Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 26
XXVI. Experiences of H. W.
WHen my God appeared through his grace, to ſhine by his ſacred Spirit into my dark Soul, my thoughts were much taken up in conſideration of my ſad and deplorable condition under the curſe by nature, yet ſo, that I did withal ſee enough in Chriſt to deliver me from all, if I did attain to a true belief. But my perplexed Soul drank deep of the bitter dreggs of a ſorrowful cup, before I could taſt of the ſweet cordials my bleſſed Saviour had prepared for me, wherewith I have ſince been often refreſhed. My conſcience told me, that if I ever expected deliverance from ſin, death, and hell, and to have favour with God, I muſt devote my heart to him alone. But yet I found the love of ſome worldly vanities rooted ſo faſt in my affections, that I did often put God off, and had an eye to ſome worldly contents, which deprived me (for that time) of enjoying peace in his preſence. I often ſaid, Lord, ſuch a day I will leave all, and never ſeek my ſelf, but thy glory in all things; and then again, Lord, after ſuch a merry meeting, then I will ſhake hands with all temporal delights; and again, now Lord once more, I will have but one day of pleaſure, and then I will part with all that offends thee, and not ſeek after any thing out of thee more. But for a time all this proved but unfaithfulneſs to my Saviour, and wounds to my own Spirit, the ſenſe whereof did ſadly terrifie my conſcience. My Soul was much caſt down, and I ſat up a great part of many nights, when all the Family, where I then lived, was in bed, and with an heavy heart, and floods of tears guſhing from my ſorrowful eyes, I was exceedingly diſquieted, pouring forth mine heart to my God, and begging mercy at the footſtool of the Throne of grace.
And that which was the greateſt horror upon my Spirit was, that I could not manifeſt my believing by a pious ſpiritual converſation in a faithful obedience, according to the ſacred rule of the Goſpel. When I have had reſolutions for worldly pleaſures to ſatisfie the deſires of nature, it hath taken away the comfort of my heart from ſpiritual duties in the interim. But I found in my Soul a great conffict in wraſtling againſt thoſe ſad temptations, my conſcience convincing me how great an enemy I was to my Soul therein, and teſtifying that it would be infinitely better to leave all the vain things of the world, than to live without the love of my Saviour. But when my God was pleaſed to bring my heart to a frame to reſolve ſeriouſly never to delay with God a moment more, my heart was ſo fixed on my Saviour, that I ſaw a ſufficiency in him under any diſpenſation: I taſted a greater ſweetneſs in the graces of his Spirit, than in any temporal pleaſure. And I found much of the love, grace, ſpirit, and power of my dear Saviour appearing to refreſh my troubled Soul.
And I have found much comfort from divers promiſes of the Lord, and particularly, Iſa. 49.8,8. I will preſerve thee, and give thee for a Covenant of the people to eſtabliſh the earth, and to cauſe to inherit the deſolate heritages. That thou mayeſt ſay to the Priſoners, go forth, to them that are in darkneſs, ſhew your ſelves. Though I was before a Priſoner to worldly vanities, and ſhut up in darkneſs, yet Chriſt being ſent to declare the Covenant to ſuch, I found good warrant to apply it to my ſelf, Ezek. 34.22. Therefore will I ſave my flock and they ſhall be no more a prey: T… Salvation, I applyed as promiſed to me, conſidering, that though I was a ſinful man, yet it was my comfort that the Lord was my God; verſ. 31. And ye my flock, the flock of my paſture, are men, and I am your God, Mat. 5.6. Bleſſed are they which do hunger and thirſt after righteouſneſs, for they ſhall be filled. God having given me an heart to hunger and thirſt after my Saviour and my God above all things, I believe this promiſe was made to me, with many more, which gave much ſweet comfort and conſolation to my Soul.
And being juſtified by faith, I have peace with God, through our Lord Jeſus Chriſt, the teſtimony of which faith is ſealed to my Soul by his bleſſed Spirit in theſe Demonſtrations. 1. I find many evident teſtimonies of the love of God to me, which hath drawn forth my Soul to an high eſteem of him, and to love him above all things. 2. I ſee nothing but ſin in my ſelf, and my truſt is in my Saviours merits for juſtification. 3. I feel glorious refreſhments from the heavenly gales of Gods bleſſed Spirit, breathing his grace into my Soul, which is the higheſt bliſs I can deſire on this ſide Heaven. 4. I find much comfort from the Word and Ordinances. 5. My chief deſire in all things is to glorifie God. 6. I find a very great affection in my heart to the people of God, or any that I judge ſo to be. 7. I deſire to be at peace with, and do all the good I can to all, eſpecially thoſe of the houſhold of Faith. 8. I can heartily beg of the Lord to give me deliverance from, and ſtrength againſt every ſin, though never ſo pleaſing to my nature, or which I am moſt prone to. 9. I find no ſuch full joy in any thing, as I do in communion with my God. 10. I ſee a purity and glory in the ways of God, and Goſpel-duties above all things. 11. I deſire no longer to live than to glorifie God. 12. All the days of my appointed time, I wait till my change ſhall come.
H. W.