Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 18
XVIII. Experiences of D. M.
SOme years ſince, through many croſſes increaſing upon me, like an armed man, I ſlew unto God to ſeek his mind by prayer, and he diſcovered to me that it was for my ſins, which were then ſet before me; which cauſed in to feel the hand of God by afflictions upon me, that ſin was the cauſe of my ſufferings, which lay very heavy upon me, and terrified me, ſo that I thought I had been in the way to damnation: And that if it had been in the way to Salvation, every affliction would not come ſo upon me, greater than I thought I could be able to bear. In particular, the Lord diſcovered to me, that I had too much loved my Husband in making an Idol of him, and therefore he juſtly became a great terror to my ſpirit, for he grew an enemy to goodneſs, and ſo an hindrance to me in coming to Chriſt; And while I thus doted on him, he went away from me: I feared, through the ſenſe of that and other ſins, together with the aggravations of my afflictions, that God did not love me; Yet it ſtruck into my heart, that God did not ſtrike willingly, and therefore I endeavoured to ſee what was the mind of God in it, who had taken away my Husband, Goods, and all from me; namely, that he had done it, that I ſhould not hang upon husks, but ſhould love him. And I found that I had loved the world too much, and ſet my heart too much upon theſe Creature-comforts, and therefore the Lord took them away from me. This wrought upon me great troubles and deſpair, ſo that I cryed till I was almoſt blind: And I had great fe… and trembling upon me, that I could not pray, not hear with profit, but thought it was in vain for me to pray, whom God loved not, and whom I had ſo offended.
About a quarter of a year after, I had a temptation by Satan to drown my ſelf in a Pond near Leeds in York-ſhire, weither the Devil led me, telling me that I might do it there, it being a private place where no body could ſee me; and I came to the Pond ſide, but by the providence of God, having a great love to a young Infant I had, I took that Child in my Arms, and when I came to the place, I looked upon the Child, and conſidered with my ſelf, what ſhall … deſtroy my ſelf and my poor Child? and cryed out unto God, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? and had a fore conflict at that time with the Devil; but me thought at laſt, I heard the Lord ſay to my Soul, as he did to Paul, Truſt in me, my grace is ſufficient for thee. And then I found ſome comfort, which inlarged my heart, through the aſſiſtance of Gods Spirit, to call upon the name of the Lord, for further aſſiſtance and comfort, and ſo I went back again with much joy, believing that I ſhould have the favour of God. And the Lord put it into my mind to go to one E. B. that dwelt by a Moor ſide near Leeds, whom I knew was a godly Woman, and ſhe opened to me the troubles of David and Job, and gave me ſweet comfort, ſaying, God was by me, and I did not ſee him, and as Job wiſhed, ſo ſhe wrought upon my heart to wiſh, O that I could ſee him, O that I could behold him, and my heart was full of joy, and I cryed, and was much grieved, with very great repentance that I had been ſo ſeduced, and did ſo deſpair of Gods mercies, and had been ſo blinded. And the Lord ſet it upon my ſpirit, that though I had laid all aſide, yet now I ſhould come out of the Wilderneſs leaning on my Beloved; and I had a greater affection to the ways of God than ever, and delighted in them more than ever. Before they were a burthen to me, now they were eaſie and ſweet.
Being at York I heard a Miniſter there out of Hoſea 2. preach that which wrought much comfort in me, and that Chriſt had promiſed to betroth himſelf to every Believer: And then, and ſince I have much joy in the promiſes of God, and can through the Spirit of God, which I find and feel in my heart, lay hold by faith on them, as my particular intereſt. As Rom. 10.4. Chriſt is the end of the Law for righteouſneſs to every one that believeth. Chriſt by hs; Spirit hath wrought belief in me, both in his promiſes, and threatnings, and to live according to his Word, therefore I conclude, that I ſhall be ſaved by the righteouſneſs of my Saviour, Rom. 9.4. Who are Iſraelites? to whom pertaineth the adoption, and the glory, and the covenants, and the giving of the Law, and the ſervice of God and the promiſes? I know that every Believer is a true Iſraelite, and brought under the Covenant of grace by Jeſus Chriſt, and that therefore the promiſes of grace and ſalvation belong to me, Rom. 3.21,22. But now the righteouſneſs of God without the Law is manifeſted, being witneſſed by the Law and the Prophets, even the Righteouſneſs of God, which is by Faith of Jeſus unto all, and upon all them that believe, for there is no difference. I being one whom God hath drawn to believe; it is manifeſted unto me, that I have an intereſt in the Righteouſneſs of Jeſus Chriſt, to juſtifie me before God by his merits, which are made mine by faith, Hoſea 2.19,20. I will betroth thee unto me for ever, yea I will betreth thee unto me in righteouſneſs, and in judgment, and in loving kindneſs, and in mercies; I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulneſs, and thou ſhalt know the Lord. I find great comfort from this promiſe, in that the Lord doubles and trebles his Promiſes, and enlargeth himſelf ſo freely to the Soul.
And as teſtimonies of my real converſion to God, and union with Jeſus Chriſt, and that reconciliaon is made between God and my Soul, I find theſe real evidences wrought by Gods bleſſed Spirit in me. 1. I find in my heart great love to God, that when God ſaith, Seek my face; my heart rejoyns again, ſaying, thy face Lord will I ſeek. And I find nothing ſo dear to me as the love of God and if my heart deceive me not, I could bear and ſuffer any thing to bring glory to God, accounting all things but dung and droſs below Chriſt. 2. When any thing of the fleſh ariſeth againſt the motions of Gods Spirit to draw me from good, or to do evil, I find frequently the power of the Spirit to ſubdue my heart not to ſubmit to the fleſh, but to walk in his way, and yet I am ſo ſenſible of my infirmities, that all that I do, or can do is nothing, but as filthy rags; but I know Jeſus Chriſt is my Saviour, and ſtands engaged for me, and when the fleſh is weakeſt, I find the Spirit thirſteth after God. 3. I find in my heart a very great thirſting after the Ordinances, and a great enlargment of heart, and comfort in them, my heart being delighted to be among the people of God, and full of joy in them. 4. When thoughts of want at any time ariſe, I find full ſatisfaction in the better part, which never can be taken from me, which is my intereſt in Jeſus Chriſt; And I find in my Conſcience a great teſtimony of my Spiritual union with God, and that I am ſo ſeparated from the world in my affections, that God hath drawn me to himſelf. 5. God who ſearcheth the heart, knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, becauſe he maketh interceſſion for the Saints according to the will of God, which will of God I find a free ſubmiſſion to in my heart with joy; knowing, that all things ſhall work together for good to them that love God. 6. It is the chiefeſt deſire of my heart, that God would keep me cloſe to my duty, and I have abundance of joy in communion with the Lord, which is more ſweet to me, than my joy in any thing elſe. 7. I delight much to ſpeak of God, and of his ways, and to uſe what means I can to comfort the Saints, whom I love dearly, and if poſſible to convert ſinners.
D. M.