A Treatise of Family Instruction, Chapter 3 · Section 9
SECT. 9. How to keep up our Authority over our Children and Servants.
Direct. 9 IT will conduce much to the rendring of thoſe Inſtructions which you give your Families, more powerful and effectual, to keep up your Authority in your Families, and ſo to carry your ſelves that your Children and Servants may reverence and reſpect you. It is ſaid of Chriſt, Mat. 7.28, 29. The people were aſtoniſhed at his Doctrine, for he taught them as one having authority—And what followed hereupon? His word became very powerful, Luke 4.32. They were aſtoniſhed at his Doctrine, for his word was with power. When perſons reverence thoſe that teach them, it cauſeth their Doctrine to work the more effectually upon their hearts and lives, Mark 6.20. Herod feared John—and when he heard him he did many things, and heard him gladly.
If you ſay, What courſe ſhould we take that we may keep up our Authority, and be reverenced in our Families?
I anſwer:
Firſt, Be careful to honour God, to ſubmit and ſubject your ſelves unto him, and then he will cauſe your Families to honour you, and to ſubmit and ſubject themſelves to your Commands; It is God that inclines mens hearts to honour us, 1 Chron. 29.12. Both Riches and Honour come of thee: And when we are vilified, flighted, and diſregarded, this alſo is of God, Pſal. 44.13. Thou makeſt us a reproach to our Neighbours, a ſcorn and deriſion to them that are round about us: It is God that ſubdues the hearts of Children and Servants, and other inferiours, and makes them ſubject to their Superiours, Pſal. 18.47. It is God that avengeth me, and ſubdueth the people under me. And it is a Judgment which the Lord layeth upon us, when our Children or Servants carry themſelves proudly or diſobediently towards us: Iſa. 3.5. The Child ſhall behave himſelf proudly againſt the Ancient, and the Baſe againſt the Honourable. Now if we be careful to glorifie God, he will cauſe us to be honoured; if we ſlight or diſregard him, he will cauſe us to be deſpiſed: 1 Sam. 2.30. Them that honour me, I will honour; and they that deſpiſe me, ſhall be lightly eſteemed. If we ſubmit our ſelves to God, he will cauſe our Wives, and Children, and Servants to ſubmit themſelves unto us, James 4.7, 10. Submit your ſelves therefore to God,—Humble your ſelves in the ſight of the Lord, and he ſhall lift you up: By lifting up, is not only meant deliverance out of trouble, but it implieth alſo that God will cauſe thoſe that ſubmit themſelves to him to be honoured and reverenced, he will lift them up in the hearts and eſtimation of all ſorts of men, that they ſhall carry themſelves reſpectively towards them. But if we rebel againſt God, he will raiſe up evil againſt us out of our own Houſes, and cauſe ſome or other of our Families to carry themſelves rebelliouſly and contemptuouſly towards us. Thus when David had deſpiſed the Commandment of the Lord, God raiſed up evil againſt him out of his own Houſe, 2 Sam. 12.9, 11. Whilſt he walked in the ways of God, all ſorts of perſons, ſtrangers as well as his own people, were ſubject to him; Pſal. 18.43, 44. A people whom I have not known ſhall ſerve me; as ſoon as they hear of me, they ſhall obey me, the ſtrangers ſhall ſubmit themſelves unto me. But when he turned aſide from God, Sbimei one of his Servants curſeth him to his face, and his own Son Abſolom riſeth up in Rebellion againſt him.
Secondly, When your Children carry themſelves undutifully or irreverently towards you, or do any thing that is ſinful and diſpleaſing to God, reprove them, and if Reproofs do not make them amend, correct them: This will make them give you reverence: Heb. 12.9. We have had Fathers of our fleſh, which corrected us, and we gave them reverence, ſhall we not much rather be in ſubjection to the Father of Spirits and live?
Thirdly, Avoid frowardneſs, intemperance, and all other vices, and carry your Souls in a holy gracious and exemplary manner: for if you be addicted to any ſin, that will bring you under contempt, Prov. 14.34. Righteouſneſs exalteth a Nation, but ſin is a reproach to any people. Yea, even ſuch as have honoured you formerly, and had you in high eſteem, if they come to underſtand that you are tainted with any Vice, they will be ready to deſpiſe you: Lam. 1.8. Jeruſalem hath grievouſly finned, and therefore ſhe is removed: All that honoured her deſpiſe her, becauſe they have ſeen her nakedneſs. But by walking in an holy gracious exemplary manner, you ſhall be reverenced not only by ſuch as are gracious themſelves, but by thoſe that are deſtitute of the grace of God: Herod was not a good man himſelf, our Saviour calleth him a Fox, Luk. 13.23. becauſe he was a ſubtil and cruel Enemy to Jeſus Chriſt, and to the Chriſtian Religion, Luke 13.31, 32. Yet John the Baptiſt being an holy man, Herod reverenced him, Mark 6.20. Herod feared John, knowing that be was a juſt man, and holy, and obſerved him: Prov. 22.4. By humility and the fear of the Lord, are Riches, and Honour, and Life. And as an holy Converſation will procure Honour and Reſpect, ſo alſo it will preſerve the ſame; Prov. 11.16. A gracious woman retaineth honour.
