Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 21
XXI. Experiences of A. J.
WHen it pleaſed God to call my Husband from me, I was for a time a… exceedingly caſt down, and troubled, as I think any poor creature could be; in which I was ſo overwhelmed, that I did not know which way to turn my ſelf, nor what to do, yet was ſeeking the Lord, to find out what was his mind in the thing: I had loſt a good eſtate, had no body to look after my buſineſs, had many injured me, and had loſt: above the reſt a pious Husband, whom I intirely loved, yet the Lord put it into my heart, that all this was to wean me from my ſins, and too much doting upon an Husband, and other worldly enjoyments, which my heart was too much taken up with, therefore the Lord was pleaſed to ſtrip me of them in a great meaſure, to bring me nearer to himſelf. I went to divers places to hear ſeveral Miniſters, and by waiting upon the Ordinances to ſeek after the Lord, if poſſible I might find comfort and ſatisfaction to my Soul herein; but continued in much affliction upon my ſpirit, for near a years time; at laſt I heard Maſter Jenkins preaching out of the 21. Chapter of John the 18. and 19. verſes, Verily, Verily, I ſay unto thee, when thou waſt young, thou girdedſt thy ſelf, and walkedſt whether thou wouldeſt; but when thou ſhalt be old, thou ſhalt ſtretch forth thy hands, and another ſhall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldeſt not. This ſpake be, ſignifying by what death he ſhould glorifie God. The conſideration of which diſpenſation from God to him, drew forth my heart to be contented with whatſoever the Lord ſhould be pleaſed to lay upon me: And I was ſatisfied to ſuffer or bear any thing, in that it was the Lords will to glorifie himſelf, by ſuch diſpenſations towards the Saints. And the Lord hath ſince made me as he did David, to be contented as well with his Rod, as with his ſtaff; and then, and ſince, I praiſe the Lord, I can ſay with David, It was well for me that I was afflicted. I was comforted with that example of …he woman in the Goſpel, to whom it was ſaid by Chriſt, that it is not lawful to take the childrens bread, and caſt it to dogs, in that I could ſay with her, Truth Lord, has the dogs may lick the crums that fall from their Maſters Table; I remembred Gods diſpenſations towards Job and David, and reſolved with Joſhua, that I and my houſe wold ſerve the Lord. And although it was a bitter pill to me to bear the croſs before, yet now my God hath made it eaſie; and I praiſe the Lord, th…ough his grace, I can go under it with a great deal of comfort; and he hath now diſcovered to me the way of his working in thoſe things, which before were wonderful ſtrange to me.
Many ſpecial promiſes I found great comfort in, ſome that I remember are theſe that follow, (viz.) 1 Pet. 5.6,7. Humble your ſelves therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Caſting all your care on him, for he careth for you. This promiſe I have found of a truth made good to me in ſome meaſure, I have applyed it often, and have found the comfort of it, 2 Con. 1.29. My grace is ſufficient for thee. From this place I found much comfort, knowing the fulneſs of ſo glorious a portion, Jam. 1.2,3,4. Count it all joy, when ye fall into divers temptations, knowing this, that the tryal of your faith worketh patience But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and intire, wanting nothing; This adminiſtred great joy to me againſt all temptations. Iſa. 55.1. Ho! every one that thirſteth, come ye to the waters of life, and he that hath no mony, come ye t…uy and eat. This gave great comfort to my Soul at ſeveral times, though it was ſo much caſt down.
And that which gives me great content and comfort is, the ſeal of God; Spirit in my heart giving evidence of peace in the blood of Chriſt, between God and my Soul, by theſe teſtimonies 1. My love to God is ſo, that I am confident (if the Lord keep me with his Spirit, which at this time he hath beſtowed upon me) I could be content to part with any thing, or lay down my liſe for his glory, if he would call me to it. 2. The Lord hath been pleaſed ſo to…inrich my Soul with his Spirit, that I loath the things of the World, when they would draw me in any thing, from ſubmitting to the motions of Gods Spirit in my heart: I once thought nothing could have drawn me from the love of the vain things of the world, but now I do as much diſdain them for God, and more than then I loved them. 3. I deſire to follow Gods Ordinances, and find great enlargments of my heart to God, both to, and in the Ordinances: And particularly from Mr. S. Mr. W. and others, from whom many things have fallen that have much refreſhed my Soul, and I find my heart in duties to God, more refreſhed than in any thing. 4. I find much peace in my conſcience, becauſe of a free ſubmiſſion which his Spirit hath wrought in my Soul to all the commands of Jeſus Chriſt; and I find comfort in that true circumciſion which is in my heart, wrought by his Spirit. 5. I find every every day ſo great a peace in my Soul, and ſuch comfort in God, that I could be willing, and I bleſs God, find in my ſelf a readineſs to dye every moment.