A Christian Library, Section 29 – Section 31
Sect. XXIX.
As, O what a poor slave did I hold the man of a tender conscience to be … yea, how did I applaud my self for being zeallesse, and fearlesse; togethe… with my great discretion, and moderation: when I saw this man vexed for his zeal, that other hated for his knowledg, a third persecuted for the profession of his Faith, &c. For (being like Cain, Ishmael, Eliah, Mich…l, Pharaoh, and Festus) I thought their Religion Puritanisme, their conscienc… of sinne, hypocrisie; their profession, dissimulation; their prudence, … their faith and confidence, presumption; their zeal of Gods glory, to be pride and malice; their obedience to Gods Laws, rebellion to Princes; their execution of justice, cruelty, &c. If they were any thing devout or forward to admonish others, that so they might pluck them out of the fire; conceived them to be besides themselves: as our Saviour was thought to be by his Kinsfolk, and Saint Paul by Festus, Mark. 3.21. Iohn 10.20. Acts 26.24. 1 Cor. 1.18. My religion was to oppose the power of Religion; and my knowledge of the truth, to know how to argue against the truth. … never affected Christs Ambassadours, that preached the glad tydings of salvation, but had a spleen against them; yea, I hated a Minister, for being a Minister; especially, if a godly and zealous one, that spake home to my conscience, and told me of my sins; much more if he would not admit me to the Lords Table without trial and examination: yea, then like Ahab to Micah, I became his enemy, and hated him ever after; would impeach his credit, and detain from him his dues. And are not all these strong evidences, that I loved and served God, and my Redeemer as I ought? But to make it more manifest, what a rare Christian I was:
I thought my self a Believer; yea, I could boast of a strong faith, when yet I fell short of the very Devils in believing: for they believe the threats and judgments contained in the Word, and tremble thereat, Iames 2.19. Whereas I thought them but scar-crows to fright the simple withall: yea, I held Hell it self but a fancy, not worth the fearing.
Because I was not notoriously wicked, but had a form of godlinesse, was civil, &c. I was able to delude my own soul, and put off all reproofs and threatenings; by comparing my self with those, that I presumed were worse than my self: as, Drunkards, Adulterers, Blasphemers, Oppressors, shedders of blood, and the like; counting none wicked but such. Yea, looking upon these, I admired my own holiness; and thought my moral honesty, would be sufficient to save me. Nor did I know wherein I had offended.
And whereas the Law is spiritual, and binds the heart from affecting, no lesse than the hand from acting: I was so blind and ignorant, that I thought the Commandement was not broken, if the outward gross sin be …orborn. Whence these were my thoughts, I never brake the first Commandement, of having many gods: for I was no Papist, nor Idolater: nor the second, for I worshipped God aright: nor the third, for I had been no common swearer, only a few petty oaths: nor the fourth, for I had every Sabbath gone duly to Church: not the fifth, for I ever honoured my …arents, and have been a loyal subject: not the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, or tenth, for I never committed murther, or adultery, never stole ought, never bare false witness; nor could I call to mind, that I had at any time coveted my neighbours wife, servant, estate, &c. And nothing more common with me, than to brag of a good heart and meaning, of the strength of my faith and hope, of my just and upright dealing, &c. And because I abstained from notorious sins, I thought my self an excellent Christian; if God was not beholding to me for not wounding his name with oaths, for not drinking and playing out his Sabbaths, for not railing on his Ministers, for not oppressing and persecuting his poor Members, &c.
Sect. XXX.