Fourthly, Carry your ſelves wiſely and diſcreetly in the managing of your Family Affairs: for, A mans wiſdom maketh his face to ſhine, Eccleſ. 8.1. But fooliſh and indiſcreet carriage will cauſe us to be ſlighted and diſreſpected, Eccleſ. 10.1. Dead flies cauſe the Ointment of the Apothecary to ſend forth a ſtinking ſavour, ſo doth a little folly him that is in Reputation for Wiſdom and Honour.
Fifthly, Do not carry your ſelves lightly & vainly in your Families, but let your deportment be grave and ſerious, that will be a means to keep your Children and Servants in due ſubjection, 1 Tim. 3.4. One that ruleth well his own Houſe, having his Children in ſubjection with all gravity. He cannot rule his Houſe well, that doth not keep his Children in ſubjection, for if the Children be unruly, the Servants will be ſo too; and a man ſhall hardly keep his Children in ſubjection, if his carriage be not grave and ſerious.
Sixthly, Uſe not over-much familiarity or delicacy towards your Children and Servants, eſpecially when your Children are grown up to ſome maturity, for familiarity will be apt to breed contempt, and make Children and Servants to caſt off that awe and dread which they ought to bear towards their Parents and Maſters: Children are commanded not only to love, but to fear their Parents, Lev. 19.3. Ye ſhall fear every man his mother and his father: And Servants are commanded to fear their Maſters, Epheſ. 6.5. Servants be obedient to them that are your Maſters according to the fleſh, with fear and trembling, in ſingleneſs of your heart as unto Chriſt. Over-much familiarity will cauſe them to caſt off this fear: Solomon giveth us a caution againſt uſing too much delicacy towards our Servants, as that which will ſpoil them, and make them prove great Croſſes; Prov. 29.21. He that delicately bringeth up his Servant from a Child, ſhall have him become his Son at length. The vulgar Latin renders the words, Poſtea ſentiet eum contumacem; He ſhall find him to be ſtubborn and obſtinate. Pagnine renders the words, In noviſſimo crit ſuperbus perinde ac filius; He will become proud, and expect to be dealt with as if he were a Son, and not a Servant: When inſtead of that gravity and diſtance which ought to be in the carriage of Maſters and Parents, they will be ſo familiar as to play with their Servants and Children, this makes them to loſe their authority, according to the Proverb in uſe among the Arabians, Colluſio ſive jocus aufert reverentiam; Playing and Jeſting takes away a Mans Reverence: If we uſe to jeſt and ſport with our Servants or Children, we muſt expect no more Reverence from them. And therefore the Son of Syrach gives this Advice to Parents, Ecclus. 30.9, 10. Cocker thy Child, and he ſhall make thee afraid; play with him, and he will bring thee to heavineſs; laugh not with him, leſt thou have ſorrow with him, and leſt thou gnaſh thy teeth in the end. And Plato ſpeaking of our carriage towards our Servants, in his Dialogue de legibus, gives this prudent Advice, Neque jocus ullus, cum illis habeatur, quod multi ſtultè facientes, dum delicatius eos nutriunt, difficiliorem viam & ſibi ad imperandum, & illis ad obediendum reddunt. Do not uſe at any time to jeſt with your Servants, which thing many doing fooliſhly, do make it more difficult for themſelves to govern, and alſo more difficult for their Servants to obey, by their training them up delicately. Only here it will be needful to hint, that whilſt you labour to carry your ſelves with gravity, and to avoid too much familiarity, you had need be careful that you do not become moroſe or auſtere, but rather endeavour to expreſs much ſweetneſs and candor in your carriage towards your Children and Servants. There was laid up in the Ark Aarons Rod, and the Pot with Manna, and the Tables of the Covenant: Greg. mag. hath an obſervation hereupon to this effect, He that would govern well, muſt be furniſhed with the knowledge of the Scriptures, and muſt make uſe of the Rod of Correction, yet ſo, as there muſt be the ſweetneſs of Manna with it. We ſhould labour if it be poſſible to win our Children by love to obſerve the Commandments of God, but if they will not be drawn with Manna, then we muſt make uſe of Aron's Rod, and when we are neceſſitated to uſe ſeverity, it muſt be tempered with mercy.