Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 29
XXIX. Experiences of M. W.
I Have from my child-hood deſired to ſerve the Lord, and to make his Commandments my rule to walk by; and I thought once that I could have ſaid with the young man in the Goſpel, All theſe have I kept from my youth. But it pleaſed the Lord to viſit me with a grievous ſickneſs, even unto death; and then my heart told me that I was a great ſinner, and my conſcience accuſed me, that I had loved the world more than I had loved Jeſus Chriſt. Then I was afflicted in my ſpirit with fear, becauſe I could not believe that Jeſus Chriſt had dyed for me. I beſought the Lord by earneſt prayer, that he would be pleaſed to ſpare me, for I found my ſelf to be very unfit for death. I made Prom…ſes to the Lord, that if he did pleaſe to ſpare me, I would lead a new life, and did reſolve to walk more cloſe to my God. The Lord was pleaſed, in mercy, to hear my Prayer, and grant this requeſt, and ſpare me a while longer to ſerve him in the land of the living.
But notwithſtanding my promiſes, and the great deliverance the Lord had wrought for me in keeping me back from Hell, and the Grave, I had ſoon forgotten all. I began to love the world again, and lived as vainly as before. But the Lord ſmote my conſcience, and ſorely troubled my ſpirit for this backſliding, putting me in mind of the promiſes I had made to him in my ſickneſs. With great bitterneſs of heart and grief of Soul, I mourned for my failings, and did again reſolve, for the time to come to keep more cloſe to God, and ſet a watch over my heart. But the more I looked into my heart, the more vile I ſaw my ſelf to be, and was greatly troubled that I had ſo often played the hypocrite with my God. I again beſought the Lord by prayer, that he would be pleaſed, for Jeſus Chriſt his ſake to forgive all my ſins, and backſlidings, which I then was grieved for, with loathing, more than ever before.
My conſcience was ſo wounded, and my Soul caſt down in ſo great a conflict, that my ſpirits were almoſt dryed up, and my heart began to grow weary and faint with crying and groaning after my Saviour. Yet the Lord was pleaſed to humble me ſtill more and more, and to try me further, as gold is tryed in the fire. And my afflictions were doubled upon me by Satans malice, who tempted me with evil thoughts, which was grievous to my Soul. When I had prayed (with a troubled ſpirit as well as I could) the Devil put thoughts into my mind, quite contrary to the frame of a praying ſpirit. When I had read the word of God; he tempted me with doubts and queſtions, touching ſome things therein, whether it was truth or not. And Satan followed his temptations ſo cloſe upon me, that as ſoon as the Lord had inabled me to repulſe one temptation, the Devil aſſaulted me with another, ſo that I had ſcarce time to fetch my breath, one temptation followed ſo cloſe upon another.
Being troubled much in my ſpirit in this condition, I was tempted to diſcontent, that the Lord had not taken away theſe Temptations from me, and in anger fell into ſome great paſſions, even near unto deſperation. And I was ſorely buſſeted by the Devil, in this my loweſt extremity, who aſſaulted me with freſh temptations of blaſphemous thoughts touching God, ſo that when in the bitterneſs of my Soul I was ſeeking after Jeſus Chriſt, and had named God, he would put into my mind the objects of the brute Creatures, and even whilſt I was pouring out my Soul to the Creator, and was pleading a promiſe, he brought a curſe to my thoughts. Thus was I repulſed in all duties by Satans terrifying my Soul to perſwade me, that it was in vain for me to ſeek for Salvation, becauſe I had committed the ſin againſt the Holy Ghoſt (which God by his word hath declared ſhall never be forgiven neither in this World, nor in the World to come) becauſe I was diſcontented that the Lord after all my addreſſes to him had not delivered me from all my troubles. But the Lord gave me ſtrength to reſiſt Satan, and ſay in the bitterneſs of my Soul to my God, far be it from me O Lord, to be offended with thee. And the Lord wrought this reſolution in my Soul, that I did proteſt before the Lord, that although I ſhould ſee nothing but Hell before me, yet I would truſt in him, and ſtay my ſelf upon my God, until he pleaſed to ſend me deliverance. I made my caſe known to a dear friend, who gave me ſome comfort; he told me, that the ſin againſt the Holy Ghoſt, was to ſin wilfully, by perpetual deſpite againſt God: I found a clear teſtimony in my conſcience, that I was ſo far from deſpiting the Spirit of grace, that I had not ſinned willingly againſt God, for I found it to be an affliction to me to be rempted with evil thoughts touching the Lord, tho' I conſented not to them; and I found my Soul grieved that I could not be freed from them. And then with abundance of tears, by often prayers and ſupplications to the Throne of Grace, I poured forth my ſinful Soul at the foot-ſtool of Gods mercy, exalting free grace, and pleading the unſpeakable riches of the mercies of God, that would appear in the converſion of ſuch a ſinner as I had been. Methoughts it ſeemed to exalt Gods mercy, and to be one of the greateſt manifeſtations of free grace in the world, to be to the great glory of the Lord, and unſpeakable comfort of my poor Soul, if he would be pleaſed to bring me to himſelf.
