Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 19
XIX. Experiences of AE. L.
I Had lately great grief upon my ſpirit about a Daughter, which was brought to great ſufferings, and by reaſon of her going away in her affliction, I thought ſhe had made away her ſelf: God put it into my thoughts to remember my ſins; and that he had laid this affliction upon me, for neglecting my duty to him, and not ſerving him as I ought. This cauſed great ſorrow in me, and made me abundantly ſhed tears, my ſins I thought were the occaſion that the Lord made her ſo great a croſs to me, for which I had deſerved it, ſo that both became a great grief to my Soul; and thus I lay languiſhing in very great ſorrow: Then I began to think with my ſelf that there is no refuge but only in Chriſt; and I conſulted my thoughts, how to go to good company and meetings, where I might find comfort from the people of God. And about two years ſince, one morning I came to Mr. S. to joyn with godly people that came thither to prayer, though with a great deal of diſtraction in my mind; and I ſhewed my diſcontents and condition to him, and he told me, that if I had but a mind to ſeek God, and to repent, he was gracious, and would receive me to mercy: The thing that I did earneſtly beg of God was, to know Chriſt crucified for me, and he told me, that indeed was beſt of all: And after ſome good in…tructions from him and others, I was much delighted to frequent the meetings of Gods Servants, and good Sermons; and I found many good operations upon my heart. After very ſtrong conflicts, which I had thus for about three quarters of a year, lying in my bed, waking all the night, and calling upon God to direct me to ask at his hands thoſe things which might be for his glory, and my comfort, and begging that he would give me a ſetled heart that might not be diſtracted with the things of the World. In the morning I fell into a ſlumber, with God ſtill in my thoughts, in which I heard as it were a voice from Heaven ſpeaking to my heart, and ſaying thus, Ask of God a perſect upright heart to walk in his preſence; which when I was fully awake, I took to be the motion of Gods Spirit upon my Conſcience, which did fill me with much joy, provoking me to pray to the Lord to grant me that grace.
And about two years ſince, the Lord gave me a ſenſe of my ſins in a greater meaſure than before, and my repentance was more ſpiritual, and my hatred of ſin more real. And I found a ſore combate betwixt the fleſh and the ſpirit, being more ſenfible how I had ſtrayed from the rule of the Goſpel, and did yet come ſhort of my duty therein, and it was a great grief to my heart, that I could not live according to that which God had revealed of his will to me. Whilſt I was thus troubled in ſpirit, I heard ſome things in ſeveral Sermons preached by Maſter B. touching the ſins of our natural corruptions, and what holineſs God repuires of us. And I heard Mr. C. ſhew that we ſhould ſtrive to enter in at the narrow gate which wrought in my heart a very great ſenſe of my ſins.
In theſe conflicts I met with many diſcouragements, and Satan tempted me to deſpair, but the Lord ſuſtained me. I conſidered that as a ſinner, I deſerved nothing but Damnation, but my comfort was in Chriſt, and my grief was interlaced with comforts: Sometimes I was in ſorrow two or three days, and then again found comfort, and often prayed unto the Lord to lay no more weight upon me, then he would give me ſtrength to bear, and I found the Lord to be my ſhield and buckler, and remembred many promiſes from the Lord, in which to this day, I bleſs God, I have, and ſtill do find much comfort. As Pſal. 34.19. Many are the afflictions of the Righteous, but the Lord delivereth him out of them all: I have had many afflictions for my ſins, but none but Chriſts righteouſneſs is my comfort, in whom I truſt for deliverance. Ezekiel 33.11. As I live ſaith the Lord God, I have no pleaſure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his evil way, and live; turn ye, turn ye, from your evil ways, for why will ye dye, O ye houſe of Iſrael, Matth. 11.28. Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt. Ezekiel 18.30. Repent and turn your ſelves from all your tranſgneſſions, ſo iniquity ſhall not be your ruine, Iſaiah 43.25. I, even I am he, that blotteth out, thy tranſgreſſions for my own ſake, and will not remember thy ſins.
Theſe and divers other promiſes, I praiſe God, I have had comfort from, and as the fruits of my faith, and my love to God, I have theſe Evidences wrought by his Spirit through faith in my heart, as a further manifeſtation of my intereſt in Chriſt. 1. I believe in the Promiſes of the free mercies of God, in the merits of Chriſt, and can apply them with comfort to my own Soul, as mine by faith. 2. My heart and my mind affects God above all the pleaſures and joys in the World, and when I think of the things of the World in relation to God, I think that without God all is but vain and vanity. 3. When I think of my croſſes and afflictions in the World, then I lift up my heart to God in Chriſt, and can ſay, Having thee, I have all things; if I have Chriſt, I have enough. 4. My heart rejoyces in duties, and my Soul doth more rejoyce in hearing the Word, than in worldly pleaſures. 5. I have the peace of God upon my conſcience, which is more to me than all things in the world, and makes me ſet the world at naught, and it is my prayer, that I may never be without that peace of God whatever befalls me. 6. The Lord hath given me a contented mind in what condition ſoever he brings me to, and his Spirit worketh upon my heart, that I do not repine againſt his will.
E. L.