Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 17
XVII. Experiences of E. C.
ABout nine years agoe at the Birth of a Child, I had very great temptations of deſtroying ing my ſelf, and have had oftentimes a knife put into my hand to do it, ſo that I durſt not be left by my ſelf alone; and when I had conſidered what the cauſes might be, my Conſcience did hint moſt my neglecting of duties which I had many opportunities to have performed, they being the Ordinances of God. Thus I continued till two years agoe I buryed a Child, which was a very great trouble to me to part with, and then was I more fully convinced of ſin, which cauſed my burthen to be the greater, ſo that I could ſeldom have any other thoughts but of deſperation; but the Lord kept me by his great mercy, ſo that ſometimes I could pray with devotion, and diſcern the Lord to remove this great trouble from me; I did plainly find that thoſe great temptations were very much leſſened, which was a very great comfort unto my ſpirit; but yet this ſtill was upon me, that I could read the Promiſes, but I found none of them to belong to me; ſcould not ſay, God was mine, or had diſcovered him ſelf to me, in pardoning my ſins; yet this I had often thoughts of, that I would throw my ſelf upon Chriſt, and if I periſhed I periſhed; and ſince, I bleſs God, I have found ſome ſatisfaction, in ſeveral places of Scripture: As,
Firſt, In Matth. 11.28. Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt. And feeling ſuch a burthen then upon my Soul, I relyed upon that true reſt. Another is in 1 John 2.2. And he is the reconciliation for our ſins, and not for ours only, but for the ſins of the whole World. I being one in the World, I applyed this to my ſelf; and in 1 John 114. The Father ſent the Son to be the Saviour of the World. Another place of Scripture is, John 3.17. For God ſent not his Son into the World to condemn the World, but that the World through him might be ſaved. And in verſe 35. He that believeth on the Son hath everlaſting life. Upon this account I ſaid, I believe, Lord, help my unbelief. And in the ſixth Chapter of John, and 67, and 68, verſes, Jeſus ſaid unto his Diſciples Will ye go from me alſo? Peter ſaid unto him, Lord, whither ſhall we go, for thou haſt the words of eternal life. So that I will now wait upon the Lord for a further manifeſtation of himſelf unto my Soul, in the uſe of his Ordinances; although I have not in times paſt been fed with the Childrens bread, yet now I do believe I ſhall not be denyed thoſe crums of Spiritual comforts, to nouriſh and refreſh my wearyed Spirit; for God ſaith, Iſa. 55.1. Ho! every one that thirſteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money, come ye, buy and eat; yea, come buy Wine and Milk without money, and without price. And I praiſe God, I have found of late a very great manifeſtation of Gods working a change upon my heart, and drawing me by true faith to himſelf.
1. About a quarter of a year ſince, I heard Mr. B. on the luke-warmneſs of the Church of Laodicea, ſhewing that the Lord would refuſe none that come to him in humbleneſs of Spirit, and ſincerity of heart; then I thought ſurely I might make uſe of theſe full promiſes made to thoſe that come to him; and it put me to ſearch the Scriptures, which I did, and found, a greater influence upon my ſpirit in the underſtanding of the Word than before. 2. I am in all things that I do, fearfull of offending God, and my deſire is, to do all things to his glory. 3. My love to God is ſo hearty, that I delight to be meditating of God, and to have communion with him, and could wiſh that I might be wholly, if it were poſſible, with God; and my heart is never ſo at reſt, as when I am reading of his Truths, and hearing others ſpeak of them. 4. I am ſo little affected to the World, that I account it nothing; I can willingly leave all for God, and I hope ſuffer any thing for God, if he ſhould pleaſe to call me to it, ſo far as I can judge of my own heart, but herein truſting in the power of Chriſt. 5. Sin is loathſom to me, ſo that the affections that I did bear to ſome evils are gone, and I now loath them more than before I loved them. 6. I have many conſticts between the fleſh and the ſpirit, but I find (in thoſe ſtrivings) my heart moſt cleaving to follow the mind of God, knowing that if I give way to ſin, Satan enters; and with all my Soul I deſire and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit. 7. In all things the reſolutions of my heart are for doing thoſe things that may pleaſe God, and that without delay; being fearful to offend God, which through infirmity I do, I have great trouble in ſpirit for it; and my reſolutions are always againſt every thing that may hinder my peace with God. 8. I find in my heart ſo great a peace between God and my Conſcience, that ſhould God now call me, I ſhall be very well contented to go to my Saviour. 9. I do not doubt of Gods love to me, becauſe he hath drawn forth my heart ſincerely to love him. 10. My love hath been always from a Child to the people of God, and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil ſpoken of. 11. My affections are great to the Ordinances, and my heart longeth after them; and when at any time I come with a cold heart to Duties, yet my heart is frequently warmed, and inlarged in thoſe duties.
E. C.