Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 33 – Declaration 34
XXXIII. Experiences of M. H.
IN my youthful age it pleaſed God to give me an heart to take delight to hear the Word preached at many places, but eſpecially at St. Antholins at the morning Lectures, and this I did often for ſome time, untill Satan ſtirred up many Inſtruments to call me Puritan with many other reproachful tearms, that made me aſhamed to go in publick; but like Nicodemus by ſtealth, as it were, in the dark: But it pleaſed the Lord to convince me of Satans wiles, that he was a deceiver from the firſt, and that in hearing the word Preached, thoſe that would be Souldiers in Chriſts School, muſt not be daunted for every foyl; and If I did look for Salvation by Jeſus Chriſt, I muſt manfully fight under the Banner of Chriſt, and hold out to the end, if I would be ſaved. From the conſideration hereof, God was pleaſed to put courage into my heart, to hold on in the ways of God, and in profeſſing the Goſpel, which I did, though with abundance of weakneſs and difficulties; and thus I did continually go on though darkly, until it pleaſed God to break forth in his moſt glorious light; for by ſpecial providence I was brought to ſee an utter ruine to my Soul without a Chriſt; and tho' I had heard much of Chriſt by the outward ear, yet had I no experimental knowledge of him, till the word of Chriſt ſhewed me, that my condition was ſuch as Paul ſpeaks of to the Epheſians, that I was dead in treſpaſſes and ſins, and except. I was quickned by the Spirit, and by Faith did bath my Soul in the blood of Chriſt, I was an undone creature, notwithſtanding all my long hearing the word preached.
Having then weighed many circumſtances, and had conference with many of the people of God, both Preachers and others, I was very much ſtrengthened in faith, and had an aſſurance of the love of God in Chriſt Jeſus, whereby I did find much comfort to my Soul; and ſince hearing ſome able Miniſters of the Goſpel hold forth moſt precious truths, I found much comfort: And more particularly Mr. Bridges of Yarmouth, opening that comfortable Scripture, Pfal. 41.11. Why art thou caſt down O my Soul, why art thou diſquieted within me? truſt in God, &c. His Doctrine was, That a godly man had no juſt cauſe to be diſcouraged, whatſoever his condition was; either the ſence of ſin, or the temptations of Satan, or trouble, or afflictions: that a man had cauſe to be humbled for the leaſt ſin, but not to be diſcouraged at the greateſt, from truſting in God, but to rely upon the Lord by Faith in Chriſt, whatſoever his diſincouragements were; which hath ſince cauſed me to walk in a thankful poſture towards God for his unſpeakable mercy; and It is my great grief, that I can be no more thankful, ſeeing I have received ſo much mercy from God, whom I do daily offend; which hath made me with Paul to cry out, O wretched man that I am, who ſhall deliver me from this body of death! But that the next words produce comfort, bleſſed be God through Jeſus Chriſt.
Yet after this, it pleaſed God, to ſuffer me to fall into a ſinful condition, by being too confident in my own ſtrength, which fall coſt me abundance of tears, ſighs and ſobbings of heart, even as David ſaid, to the breaking and drying of my bones; It made me walk ſadly for many months together, & even to deſpair of any help. And ſeeing I had brought ſo much diſhenour to God, and ſcandal to the Goſpel, and reproach to the Profeſſors thereof, this did much preſs my ſoul; Conſidering what a Profeſſor, I was before, in ſtanding for the glory of God, and oppoſing all gainſayers, and for me to fall; Oh! this did make ſuch gaſhes in my ſoul, that the conſideration thereof, cauſed rue to walk ſadly, and ſorrowfully, and with ſo much ſhame that I could not indure to go in the ſtreets, But that urgent neceſſity forc'd me to go out for comfort.
