Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 24
XXIV. Expeiences of A. G.
I Have been many years ſince very ſenſible of my Natural Eſtate, and did lye long under the ſence of my ſins, which were ſo great a burden to me, that they made me almoſt deſpair, inſomuch that I could ſcarce either eat or drink, but had my ſpirits dried up with the anguiſh thereof. For I was brought up under the Means, and from a Child frequented the hearing of the Word. And the firſt cauſe of my great torment was, for that I once told a Lye againſt my Conſcience, which ſo lay upon my ſpirit afterwards, that I could receive no comfort; I went to hear the Word, and read the Scriptures, yet all did but increaſe my horrour.
Several Miniſters and godly People uſed great means to comfort me, but all in vain for a time; and when I read the Scriptures, I found every threatning and judgment therein, that I fixed my thoughts upon, to ſpeak terrour to my Soul; and my diſtraction was ſo great, that my Friends ſaid I was mad, and kept the Bible from me. For ſo often as I read in it, I pored moſt upon that dreadful place, Matth. 12.31. All manner of ſin and blaſphemy ſhall be forgiven unto men, but the blaſphemy againſt the Holy Ghoſt ſhall not be forgiven unto men. I did not know what the ſin againſt the Holy Ghoſt was, but I had a perſwaſion I had committed that ſin, and feared that my ſins could not be pardoned, and that I ſhould never go to Heaven, but was caſt off to the damned. Yet this the Lord wrought for me, and in me, by his bleſſed Spirit, to draw forth my heart to be often praying in that poor doubting way my ſpirit could, by the Lords aſſiſtance ſouchſafed to me, attain unto; for though I thought it in vain, and that God would not hear me, yet I continued praying, and often cryed to God, not only in the day time, but frequently in the night, and riſe out of my Bed to pray to God to have mercy upon me. And I was ſometimes a little comforted, in that I was perſwaded to hope in the Lord, but yet it was daſhed again through fear that I had committed the ſin againſt the Holy Ghoſt. And I thought that all victuals, and every thing, was too good for me, and that I was unworthy of all en…oyments: Thus I lay for ſome months in a ſad Agony wraſtling with temptations, perplexed between hope and deſpair.
But at laſt in hearing Mr. W. Miniſter of B. and reading a Book called The New Birth, I found comfort, being better ſatisfied what the ſin againſt the Holy Ghoſt was than before, ſince which I bleſs God, I have for ſome years paſt, found much comfort from the Promiſes of God revealed in his holy Word, ſome of which follow. Matth. 5.6. Bleſſed are they which do hunger and thirſt after righteouſneſs, for they ſhall be filled. My chief deſires are after Jeſus Chriſt, and to follow him by the Rule of the Goſpel, not doubting but that I ſhall be bleſſed in that grace which he communicates to me from his fulneſs. Matth. 11.28. Come …nto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt. This promiſe being to Souls laden with dejections, and univerſal, to all that come to Chriſt, hath much comforted my heart, in that by his Spirit he hath drawn-forth my Soul to come to him. And as a teſtimony of my love to God, and evidences of my faith, I bleſs God I have theſe comfortable fruits of the Spirit of grace in my Soul.
1. Though I do all that I can to ſerve God, yet in all things I find infirmities in me, ſo that all my truſt is only in the meri…s of my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt. 2. Though I cannot be ſo holy as I ſhould, yet I deſire and labour to be as holy as I can. 3. When my heart is dull, cold, and out of order to ſerve God, it doth much trouble me, and in going to God I find comfort. 4. When I am hindred from duties with the People of God, it is a great grief unto me, and the manifeſtation of the preſence of God upon my heart, is the greateſt joy I find, and that which moſt fills and ſatisfies my Soul. 5. I find the want of any of Gods Ordinances to be a grief to me, and that I am at a loſs therein. 6. I deſire to ſerve God in all things, and have a real and hearty reſpect to his Commandments, and to do juſtly to all, and do find my heart chiefly drawn forth to holineſs, and in all things to keep a good Conſcience, and live in the fear of God.
A. O.