Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 27 – Declaration 28
XXVII. Experiences of D. R.
IT hath pleaſed the Lord ever ſince I knew a difference between good and evil, to give me a heart to ſeek after thoſe things which ſavoured moſt of God. And it was my delight always to frequent the ſociety of thoſe whom I thought were truly godly: And upon this account, I thought my ſelf to be ſomething, when being ſeriouſly weighed, I became nothing; for I knew God but as a natural man doth, even by way of diſcourſe; I being, as I conceive ſince, much in the poſture of the proud Phariſee, I could ſay, I thank God, I was not ſuch a perſon, as was given to lewdneſs, or vice, as others were: And being thus in my natural condition, I thought I had need of nothing, when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans, wretched, and miſerable, and poor, and blind, and naked, and that which was worſt, I knew not that I was thus in ignorance, walking in darkneſs till the Lord brought me forth into the light; Firſt, By convincing me of ſin. Secondly, Convincing me of righteouſneſs. The firſt was (according to my remembrance) about ſeven or eight years ſince.
I being in diſcourſe with a friend, concerning ſomething which did much diſpleaſe me, wherein my anſwering was very croſs, and my words very full of anger, I began to eſpy my ſelf full of malice and envy, which did much reflect upon my own heart, and cauſed a wonderful grief unto me; and having never taken notice of any ſuch thing before, it was ſo much the more ſtrange to me; but calling my ſelf to a ſtrict examination what foundation I had laid, when the Building began to prove ſo rotten, it pleaſed the Lord, that thereby I grew more and more ſenſible of my own miſerable condition, as being in the ſtate of nature, a child of wrath, finding my ſelf a lump of ſin and uncleanneſs, and at a far diſtance from the ways of God, and to be in probability of nothing ſo much as of damnation, and ready to be caſt into Hell for my ſins, finding my ſelf out of Chriſt, and not any hope that I ſhould ever gain an intereſt in him; for I ſaw that without Faith it was impoſſible to pleaſe him, and that without Faith I could not think of any way to pleaſe him being loſt in falſe ways of my own invention. And conſidering alſo, that Paul counſels the Corinthians to examine them ſelves whether they were in the faith, and (ſaith he) Know ye not your own ſelves, whether Jeſus Chriſt is in you, except ye be Reprobates, and following this courſe, I could not otherwiſe judge, but that I was a Reprobate, and this condition was very burthenſom unto my ſpirit, and neither in hearing or reading, could I for the time find any eaſe of this my trouble, but ſtill I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge, requiring ſatisfaction of me for my ſins.
Thus I languiſhed, not knowing which way to ſteer my thoughts; but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace, what ſhall I do to be ſaved? Sometimes I ſhould perſwade my ſelf it was altogether impoſſible for me to think of being ſaved, or ever to gain ſo much faith, as to believe that Chriſt dyed for my ſins, for I thought it would be a very great preſumption in me to attempt any ſuch thing, having often had thoughts of deſtroying my ſelf. It is my deſire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping me from all dangers in this my extream doubtful condition, wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord, whoſe work it was to deliver me. In this my ſpiritual Londage, when I have heard godly men incouraging poor Souls to believe in Chriſt, I have thought that others might, but I durſt not preſume, becauſe I was no better qualified; for if I could find my ſelf more holy, or more godly, or fuller of goodneſs, then there would be ſome hope that I might believe, and hope for the favour of God, and that Chriſt dyed for me.
But afterwards, God put into my heart to conſider, that ſeeing By the deeds of the Law, no fleſh can be juſtified; (for I thought before, I muſt have done ſomething that ſhould have proved meritorious) and beginning to be acquainted with an emptineſs in my ſelf, and an inability of my own to do any good, and find that it muſt be given me from the Lord Chriſt being all in all to the Saints. Upon this conſideration I caſt my ſelf upon God, ſaying, Lord, I am thy workmanſhip, do with me what ſeemeth good unto thee: If thou doſt damn me, I have deſerved the ſevereſt of thy judgments; thou art juſt, although I am for ever juſtly miſerable. And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his Book, treating of the ſmalleſt degree of ſaving-faith, which did expreſs, that a deſire to believe was faith it ſelf, I was ſomething comforted to hear of this, knowing that none could more deſire it than I did, and upon this, a while, I reſted ſatisfied: But not long after I found it a reed, whereon I had leaned, and grew again very reſtleſs, and was beat off from this ſtay by having the opportunity of another Book, which made me to underſtand that the poor man knew full well that a deſire to be rich, and to be rich indeed, were two ſeveral things: And ſo a deſire to believe, and faith it ſelf, was not the ſame. For as all that deſire to be rich, are not rich, ſo all that deſire to believe, do not believe.