Then it pleaſed God by ſpecial providence to eaſt me under Dr. Homes his Miniſtry, and he treated on that ſubject concerning backſliding, out of Jer. 14 v. 7. O Lord, though our iniquities teſtify against us, yet do thou it for thy name ſake, for our back ſlidings are many, &c. which Sermon was by the working of the Spirit of God effectual unto me, for I was almoſt under deſpair before, but the Lord was pleaſed to give me much comfort from this Doctrine That Saints may be guilty of many backſlidings yet they ſhould not deſpair, for that was a greater ſin. The Doctor made this Uſe, That if Saints might break their peace, wicked and unregenerate men might break their necks. A ſecond uſe was, that a Saint ſhould beware of backſliding, and make all ſpeed to go to Jeſus Chriſt for more ſtrength to keep and uphold him for the future This did give me ſome comfort, and cauſed me to ſet upon the work of ſeeking to Jeſus Chriſt more earneſtly, becauſe Chriſt told Paul, that his grace was ſufficient for him; I had reſted in that little muſtard-ſeed-faith I had before, but now it did begin to ſpring and bloſſom, to the praiſe and glory of Jeſus Chriſt, that he ſhould as it were ſnatch me as a Brand out of thoſe burnings of Hell, and eſtabliſh my poor ſoul by his free grace, to ſee all my iniquities laid to the charge of Chriſt, as Iſa. 53. v. 5. All we like ſheep have gone aſtray, we have turned every one to his own way, and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all. Which Scripture being opened by a worthymember of that Church Mr. F. it did much ſtrengthen my Faith in the Application, when I came to conſider, Firſt, That it was iniquity that the Lord Jehovah laid on Chriſt. Secondly, That it was my iniquity that was thus laid on him. Thirdly, that it was the Lord himſelf that did lay it on him. And Fourthly, That the Lord had done it already, it was not now to do. All theſe points did much comfort me, ſeeing they were back'd by Scripture, and ſuch a caution given by the Apoſtle Paul, Heb. 3.12. ſaying, Take heed leſt there be found in you an evil heart of unbelief, &c. Which is a great ſin and plague to any poor Soul, this wrought much with me but then applying ſeveral other Scriptures, to the everlaſting praiſe of Jehovah, and to Jeſus Chriſt my Saviour, this ſcripture was produced in Pſal. 68.16. compared with the Apoſtles words, ſpeaking of Chriſt, Tho… hast aſcended up on high, and led captivity captive, and received gifts for men, even rebellious ones; that the Lord God may dwell amongſt them. And that of Ezek. 16.7,8,9,10. A precious Scripture for troubled ſouls, to be meditated on for comfort: That a man being in his filth and guilt, and all over with blood, nay, when no eye would pity him, that then was a time of love to his ſoul; Oh! mercy and free grace indeed! The… again, conſidering The new Covenant, to open blind eyes, and to bring priſners out of priſon, to the glorious light and liberty of the ſons of God, and his proclamation, Iſa. 55. H…every one that thirſteth come: and in that of Joh. 6. v. 37. him that cometh to Chriſt, he hath promiſed in no wiſe to caſt out. Though thy ſins he as Crimſon and Searlet, yea, of ſuch a deep dye as that with Paul, I may ſay, to be chief of ſinners, yet it pleaſed God to give me in refreſhment from he ſame Scripture.
About two years ſince, Providence caſt my Lot at Weſtminſter, where I heard Mr. W. and having obſerved many honeſt people, at hearing of the Word, I then ſought to the Lord by earneſt prayer, ſo to direct me by his bleſſed Spirit, that my only aims might be for his glory, the good of others, and with comfort to my own ſoul: It pleaſed the Lord to direct my heart (notwithſtanding all oppoſition of Satan, and the perſuaſion of ſome others) to reſolve and to break through all oppoſition and difficulties and to joyn in the worſhip of the Lord God of our Fathers, and ſo walk in his ways, according to the ſtricteſt rule of the Goſpel of Jeſus Chriſt held forth in his Word.
M. H.
XXXIV. EXPERIENCES of L. P.
ABout twenty years ſince I being then with Child, was much troubled at ſome thoughts, which God put into my mind, touching my converſation; which lay ſo fore and heavy upon me, that I could not tell what to do; Becauſe I ſaw, though I endeavoured as much as I could, to do my duty to my God. yet I was not able to live as I ſhould; and then I began to know what the worm of conſcience meant, I feeling what until then I was ignorant of: and the blackneſs of my ſpirit was ſuch, with the burden of my troubled and afflicted ſoul, that I could not at that time take comfort in any thing, and had I not been with child, & affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb, I had been in danger (had not God prevented me) to have deſtroyed my ſelf, for I had ſome temptations that way; but my God ſtrengthened me: yet before I was brought to bed, I found peace and comfort, and through grace had ſuch ſettlement in my ſpirit, that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly: but before I attained to this, I had many ſore conflicts; until after ſome conſiderations that the Lord had put into my mind; as firſt, touching the child that I went with. becauſe God hath ſaid, The juſt and innocent ſlay thou not; and then conſidering the innocency of the child, it became a means to ſtay my hand from laying violence upon my ſelf.
Yet for a time I was much troubled in ſpirit, till God gave me peace from theſe, and other Scripture… promiſes, where the Lord ſaith, Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee, & thou ſhalt glorify me, Pſal. 50.15. Sin ſhall not have dominion over you, for ye are no… under the Law, but under grace, Rom. 6.14. Now the teſtimonies of my converſion, and true believing, in which I hope I have a ſeal of my Intereſt in the Lord Ieſus are theſe: 1. My love to God, which is real, ſincere, and hearty, deſiring him above any thing elſe whatſoever 2. My relying upon Jeſus Chriſt, having nothing of my own to reſt upon, I fly to him, and reſt o… him for all, as my alone Saviour and Redeemer 3. I delight to read the holy Word of God, and to hear, or other wiſe to partake thereof, in which I find much comfort. 4. The comfort which I find by inlargement of my ſoul, when God comes in under the means in dutys, and the loathneſſe I have to be deprived of the Ordinances. 5. The Peace I find with my God in my ſoul, which is ſweet, though not without much heavineſs of ſpirit for my failings, I do not live without waines and changes in my Spiritual life, and faith towards the Lord, for ſometimes I truſt God with all, and at other times I meet with ſome donbtings, yet bleſſed be God I find them more and more, aſſwaged, and my communion with Chriſt every day more ſweet and full. 6. I doubt not but the Lord Jeſus Chriſt my Redeemer will ſo ſupport me, through his Grace, that what ever my condition hath been, or ſhall be here, I ſhall not fail of ſalvation through Chriſt in heaven for ever.
L. P.