
But alas! I have heard the Goſpel day after day, and year after year: which is the ſtrong arm of the Lord, and the mighty power of God to ſalvation; That is quick, and powerfull, and ſharper than any two-edged-ſword; and yet ſtood it out and reſiſted, Inſtead of ſubmitting to Chriſts call; even refuſing the free offer of grace and ſalvation. I have heard the word faithfully and powerfully preached, for forty years: yet remain'd in my natural condition unregenerate: without which new birth, there is no being ſaved, as our Saviour affirms, Joh. 3.5. I had not troden one ſtep in the way to converſion: for the firſt part of converſion, is to love them that love God, 1 Joh. 3.10, 11, 14. I ſhould daily have grown in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jeſus Chriſt: but I was ſo far from growing in grace, that I had not one ſpark of grace or holineſſe; without which no man ſhall ſee the Lord, Heb. 12 14. I was all for obſerving the ſecond Table, without reſpect to the firſt: or all for outward conformity, not at all for ſpiritual and inward holineſſe of the heart.
Sect. XXXI.
Either what I did was not morally good for the matter, or not well done for the manner; nor to any right ends: as out of duty and thankfulneſſe to God, and my Redeemer; and out of love to my fellow members. Without which the moſt glorious performances, and rareſt virtues, are but ſhining ſins, or beautifull abominations. Gods Glory was not my principal end, nor to be ſaved my greateſt care.
I was a good, civil, moral, honeſt hypocrite, or Infidel: but none of theſe graces, grew in the Garden of my heart. I did not ſhine out as a light, by a holy converſation to glorifie God, and win others. Now only to refrain evil, except a man hates it alſo, and does the contrary good; is to be evil ſtill: becauſe honeſty without piety, is but a body without a ſoul.
All my Religion was either ſuperſtition, or formality, or hypocriſie. I had a form of godlineſſe, but denied the power thereof: I often drew near unto God with my mouth, and honoured him with my lips: but my heart was far from him, Iſa. 29.13. Mark. 7.2. to 14. Matth. 15.7. to 10. All which conſidered, viz. the means which God had afforded me, and the little uſe I had made thereof, left me in a far worſe condition, than the very heathen, that never heard of Chriſt. So that it was Gods unſpeakable mercy, that I am not at this preſent frying in Hell flames, never to be freed.
God hath ſent unto us all his Servants the Prophets, riſing up early, and they have been inſtant in Preaching the Goſpel, both in ſeaſon, and out of ſeaſon: but my carnal heart hath ever been flint unto God, wax to Satan: you ſhall dye, if you continue in the practice of ſin, I heard: but you ſhall not dye, as ſaith the Devil, I believed.