Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 20
XX. Experiences of J. B.
SOme time agoe a Child of mine about ſix years of age, when I have bid him go forth to play, he hath come in again very ſolitary, becauſe other Children would ſwear and be rude, I would ask him, Robert, what aileth you, why do you not go to play? he would anſwer, That he had no fellows to play withal, but ſuch as would ſwear, and the like, and they cannot be (ſaid he) Gods children. I would ſay, why not Child? then he would ſay, No Mother, though I am but a little way in my Book, yet I have learnt, that God will not pardon ſuch ſins as ſwearing; I have ſometimes ſaid, Yes Child, I hope God will pardon them, elſe God help thy Father, and God help us all: Then he hath replyed; Mother, with great repentance God can forgive, for his mercies are great; but good Mother, let us forbear that which is evil. And many times I had ſuch conference with that Child, that ſeeing me troubled about it, he hath ſaid, Good Mother be content, their Parents are ſuch, and they muſt needs learn after them.
I thought upon my Childs words, and having before often offended God on the Lords Days, and the thoughts of other failings in my converſation, it wrought great trouble upon my heart, ſo that I was much afflicted in Soul, conſidering that my Child ſo young, ſhould give me ſuch inſtructions, which hath proved a bleſſing to bring me home to him; I did then make ſome doubt whether God would forgive me thoſe ſins, and about that time hearing Dr. Ʋſher preach ſeveral Sermons, and particularly upon that Text, That we are but ſojourners and travellers here; and ſhewing that we are not at home, therefore we muſt keep on in the ſtreight way to Heaven, and take heed of the broad way, which leadeth to Hell, this and other means ſince, did throw me down low ander the ſenſe of ſin, yet not without ſometimes ſome refreſhments. And from a Sermon preached by Dr. Ʋſher, That the Lord is the ſhield and defence of thoſe that truſt in him, I had ſome comfortable hopes in the Lords mercies; but I found many doubtings ſtill; yet about ſeven years ſlince, Maſter Tompſon made a Sermon at Liverpoole, then beſieged, ſhewing, That we muſt lay hold on the Lord, and hold faſt, and be will lead us through all Troubles; and ſoon after it was loſt, and many were killed, but I bleſs God I had no hart at all, which did much comfort me that the Lord of his mercy had delivered me; I did, and ſtill do hope, that the Lord had a mind to ſave me, and to draw me nearer to himſelf; which together with ſome other deliverances of the Lords great mercy, I took great comfort in, ſo that when I had ſcarce bread and water, (and I have been ſtreightned ſince) yet I found ſtill comfort from the Lord for iny ſelf, and to be an inſtrument to help others, who were priſoners.
And the Lord then, and ſince hath by his Spirit comforted me with ſeveral Promiſes, which I praiſe God I can apply to my ſelf, by which I have a teſtimony of my true belief, ſome of which are theſe which follow, Gen. 15.1. The Word of the Lord came unto Abraham in a viſion, ſaying, Fear not, Abraham, I am thy ſhield, and thy exceeding great reward. I had found the Lord to be my ſhield in thoſe many deliverances he had wrought for me, and had taken away that diſtruſtful fear, which before was upon me, and therefore I was, and ſtill am confident he will be my exceeding great reward, Pſal. 119.57. Thou art my portion, O Lord, I have ſaid that I would keep thy words. The ſame God wrought in my heart, to ſay with David, that I would keep thy Word, O Lord; and tho I cannot as I ſhould, yet my deſire is to keep it, my mind is to keep it; therefore I preſume with David to ſay, Thou art my portion, O Lord. John 15.5. Chriſt ſaith, I am the Vine, ye are the Branches, he that abideth in me, and I in him, the ſam… bringeth forth much fruit, for without me ye can do nothing. I know my ſelf to be nothing without Chriſt, and though I have infirmities, yet my heart abides in Chriſt. And therefore I hope to find righteouſneſs, and ſalvation not in my ſelf, but in Chriſt, deſiring alſo that I may bring forth fruit as a branch in him, Rom. 8.1. There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Chriſt Jeſus, who walk not after the fleſh, but after the ſpirit: I find my ſelf to be one of thoſe, who walk in my heart in the ways of God, to which I am led by his Spirit, and not after the fleſh, and though I cannot ſerve God ſo well as I would, I do as well as I can; and am troubled in my ſpirit for my failings, and therefore I believe I ſhall never be condemned.
And I have theſe teſtimonies of my converſion, and ſincere love to God, as the fruits of my faith, 1. The Lord hath by his Spirit manifeſted to my Soul, that the Wiſdom of the Spirit is life and peace, and hath wrought that peace in my heart, that I do not deſire any way to break from it, for any other enjoyments whatſoever. 2. This I deſire to be built upon, that I may find Chriſt to be my life and peace. 3. I find that the Lord hath greatly wrought upon me, and my mind is fully affected with the Lord, out of whom I do not care for any thing that is in the World. 4. My deſire is wholly to ſerve God, and leave all things in the World as vain trifles for the enjoyment of him. 5. My love is ſo much to God in Chriſt, that having him, I know I have all things, and without him I have nothing. 6. I find that I have great comfort, and am much refreſhed by Ordinances, a ſenſe of the Spirit is frequently brought upon my heart, and I have received a great deal of comfort therein, when I have been weak; and it hath been a refreſhing to me, when food hath been ſcant. And particularly, from ſeveral Serinons preached by Mr. Whitaker, Mr. Marſhal, Mr. Carter, and others, as alſo Mr. P. Dr. Homes, Mr. W. and at other meetings of godly people. 7. I find that the comfort of the Ordinances are more ſweet to me, than all the pleaſures, riches, or friends in the world; for they are contenting comforts, and ſo are not worldly things. 8. I could find in my heart willingly to dye, and leave Children, Brothers, Siſters, and all the World beſides to go to my Chriſt.
J. B.