Being thus drove from my other principle, I began to ſee a more emptineſs in the creature, and a greater fulneſs in the Creatour. And this laſt book by the bleſſing of God, through his grace did inform my judgment in many things, which were very comfortable to me. As that the love of God was the cauſe Chriſt was given for ſinners, and that he became a full ſatisfaction to God for ſins, and if we ſtaid from Chriſt till we were full of good works it might be a ſymptom we ſhould never believe: For it ſhewed that we muſt be ingrafted into Chriſt by faith, before we could bring forth good fruits, for without me ye can do nothing, ſaith Chriſt, And whatſoever is not of faith, is ſin, Theſe and many ſuch like expreſſions in the Scripture, which God put into my mind, were very comfortable to the refreſhing of my dull and weary ſpirit many times; but yet fears in intervals poſſeſſed me, as not finding Chriſt to be made mine by Faith. For I could not ſay (in particular) that God was my God, nor ſee that there was a reconcilement made between God and my Soul. Sometimes I would perſwade my heart to venture to believe in Chriſt for the pardon of my ſins; But preſently objections would thwart my reſolutions, by concluding that I was too great a ſinner: And it was not abſolutely ſaid, that Chriſt dyed for me.
In this condition I was for about four years, before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Chriſt Jeſus unto me: Yet the Lord was pleaſed at laſt, to work effectually upon me, by many ſweet promiſes out of his Word, which did wonderfully rejoyce my Soul, As John 13.15,16. Whoſoever believeth in the Son ſhall not periſh, but have everlaſting life: This very word whoſoever, did work ſo kindly, and with ſuch a ſweet efficacy upon my heart, that I was conſtrained to ſubmit, having not any objection againſt it, for it comprehended all ſorts of ſinners, although never ſo great, yet whoſoever believeth in this Son of God, ſhall injoy ſuch a ſweet promiſe, no leſs than eternal life. In the 16. verſe. God ſo loved the World, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoſoever believeth in him ſhould not periſh, but have everlaſting life. And in Acts 10.43. That whoſoever believeth in him, ſhall receive remiſſion of ſins. Then in Gal. 2.20. I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me, and gave himſelf for me; and Chriſt Jeſus dyed for ſinners, of whom I am chief: Seeing this application of Chriſt, that Paul made in particular to himſelf, who was a very great ſinner, in did much imbolden me in the like, Rom. 5.8,9. God commendeth his love towards us, in that while we were yet ſinners, Chriſt dyed for the ungodly: and I was ungodly, therefore I believed Chriſt dyed for me, and when we were yet without ſtrength, in due time Chriſt dyed for ſinners; I am a ſinner, and therefore Chriſt dyed for me, and he was reconciled unto us, while we were enemies; For the Lord to be thus reconoiled to ungodly, to ſinners, to enemies; this was more love indeed than ever I expected: Eſpecially, that the Lord would have been half ſo gracious to me: This turned all my former ſorrows into joy; crying out, what ſhall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits that he hath beſtowed upon me: For what was I, or any of my Fathers houſe, that the Lord ſhould be ſo merciful unto me?
And I have theſe teſtimonis of my real converſion to God. 1. The teſtimony of his ſpirit adopting me to be his child, Gal. 3.4,5. God ſent forth his Son to redeem thoſe that are under the law, that they may receive the adoption of Sons. And becauſe you are Sons, God hath ſent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, crying, Abba Father; wherefore thou art no more a ſervant but a Son: I was once under the law dead, I am now by Chriſt redeemed. And I bleſs God for this precious priviledge, that I can call God my Father. 2. Chriſt hathfulfilled the law, therefore I ſhall not be condemned by the Law, but juſtified by Jeſus Chriſt, without the deeds of the Law; there was a time when I was dead in ſin, and in ungodlineſs, being alienated from the Common-wealth of Iſrael, and a ſtranger to the Covenant of grace, having no hope, and without God in the world: But being made alive by Jeſus Chriſt, I ſee my ſins done away; and do believe that Chriſt hath born on his body all my ſins, he being bruiſed for our tranſgreſſions, Iſa. 53. And the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all, by whoſe ſtripes we are healed: So that I do believe that by one offering he hath perfected for ever all thoſe that are ſanctified, Heb. 10. And that Chriſt Jeſus is become a full and perfect ſatisfaction for my ſins, and that the Lord is well pleaſed with, and contented in this ſatisfaction, Mat. 3. That is my well-beloved Son in whom I am well pleaſed.
