Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 23
XXIII Experiences of E. C.
ABout 16. years of Age, though I did not underſtand the Word, yet I had a great deſire to go to hear, becauſe they ſerved God …herin that did ſo, knowing that there is a God that ought to be ſerved. And I ſat in corners ſtudying what way I might come to God if I ſhould dye; having a very great affection wrought by the Lord upon my ſpirit; praying as well as I could, that my ſelf, and my Father, and Mother, and Friends, might go to God when we dye. And I was very much ſet upon duties, thinking to find God there; but afterwards lived in a Family, where I was much hindred from the Ordinances, or partaking of any thing of God, which was a great grief unto me. Yet ſometimes I had thoughts towards worldly things, pondering how to be rich, or fine as others, but God wrought in my heart a remorſe to check thoſe temptations. And frequently the Lord laid ſome affliction or other upon me to wean me the more from ſuch vain thoughts, which brought my heart into a very ſad condition many times; and ſometimes I have wept day and night; And at other times, through grief that I could not ſorrow enough, I have fallen into a great meaſure of weeping.
After, I had lived in ſeveral other Families, where I had little comfort; About twenty years ſince, hearing Mr. F. and Mr. P. on Lords-days, I was much comforted, and alſo by Mr. Marſhall, and others: and from the conſideration of the Love of God in Chriſt, and the ſufferings of Chriſt for us, as alſo of the Woman that did but by Faith touch the hem of Chriſts garment, how ſhe was comforted and healed, and I had much comfort in private meetings. But about five years ſince, ſeeing my other Neighbours many of them flouriſh and proſper in the World more than I, I began to doubt that I did but play the Hypocrite, and that perhaps they did pray more at home than I, though I knew ſome of them went leſs to the publick Ordinances, I was very much troubled at this, and thought with my ſelf, Lord, ſhall I ſtill lye at the Pool, and find no body to put me in, that I may be healed? and I was much troubled becauſe many of my Neighbours hated me for frequenting private meetings. And for above a month I ſpent much time in private prayer, and often in the night upon my Bed, and went to hear only on the Lords-days. But then I had thoughts upon me, that it was not pleaſing to God to pray unto him upon a ſoft Bed. Then the Lord put it in my heart, that he had promiſed, That where two or three are met together in my name, that I will be in the midſt of them: This cauſed me to go again, as I had done before, to hearing of Sermons on week-days. But ſtill I found many reaſonings and doubtings upon my ſpirit, whether I was elected or not, and was much caſt down many times about it, and had ſome temptations to deſpair, fearing that ſuch a ſinner as I, could not be ſaved. Yet I had comfort in this, that though I was a finner, God by his Spirit had mortified me. And though I am not ſo good as I ſhould be, yet through the power of grace, I am not ſo bad as the fleſh would be; and finding much of the teſtimony of Gods Spirit upon my heart, I had great hope that I had marks and tokens of my believing.
One night (having for about half a years time before uſed to go to Bed before I prayed) being in Bed, and thinking to pray to God, I had ſtrange temptations upon me, to put God out of my mind, and I could not ſpeak a word, nor ſcarce think of God, and if I did in ſome intervals, I could not name God, or Chriſt, nor ſpeak a word to God for the preſent. And Satan then ſeemed to appear to me in a moſt ugly ſhape, laughing and jeering at me, which did much affright me, and I feared that I had played the Hypocrite with God, and now ſhould run mad, to make good what ſome had reproachfully eaſt upon me, that I was an Hypocrite and I was riſing out of my Bed, but it pleaſed the Lord to put it into my mind, that Chriſt Jeſus hath not given ſo much for Souls, as he hath done, to let the Devil have them for nothing. And in the ſtrength of the Lord I repulſed the Devil, ſaying, Satan, when thou in tempting Chriſt ſhewedſt him the whole World, thou promiſedſt him that which was none of thine own; nor am I thine, and therefore avoid Satan, for thou haſt nothing to do with me, and then the Devil departed from me.
Then my heart was much filled with the thoughts of the goodneſs of God, and with a mixture of tears and joy, I had ſweet comforts from the Lord. And though I have had many doubts upon my ſpirit ſometimes, yet I have ſince found very great conſolation through Faith in the promiſes of God, as in theſe, and divers others, Matth. 11.28. Come unto me all ye that labour, and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt. I thank God I have found much reſt and refreſhment by coming to Chriſt, and that his grace is ſufficient for me. Matth. 5.6. Bleſſed are they which do hunger and thirſt after righteouſneſs, for they ſhall be filled. I have often laid hold on this promiſe with a thirſting deſire after Jeſus Chriſt, and he hath filled me with comfort, And the comfort wherewith Chriſt did comfort Peter, bidding him not to fear, for he had prayed for him, hath been upon my ſpirit, and given me great conſolation, in that I know Chriſt is heard in all that he prayeth to the Father. And I find the Teſtimonies of my Converſion to God, which give ſatisfaction to my Soul, that I am a true Believer.
1. Though I do all that I can to ſerve God, as he hath commanded me, yet I find great imper… fection, and utter unworthineſs in my ſelf to deſerve any thing of God. But my whole dependance and hope of Salvation is in Gods free grace in the blood and merits of my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt. 2. I do find that the Love of God in Chriſt conſtrains me to love God again, above all things in the World, and whatever I am about, my Soul is delighted with God above all. 3. I find that the Lord draws my heart to hate all evil communication and evil things, and not ſo much to fear the puniſhment of the World for any thing, as to ſin againſt God. 4. I am much delighted in the workings of Gods Spirit, and it is a great joy and comfort to my Soul, when my heart is inlarged towards God. 5. My heart is much affected unto Ordinances and if Satan ſuggeſted worldly thoughts to hinder me from duties, I have called upon God, and found comfort, and when I have come to duties with cold affections, I have been much refreſhed in the duties, … though ſometimes I have felt pain and diſtemper in my body, which I have thought Satan hath done to make me weary in duties, yet I have called on the Lord, and found comfort. 6. I find great peace and much comfort in the Lord, ſo that I could be willing to dye, and it is a great joy to me, in that I expect to dye, that I may be delivered from the afflictions of the World, to enter into eternal joy with Chriſt for ever.
E. O.