Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 35 – Declaration 36
XXXV. Experiences of F. P.
I Have been troubled at the thoughts of my corruptions, and wretched condition. I have formerly had ſome doubtings touchings the Scriptures, whether they were truth or not, but have been ſince troubled, that I made thoſe fooliſh doubtings to queſtion Gods word, and was ſo wounded in my Conſcience for my ſin therein, that I feared I ſhould be damned for it, becauſe I thought it was a ſin that God would not pardon. I had alſo ſtrange thoughts about the ſinful wayes of ungodly people, and conſidering how looſely people live, I and temptations to perſwade me, that ſurely there was ſome eaſier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid down, or then I had learnt. But for theſe evil thoughts of mine, I have been ſo afflicted in my ſpirit that I thought I was a damned wretch. I have been tempted by theſe blaſphemous thoughts againſt the Lord, which have ſo afflicted me; that ſometimes I feared the Devil would fetch me away, and carry me to Hell; and I have thought ſometimes, that ſurely God could not in juſtice pardon ſuch ſinnes as I have committed. I have alſo been tempted to make away my ſelf, but the Lord God put me in mind to conſider, that it would not give me eaſe or comfort, but be the way to enter into endleſs miſeries.
And thus I lay afflicted with a moſt ſad & trouble ſome ſpirit for about a year, yet (though with little hope from my preſent ſence) I had deſires that God would ſave me, and ſome groanings I had after him. And in his time which is beſt, I began to find inlargement of heart from God, and a great longing for Chriſt, which encreaſed through the working of his glorious power, ſo that (me thought) I could have been content to have gone through all the miſeries in the World to have enjoyed him. And in my ſleep I dreamed that I ſaw my Saviour lying in a Grave, and after again, I ſaw him riſen from death; when I awaked, and had ſome thoughts about my dream, I found comfort in my ſoul, and begun more ſweetly to hope, that Chriſt Jeſus dyed for my ſins, and is riſen again for my juſtification? but the Devil who goes about like a roaring Lyon did ſtill tempt me, ſo that I was again ready to deſpair for my former evil thoughts, and I was afraid that Satan would have me; and I doubted that God had no part in me, which cauſed me to weep much, and I was exceedingly troubled, and ſometimes thought, that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me, and ſo terrified was my conſcience that from the thoughts of the wrath which I feared, I could have wiſhed my ſelf a Beaſt, a Dog, or any thing, becauſe their miſery would have an end.
But aftermany comfortable diſcourſes with friends, and reading ſome godly books that came to my hands, the Lord God in time delivered me from thoſe temptations, and hath ſince comforted me with theſe Promiſes, to the great joy of my heart, though ſome times I have not been without ſome doubtings. The Lord hath ſaid, Be content with ſuch things as ye have, for he hath ſaid, I will never leave thee nor forſake thee, ſo that I may boldly ſay, the Lord is my helper, Heb. 13.5,6. The Lord ſaith, ſin ſhall not have dominion over you, Rom. 6.14. This hath often given me much comfort, and kept up my ſoul when I have been ready to deſpair: And Chriſt ſaith, I will pray the Father, and he ſhall give you another comforter, that he may abide with you for ever, even the Spirit of truth, John 14.16,17.
And I have this teſtimony of my intereſt in Chriſt, by faith wrought by his bleſſed Spirit in me. 1 I ſee ſuch a frailty in my fleſh, that except the Lord ſend his holy Spirit to inable me, I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my ſelf; it is the Spirit of the Lord, and not any thing in me, that is the foundation of my comfort. 2. I have had many times (if my heart deceive me not) clear teſtimonies and evidences that I love God more than any thing elſe, and deſire him above all. 3. I deſire much to hear the Word, and am troubled that ſometimes it doth not ſo pierce into my heart, as I deſire. 4. I have ſometimes ſuch ſweet comforts and enlargements in my ſoul, that I find much peace with God thereby, which I prize above all things in the world. 5. I deſire to ſerve the Lord in all things and am troubled when any thing obſtructs thoſe deſires. 6. I hope for ſalvation and true bleſſedneſs from Jeſus Chriſt my Redeemer, and from him alone.
…. P.
XXXVI. Experiences of D. C.
I Have had great Conflicts of Soul for my ſins, and againſt ſin, and have ſhed many tears by night and by day; I have been much troubled at the conſideration of ſuch things, as have been at any time a clog to hinder me from enjoying ſpiritual Communion with God, which I have deſired. It is the greateſt grief I have ever had, that I have offended ſo good a God; and indeed my ſins have been a very great trouble to me, and eſpecially, in that God hath given me a meaſure of knowledge, and I have not walked up to it, to live according to the light I have received. But I have found comfort in God's Promiſes: Chriſt ſaith, All that the Father giveth me ſhall come to me, and him that cometh to me I will in no wiſe caſt out, John chap. 6. verſe 37. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye ſeparate, ſaith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you, and will be a Father unto you, and ye ſhall be my Sons and Daughters, ſaith the Lord Almighty. The Lord will receive us if we repent and believe; and Chriſt calls, Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt, Matth. 11.28. And as a teſtimony of my Regeneration, I have theſe Experiences, whereby to give account of the hope that is in me. 1. That all my deſires are chiefly to ſeek God in Chriſt. 2. I find much comfort in duties, to joyn in Ordinances, and to partake of the things of God. 3. I find my heart really at peace with all the World. 4. I believe that the Lord God is at peace with me, and will ſave me for ever through Jeſus Chriſt.
D. C.