3. I am in and through Gods free grace, what I am; not for any thing in me, or that I could do, but as in Titus 4.5. We our ſelves were ſometimes fooliſh, diſobedient, ſerving divers luſts; but when the kindneſs and love of God our Saviour appeared towards man, not by works of righteouſneſs which we have done, but according to his mercy he ſaved us: That being juſtified freely by his grace, we ſhould be made heirs, according to the hope of eternal life: And in another place, 1 Tim. 1.9. Who hath ſaved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpoſe and grace in Chriſt Jeſus, before the world began; Therefore I believe, that God the Father loveth me in Jeſus Chriſt. 1 John 4.19. We love him becauſe he loved us firſt, John 14.14. Ye have not choſen me, but I have choſen you, that you ſhould bring forth much fruit. Iſa. 43.25. I, even I am he that blotteth out all thy tranſgreſſions for my own ſake, and will not remember thy iniquitie…, and he will have mercy, even becauſe he will have mercy: The blood of Jeſus Chriſt cleanſeth us from all ſins, I plainly ſee it is the Lords doings, and it is marvellous in my eyes. As in Epheſ. 2. You who were dead in treſpaſſes and ſins, hath he quickned together with him, by Grace ye are ſaved, and that not of your ſelves, it is the gift of God. I find as Chriſt Jeſus was a free gift to me, and for me, ſo was this ſaving grace of faith a free gift alſo from the Lord to my Soul, Rom. 3.24. Being juſtified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Chriſt Jeſus, to declare his righteouſneſs for the remiſſion of ſins, that he might be juſt, and the juſtifier of him that believeth in Jeſus; ſo that all boaſting of the creature is excluded by the law of faith. As by the diſobedience of one, many were made ſinners, ſo by the obedience of one, ſhall many be made righteous.
4. I believe, that as there was no ſin found in Chriſt, and yet a ſinner by imputation, ſo I being a ſinner indeed, ſhall be made righteous by Gods imputation; For it pleaſed God to make him become ſin for us who knew no ſin, that we might be made the righteouſneſs of God in him.
5. I have the ſeal of the ſpirit, as Paul ſaith, The ſpirit of God beareth witneſs with our ſpirits, that we are the children of God, and if children, then Heirs of God, and joynt heirs with Chriſt in this our freedom.
6. I do believe that God the Father loved me, and elected me for the Son to redeem, and that Jeſus Chriſt loves me, as given of the Father for him to redeem, and manifeſts it to me: And the Holy Ghoſt loves me, as elected of the Father, and redeemed by the Son; and doth evidence it in me, which is the earneſt of my inheritance; and there is an expreſſion in John 3. laſt. He that believeth in the Son hath everlaſting life.
7. I do believe that I have everlaſting life already in poſſeſſion. 1. By the Promiſe, Fear not little ſlock, for it is your Fathers good pleaſure to give you a Kingdom. 2. In the firſt fruits, for what is heaven hereafter, but a more full injoyment of what is begun here? What we receive now, is but a taſt of what we ſhall receive; As 1 John 4.2. Beloved, now are we the Sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we ſhall be, but we know that when we ſhall appear, we ſhall be like him, for we ſhall ſee him as he is. 3. I do injoy it by my head Chriſt, who hath taken full poſſeſſion of it already for me: Therefore ſeeing I am not my own, I am bought with a price, therefore I deſire to glorifie God with my Soul and Body, which are the Lords, ſaying with Mary in Luke 1. My Soul doth magnifie the Lord, and my Spirit doth rejoyce in God my Saviour, who hath regarded the low eſtate of his handmaid.
8. Though formerly my foundation was built upon the ſands, and therefore eaſily overthrown: Yet now I truſt in the Lord I am eſtabliſhed by Faith, built upon that Rock, which is the love of God, my Saviour Chriſt being the corner ſtone, Iſa. 28.16. Behold I lay in Zion a ſtone, a tryed ſtone, he that believeth ſhall not make haſt.
9. I wait upon the Will of my Heavenly Father in all his diſpenſations, for a more full injoyment of Jeſus Chriſt in my Soul, which I do hunger and thirſt after, and I have the promiſe of my God that I ſhall be filled, and having taſted, I have found the Lord is gracious, and more to be deſired than thouſands of Worlds.
10. I believe not upon others words, but as in John 4.42. as ſome ſaid to the Woman of Samaria. Now we believe, not becauſe of thy ſaying, for we have heard him our ſelves, and know that this is indeed the Chriſt the Saviour of the World.
