Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 30
XXX. Experiences of H. C.
AT the beginning of the Civil Wars, I as well as others was much frighted; and when it was ſaid that ſuch a day the City ſhould be deſtroyed, I was amazed; I had been a hearer a great while of very eminent Miniſters in the City of London, yet profited very little by what I heard. For if they preached the mercies of God, I ſeared they did not belong to me, becauſe I could not find thoſe qualifications in me which I thought I ought to have, if I expected to receive mercy. I could rejoyce in hearing of the promiſes, but could not lay hold on them as belonging to me; but ſtill I went to hear though with much trouble of mind. That day wherein it was ſaid, the City ſhould be deſtroyed, I began to call my ſelf to account, what would become of my Soul, if it ſhould be ſo: I was almoſt amazed, but did much deſire of God that he would give me faith, and with the Publican I ſaid, Lord I believe, help my unbelief; I then reſolved with my ſelf, well, I will caſt my Soul into the arms of God, If I periſh, I periſh. And through belief in him, I was quieted in my ſpirit at that time: But my ſenſe of peace was ſoon vailed. And I was afterward ſore afflicted with the ſight of my ſin, and was fully perſwaded that I was an Hypocrite, and that all that I did was but for fear of Hell, then durſt I not be any where alone, for fear of the ſight of the Devil, and if I had been at prayer by my ſelf. I durſt not open my eyes.
Thus was I perplexed with fear and perſwaded my ſelf I ſhould periſh; my condition was very bitter to me, and I did much labour for a reſting place for my Soul. And being one day at a Funeral, the Miniſter that preached the Sermon, ſhewed the ſufficiency of God, and the inſufficiency of man, and that all good came from God. He ſaid, that it was as poſſible for that dead man to put life into himſelf, as for any man to gain the leaſt drop of grace of himſelf, for Faith is the gift of God. Then I began to conſider with my ſelf, and to take notice of the promiſes of God; and I would write them to keep them about me: I then being a Hearer at St. M. the Miniſter was much upon the affairs of the times, and I was much troubled about what I heard, for I found not my Soul ſatisfied with that matter. When I came home, I found that my Soul was not able to live with that food: and it pleaſed the Lord to direct me to hear Mr. Sympſon at All-hollows Toames Street and he was ſetting forth the free grace of God to poor ſinners.
And then I began to reaſon with my ſelf, that ſurely in putting all mercy from me, I did diſhonour God, for he inviteth all to believe his promiſes. And I read that he ſaith, As I live I deſire not the death of a ſinner. And Chriſt ſaith, he came to ſave ſinners, and that the whole need not a Phyſitian, but thoſe that are ſick: And God hath promiſed, not to break the bruiſed reed, nor quench the ſmoaking flax; and Chriſt dyed for the ungodly, and God is no reſpecter of perſons. And Chriſt promiſeth, That whoſoever comes unto him, he will in no wiſe caſt off. When I had conſidered theſe and other promiſes; And that place where it is ſaid, that without Faith it is impoſſible to pleaſe God, then I was earneſt with God, that he would give me faith and ſincerity of Heart, And that place did much refreſh me, I will never leave thee nor forſake thee. Yet again after all this, the ſenſe of mine own unworthineſs did much trouble me, and I was greatly grieved that I was ſo cumbred in the world, and began to doubt, ſaying, ſure I have not choſen the better part.
For ſometimes I ſhould rejoyce, and praiſe God being much ſatisfied from thoſe places of Scripture, which ſay; He hath laid our iniquities on him, and he hath laid help on him that is mighty. And in another place, Ye are ſaved by grace, not of your ſelves, it is the gift of God: And, We have an Advocate with the Father, even Jeſus Chriſt the Righteous. And he was made ſin for us that ke… no ſin, that we might be made the righteouſneſs of God in him. And, behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the ſins of the World. But in a ſhort time I ſhould loſe all my ſenſe of comfort, and then I had ſad thoughts, muſing what God would do with me. In the depth of theſe conflicts, at laſt that place refreſhed me, where God ſaith, I the Lord change not, therefore ye Sons of Jacob are not conſumed. Though before I was not ſatisfied that my faith was true, but doubted that ſurely I had preſumed upon falſe grounds, and was much perplexed, yet now it pleaſed God in the midſt of my diſhreſs, to bring to my mind theſe words, The Spirit ſaith come, and the Bride ſaith come, and every one that will come, drink of the water of life freely. I ſaid, of my ſelf I cannot come: But I prayed, Lord draw me, and I ſhall run after thee. And this word was caſt into my Soul by the Lord, My grace is ſufficient for thee, only do thou believe. And God hath now wrought faith in me, and by the teſtimony of his Spirit hath ſealed his love in Chriſt to me, working in my heart ſo to love him, that I have caſt my ſelf wholly upon him.
H. C.