And yet had it been so, as I imagined; admit I had never offended in the least all my life; either in thought, word, or deed: yet this were but one-half of what I owe to God; this were but to observe the negative part of his law, still the affirmative part thereof I had been so far from performing, that I had not so much as thought of it. And to be just in the sight of God, and graciously accepted of him, these two things are required: the satisfactory part to escape Hell, and the meritorious part to get Heaven. And the true method of grace is, Cease to do evil, Learn to do well, Isa. 1.16, 17. The Fig-tree was cursed, not for bearing evil fruit; but because it bare no good. The evil servant was not bound hand and foot, and cast into prison, for wasting his Masters goods; but for not gaining with them. And those Reprobates at the last day, shall be bid depart into everlasting fire; not for wronging or robbing of any, but for not giving, for not comforting Christs poor Members, Mat. 25. So that my case was most desperate. For though, with that Pharisee, Luk. 18.11. I was apt to thank God, and brag; that I was just, and paid every man his due: yet I never thought of being holy, and of paying God his dues; as his due of believing, or repenting, of new obedience, his due of praying, hearing, conferring, meditating on his word and works, sanctifying his Sabbaths, and instructing my Children and Servants; teaching them to fear the Lord. His due of Love, Fear, Thankefulnesse, Zeal for his Glory, charity and mercy to Christs poor Members, and the like.
I should have served God in spirit, and according to Christs Gospel: as all that are wise hearted do live, and believe, and hear, and invocate, and hope, and fear, and love, and worship God in such manner, as his word prescribes. I should have been effectually called, and become a new Creature by regeneration; being begotten and born anew, by the immortal seed of the Word. I should have found an apparant change wrought in my judgment, affections, and actions, to what they were formerly. The Old man should have changed with the New man, worldly wisdome with Heavenly wisdome, carnal love for spiritual love, servile fear for Christian and filial fear, idle thoughts for holy thoughts, vain words for holy and wholesome words, fleshly works for works of righteousnesse: even hating what I formerly loved, and loving what I formerly hated.
But alas! I have heard the Gospel day after day, and year after year: which is the strong arm of the Lord, and the mighty power of God to salvation; That is quick, and powerfull, and sharper than any two edged-sword; and yet stood it out and resisted, Instead of submitting to Christs call; even refusing the free offer of grace and salvation. I have heard the word faithfully and powerfully preached, for forty years: yet remain'd in my natural condition unregenerate: without which new birth, there is no being saved, as our Saviour affirms, Ioh. 3.5. I had not troden one step in the way to conversion: for the first part of conversion, is to love them that love God, 1 Joh. 3.10, 11, 14. I should daily have grown in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Iesus Christ: but I was so far from growing man shall see the Lord, Heb. 12 14. I was all for observing the second Table, without respect to the first: or all for outward conformity, not at all for spiritual and inward holinesse of the heart.
Sect. XXXI.
Either what I did was not morally good for the matter, or not well done for the manner; nor to any right ends: as out of duty and thankfulnesse to God, and my Redeemer; and out of love to my fellow members. Without which the most glorious performances, and rarest virtues, are but shining sins, or beautifull abominations. Gods Glory was not my principal end, nor to be saved my greatest care.
I was a good, civil, moral, honest hypocrite, or Infidel: but none of these graces, grew in the Garden of my heart. I did not shine out as a light, by a holy conversation to glorifie God, and win others. Now only to refrain evil, except a man hates it also, and does the contrary good; is to be evil still: because honesty without piety, is but a body without a soul.
All my Religion was either superstition, or formality, or hypocrisie. I had a form of godlinesse, but denied the power thereof: I often drew near unto God with my mouth, and honoured him with my lips: but my heart was far from him, Isa. 29.13. Mark. 7.2. to 14. Matth. 15.7. to 10. All which considered, viz. the means which God had afforded me, and the little use I had made thereof, left me in a far worse condition, than the very heathen, that never heard of Christ. So that it was Gods unspeakable mercy, that I am not at this present frying in Hell flames, never to be freed.
God hath sent unto us all his Servants the Prophets, rising up early, and they have been instant in Preaching the Gospel, both in season, and out of season: but my carnal heart hath ever been flint unto God, wax to Satan: you shall dye, if you continue in the practice of sin, I heard: but you shall not dye, as saith the Devil, I believed.