11. As David ſaith, I had fainted unleſs I had believed to ſee the goodneſs of the Lord, and I believe, therefore have I ſpoken, for I was greatly afflicted. As the Apoſtle ſaith, ye are compleat in Chriſt, therefore I reckon my ſelf in him.
12. The Lord having cleared it to me, that I am a believer, I am confident that Chriſt Jeſus did pray to his Father for me, in the 17. of John, ſaying, I pray not for theſe only, but for them that ſhall believe through their word, that they may be one, even as we are one, therefore thou art my God, and I will praiſe thee, for thou haſt heard me, and art become my ſalvation.
Thus in ſome meaſure I have weakly hinted out a reaſon of the hope that is in me, truſting in my God, that as he hath taken away the guilt of ſin out of my conſcience, ſo in his due time he will take away all ſin from my converſation; as he hath given me a pardon for ſin, ſo he will over-power all my corruptions, that I may live more to the praiſe of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made me accepted in the Beloved, and that I ſhall become (over ſin, Satan; ſelf, and all things oppoſite to grace) more than a Conqueror through him that hath loved me, and waſhed me from my ſins in his blood; for to him are all things poſſible, and he is the wiſe Maſter-Builder, who will not only begin, but will go on to accompliſh his own work.
D. R.
XXVIII. Experiences of A. O.
I Have undergone ſad troubles of ſpirit for my ſins, which I have had a great ſight and ſenſe of and ſhed many tears for, and deſire to be truly ſorry for them, and hate them, and to have no more communion with them.
About two years I lay under very great temptations, and was ready to deſpair, and for ſeveral nights could not take any reſt in my bed; but was very weak with weeping, and much grieved for my evil thoughts, yet the Lord drew forth my heart to call upon him, and hope in him for mercy. But I had many ſore conflicts, inſomuch that I could not lye in the chamber alone; I made what uſe I could of opportunities to deſire comfort from ſuch godly Chriſtians as I could meet withal to counſel me in the ways of God, and I laboured to hearken to them, but found my heart very dull and heavy for a time, untill about three years ſince, I began to find comfort from ſome Sermons that I heard, and books that I read, and ſome thoughts that the Lord ſettled upon my heart by his ſpirit, hoping that there was mercy for me. And I did believe that I had all the prayers of all the Saints in the world put up to the Throne of grace for me, and that my Saviour had ſatisfied for my ſins, and through him God was reconciled to me, and in particular I found comfort from theſe and ſome other promiſes, John 16.35. Jeſus ſaid unto them, I am the bread of life he that cometh to me, ſhall never hunger, and he that believeth on me, ſhall never thirſt. Verſe 37. All that the Father giveth me, ſhall come to me, and him that cometh to me, I will in no wiſe caſt out, John 14.1. Let not your hearts be troubled ye believe in God, believe alſo in me, Jerem. 31.23. But this ſhall he the Covenant that I will make with the houſe of Iſrael; After thoſe days ſaith the Lord, I will put my Law in their inward parts, and write it in their Hearts, and I will be their God, and they ſhall be my people. And I do find in my heart a teſtimony of my believing, & that I do love God, wrought in me by his bleſſed Spirit, by theſe particulars.
1. I love God, not through ſlaviſh fear, but for his name and glory, ſo that I can leave all for him, and nothing is ſo dear and precious unto me, as the love of God; and nothing ſo great a joy to me, as that Chriſt who dyed for me, hath not left me. 2. I find ſuch comfort from the Lord, that he by his Spirit revives my drooping heart, and fills my empty Soul, and when my poor ſpirit is even fainting away, I find comfort from his glorious power and preſence. 3. When I cannot come to Ordinances it is a grief to me, and when I am in duty it is a grief to me that I am ſo dull and find no more inlargement; yet my affections are groaning after the Lord Jeſus Chriſt in Duties, and I have a great longing to receive more of Chriſt. And I find more comfort when my heart is inlarged in duty, than in any other thing in the World, and I know that all my comfort is from Jeſus Chriſt. 4. What I deſire to injoy, I ſeek to injoy it in God through peace of conſcience, that it may be to the comfort of my faith, for God is pure, and it is a great grief to me that I can ſerve my God no better. 5. I do not fear death, for my faith is ſo ſetled in God, that I long to be with my Saviour, when he ſhall be pleaſed to call me to him; Chriſt hath dyed for me, to take away the fear of the ſecond death.
A. O.