Now when, by the Divine power of God, my heart was thus reſolved to truſt in him and to wait upon him, then the Lord was pleaſed to ſhew me to my comfort, the example of Jeſus Chriſt, who had no ſin in himſelf, yet he was tempted of the Devil. And likewiſe of Paul, how Satan ſent ſent a meſſenger to buffet him, who then prayed unto God, and the Lord ſaid, my grace is ſufficient for thee, my power is made known in thy weakneſs. Then I began to be comforted and to think if Chriſt himſelf was tempted, if the children of God who had been eminent examples, had lain under temptations, and the Lord according to his promiſes had ſtrengthned and delivered them, there was hope for me. And the Lord wrought faith in my heart to believe, that he would ſtrengthen me, and keep me that I ſhould not periſh for ever.
And I have ſince found great conſolation in many promiſes, which the Lord hath revealed in his Word, which I have pleaded before him, ſome of which follow. Iſaiah 50.10. Who is among you, that feareth the Lord, and obeyeth the voice of his Servant, that walketh in darkneſs and hath no light, let him truſt in the name of the Lord, and ſtay upon his God. I applyed this promiſe thus, I had walked in darkneſs and ſaw no light, but God had wrought in my heart to fear him, and a willingneſs to obey my Sav…our, and a reſolution to truſt in the name of the Lord, therefore I knew it was not in vain to ſtay my ſelf upon my God. And Matth. 12.20. (It is ſaid by Chriſt) A bruiſed reed ſhall he not break, and ſmoaking flax ſhall he not quench, till he ſend forth judgment unto victory. The Lord having broken and bruiſed me in the ſenſe of ſin, and drawn forth my heart to rely upon him, I believed that he would in the end give me victory through Chriſt, and Iſa. 40.29. He giveth power to the faint, and to them that have no might he increaſeth ſtrength. This promiſe I laid hold on, becauſe Chriſt ſaith, Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt, Mat. 11.28. When I had refreſhed my ſpirit by applying theſe and ſome other Promiſes to my own Soul, by faith in the Lord Jeſus, I found an effect of my faith by that love to God, which by his holy Spirit he had wrought in my Soul, which appeareth by theſe particular Evidences.
1. I am grieved that I have been ſo unbelieving towards God, and ſo impatient in my afflictions. 2. I am troubled to think that whilſt I live here in this mortal fleſh, I cannot be quite freed from ſin, but muſt live to offend ſo good a God, who hath wrought ſo great a deliverance for me. 3. I bleſs the Lord, I can (through Divine goodneſs from the teſtimony of the bleſſed Spirit) ſay with comfort the Lord is my God, whereby I can cry, Abba Father. 4. I can I hope willingly deny my ſelf in all things, and ſhould the Lord call me to it take up the Croſs of my Saviour Jeſus to follow him, and bleſs God in all diſpenſations whatſoever. 5. I find a total deſire, and willingneſs in my heart to ſurrender my ſelf to be led by Gods bleſſed Spirit, in all holineſs and piety, with perſeverance, that I may live all my days to the glory of my God. 6. My affections are more firmly and really knit to God than to any thing, ſo that I can part with any thing for God; and I value my intereſt in God above all things, and I find more joy in him than in all things. 7. I am not now afraid to dye, ſhould God call me, that I may go to be with my Saviour for ever. 8. I deſire to be in love and charity with all men, but in an eſpecial manner I do love the godly, becauſe in appearance they are the children of God, and I deſire to ſeed upon Chriſt by faith in his Ordinances.
M. W.