Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 22
XXII. Experiences of A. A.
ABout two years ſince, my Husband was ſore wounded, which I took as a great tryal, not having above a month to go with Child, and I was troubled at it: And about a quarter of a year after I was up, all my Children were ſick together of the ſmall Pox. Yet all this did not work upon me inwardly ſo ſenſibly as about a month afterwards that one of my Children dyed ſuddenly, when I thought he had been near well, then I ſaid, the wages of ſin is death, thinking that the Lord had warned me by Fatherly threatnings before, but I did not hearken to him, and therefore I thought he ſmote me now, by the death of my Child. But yet I could not enter into any particular ſins that God ſhould ſtrike at, only in general, I ſought the Lord to lay open my ſins to me; I was very much troubled, that the Lord took my child ſo ſuddenly from me, but was comforted by Mr. Strong, in ſome Sermons preached from the words the Church to Paul, going to ſuffer at Jeruſalem, Acts 21.14. When he would not be perſwaded, we ceaſed, ſaying, The will of the Lord be done. So I was ſetled pretty well in my thoughts, till ſuddenly the Lord ſtruck the elder of my two Children then living, which was a Boy, my other, which is a Girl, I did not ſo much value, but now I do, and know Gods mercy in ſparing her, but my Child that then dyed was the chief comfort that my heart was fixed upon in this world, which was ſo great a grief to me, that I have ſlept few nights quiet, I deſired to know the mind of God, what he would do with me; Sometimes I ſhould have difpaired through great buſfetings inwardly, but that the Lord ſuſtained me. Sometimes I thought that the wrath of God was hindled againſt me, thinking never to have comfort in this world again. But bleſſed be the Lord for it, he hath often comforted me in this, that I have thought he did it in love to me; yet ſometimes I have feared that I ſhould deſpair, and that the hand of God was againſt me in it, having been troubled with thoughts, that I was the death of my children.
Thus I have been between hope and diſpair, and could not find what the Will of God was in it towards me: And I had fears that the hand of God was ſtill againſt me, for further puniſhment, becauſe I have had many temptations upon me, in low thoughts of God. But I have gone to prayer, and deſired the Lord to deliver me, and diſcover his mind to me, in every thing that I do, and have found a willingneſs to part with any thing, even to cut off a limb, or any thing if I could find out, what it was: And I bleſs God I have found a good ſpirit reſiſting the bad. Yet I have been under much fear, that I was not a child of God. But it hath pleaſed God to comfort me in this, that Pauls life was ſubject to temptations, therefore I had hope and caſt my ſelf upon the mereies of God, reſolving that if I periſh, I periſh, never daring to offend willingly in any thing, that I know to be a ſin; yet I know I am a wretched ſinner, but I humbly deſire to do the will of God, ſo far as I am able. And in that I can ſay with David, Pſal. 42.1. As the heart panteth after the water-brooks, ſo panteth my ſoul after thee, O God. I find comfort with him to ſay, Why art thou caſt down, O my Soul? and why art thou diſquieted within me? hope thou in God, for I ſhall yet praiſe him, for the help of his countenance, verſe 5. And I will look unto the Lord, with the Prophet Micha, I will wait for the God of my Salvation, my God will hear me, Mich. 7.7. And I have found much comfort in applying ſeveral promiſes to my Soul. As Matth. 5.4. Chriſt ſaith, Bleſſed are they that mourn, for they ſhall be comforted: As God hath given me a mourning Spirit for my ſins, ſo I believe that in his time I ſhall be comforted, and I have taſted I bleſs God, of the comforts of his Spirit in my Soul. Iſaiah 55.1. The Lord faith, Ho! every one that thirſteth come ye to the waters, and he that hath no mony, come ye, buy, and eat, yea, come, buy wine and milk without mony, and without price. As the Lord hath made my Soul to thirſt for him, ſo I doubt not but to find him. And the Lord ſays, Ezek. 33.11. As I live, I have no pleaſure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way, and live; I thank God, my heart and ſoul is turned from all things, and is only after the Lord. And in a ſpecial manner, I have found ſweet evidences of my faith and intereſt in God through Chriſt; I had lately much comfort from a Sermon preached by Mr. Strong, who ſhewed that afflictions did not make …s low in the fight of God, though before men; as alſo from the … at a conference by Mr. V. That in the World we ſhall have tribulations; but in God reſt. And 1. I do clearly find that my love is more ſet upon God than upon any thing. 2. I could more willingly leave the world now, than ever before, and I could willingly dye, if God ſaw it good, in the mind I am. 3. I find in my heart that I do ſo caſt my ſelf upon God, that I have peace with him. 4. In times of doubtings, I find co…fort that I have a God to call upon and I find much peace in my mind in returns from God. 5. I do always find when any evil thoughts ariſe, a power from God which ſubdues them, ſo that I never willingly give way to them. 6. I find my affections ready to go forth both to duties, and in duties to God; and when I come to them with little affection, yet I bleſs God I find a great deal of comfort uſually before I go away, 7. I find the moſt comfort to my ſpirit is, when I am weeping for my infirmities, or at prayer, or duties, in publick or private, and methinks I find ſuch joy in them, that I could dwell there, having no comfort in the world like tha… 8. I find in my heart a real love to all if any have wronged me I deſire no revenge, but that I may be at peace with all.
9. Whatſoever I find to be … truth from God and a motion of his Spirit, I find in my ſoul a willing… ſubmitting to it
A. A.