A Christian Library, Section 32 – Section 33
Sect. XXXII.
Besides all this, suppose I had none of these to answer for; neither sins of Commission, nor sins of Omission: yet Original sin were enough to damn me, no need of any more; and yet my actual transgressions have been such, and so many, and my ingratitude therein so great; that it might have sunk me down with shame, and left me hopelesse of ever obtaining pardon for them. As see but some small part of my monstrous, and devilish ingratitude to so good a God, so loving and mercifull a Saviour and Redeemer; that hath done, and suffer'd so much for me, even more than can either be expressed or conceived, by any heart were it as deep as the Sea!
Touching what God and Christ hath done for me, in the first place he gave me my self, and all the creatures to serve for my use; yea he created me after his own Image, in righteousnesse, and holinesse, and in perfect knowledg of the truth, with a power to stand, and for ever to continue in a most blessed, and happy condition. But this was nothing in comparison; for when I was in a sad condition, when I had forfeited all this and my self; … become his enemy, mortally hating him, and to my utmost fighting against him, and taking part with his only enemies sin and Satan; not having the least thought or desire of reconcilement, but a perverse and obstinate will, to resist all means tending thereunto: he did redeem me, not only without asking, but even against my will; so making of me his cursed enemy, a Servant, of a Servant a Son, of a Son an Heir, and Co-heir with Christ, Gal. 4.7. But how have I requited this so great, so superlative a mercy? All my recompence of Gods love unto me, hath been to do that which he hates, and to hate those whom he loves.
Christ the fountain of all good is my Lord, by a manifold right, and I his servant by all manner of obligations. First, He is my Lord by the right of Creation, as being his workmanship made by him. Secondly, By the right of Redemption, being his purchase bought by him. Thirdly, Of preservation, being kept, upheld, and maintained by him. Fourthly, His by Vocation, even of his family; having admitted me a member of his visible Church. Fifthly, His also (had it not been my own fault) by sanctication, whereby to possesse me. Lastly, He would have me of his Court by glorification, that he might crown me; so that I was every way his. God had raised me from a beggar to a great estate: but how did I requite him? I would not if possible, suffer a godly and conscientious Minister to be chosen, or to abide where I had to do; but to bring in one that would flatter sin, and flout holiness; discourage the godly, and incourage the wicked, I used both my own, and all my friends utmost ability. Much more might be mentioned, but I fear to be tedious.
Now argue with all the world, and they will conclude, that there is no vice like ingratitude. But I have been more ingratefull to God, than can be exprest by the best Oratour alive. It was horrible ingratitude in the Iews to scourge and crucifie Christ, who did them good every way; for he healed their diseases, fed their bodies, inlightened their minds, of God became man, and lived miserably amongst them many years, that he might save their souls: but they fell short of my ingratitude to God, in that most of them were not in the least convinc'd, that he was the Messias sent from God, and promised from the beginning. But I have not only denied this Lord that bought me, but I hated him; yea, most spitefully and maliciously sought on Satans, and sins side against him; and persecuted his children, and the truth with all my might: and all this against knowledge, and conscience, after some measure of illumination, which cannot be affirmed of the Iews. Yet miserable wretch that I was, if I could have given him my body and soul, they should have been saved by it, but he were never the better for them.
Sect. XXXIII.
Lastly, To tell you that which is more strange! Notwithstanding all this that hath been mentioned, and much more: Yet I thought my self a good Christian forsooth; yea, with that young man in the Gospel, I thought I had kept all the Commandements. Nor was I a whit troubled for sin, either original, or actual: but my conscience was at quiet, and I was at peace, neither … my self with that Pharisee. Luke 18.9, to 15. and say, I was not like other men: not once doubting of my salvation. I ever refused to do what my Maker commanded, and yet confidently hoped to escape what he threatned. Nor did I doubt of having Christ my Redeemer and Advocate in the next life, when I had been a bitter enemy to him and his members in this life. Here was blindnesse with a witnesse; as it is not to be believed how blind and blockish men are, that have only the flesh for their guide; especially if they have hardned their hearts, and seared their consciences with a customary sinning. As I could give you for instance, a large catalogue of rare examples, how sin hath besotted men: and what stark fools carnal men are in spirital things; be they never so wise for mundane knowledg. But least it should be taken for a digression or excursion, you shall have a list of them by themselves, the which I will add as an Appendix to this Discourse, or Dialogue. In the mean time I have given you a brief of my manifold provocations, and great ingratitude to my Maker and Redeemer (for otherwise I might be endlesse in the prosecution thereof.) It remains that I should in like manner lay open my original defilement; which is the fountain whence all the former (whether sins of commission, or sins of omission) do flow. But touching it be pleased to peruse that small Tract, intituled, A short and sure way to Grace and Salvation: Or, Three Fundamental Principles of Christian Religion, by R. Y. from page 4. to page 10.