Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 16
XVI. Experiences of I. I.
VVHen I was in the midſt of my wealth, and worldly enjoyments, I was vain, covetous, and wholy had my heart taken up with the things of the World, little or nothing minding the things of God, or thinking of a change, but went on in preſumption, putting the evil day far off, minidng only for the preſent what pleaſed the fleſh, untill about eight years ſince, I had many outward croſſes befell me, and was in ſome want; and then being under that diſpenſation, I was much troubled, and full of grief; I ſought to the Lord, and begged deliverance from my afflictions and diſtreſſes, as to outward wants, but had not an heart to conſider what was the cauſe, or to ſeek out the mind of God in it, until I heard Dr. Holmes ſhewing ſin to be the cauſe of all our croſſes. The conſideration hereof did come cloſe unto my ſpirit, and I had a clear conviction of my vanity, and fooliſh doting on worldly things, which had juſtly provoked the Lord, I hope for my good, to lay thoſe croſſes upon me, which, though they were for a time bitter, yet God hath ſince ſweetned.
But my ſorrow was then doubled, and I was dejected, not only for my outward croſſes, but more eſpecially for my carnal heart, and vain converſation, whereby I had ſtirred up the anger of the Lord againſt me: I went to the Ordinances, hoping to find comfort from the Word; but the weight of my ſins, and my ſufferings ſo preſſed me down, that I found much heavineſs. My ſins eſpecially lay heavy upon me, and I ſaw little hope of comfort; yet the Lord was pleaſed to work in my heart a loathing of ſin, as well as trouble for the affliction it had brought upon me. But about a year ſince, I heard Maſter W. prove by Scripture, in a Sermon very effectual to my comfort, that thoſe who have been the greateſt of ſinners, if they do heartily and really repent, and turn to God by faith in Chriſt, and lead a new life, the Lord will receive them to mercy. Hereupon I argued with my Soul, that though I had been a great ſinner, yet the Lord had brought my heart to a loathing of thoſe ſins I loved; and of all ſins, and to turn to the Lord, and ſincerely to deſire to ſerve him: That therefore there was hope of mercy for me: I heard Mr. W. Mr. M. and others, and frequented divers meetings, where I found much comfort,
Thoſe ſeveral places of Scripture, in which I chiefly found comfort from the Promiſes of God are, Matth. 11.28,29,30. where Chriſt ſaith, Come unto me all ye that labour, and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye ſhall find reſt unto your Souls; for my yoak is eaſie, and my burden light. This made me to hope, that as the Lord hath given me an heavy heart laden with the ſenſe of ſin, ſo Chriſt Jeſus will give me comfort; for in the 12 verſe of the ſame Chapter, it is ſaid, a bruiſed reed ſhall he not break, and and ſmoaking flax ſhall he not quench. And though I had diſhonoured Chriſt, yet I had not blaſphemed the Holy-ghoſt, and therefore had incouragement to believe from the words of Chriſt, Luke 12.10. Whoſoever ſhall ſpeak a word againſt the Son of Man, it ſhall be forgiven him, but unto him that Blaſphemeth againſt the Holy Ghoſt, it ſhall not be forgiven. I was comforted to wait upon the Lord in hope, becauſe he had humbled my Soul, and opened mine eyes to ſee mercy offered to me, and this was ſtrengthend from that example, Lament. 30.20. to verſe 26. My Soul hath them ſtill in remembrance, and is humbled in me. This I recall to mind, therefore have I hope. It is the Lords mercy that we are not conſumed, becauſe his compaſſions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulneſs, the Lord is my portion, ſaith my Soul, therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the Soul that ſeeketh him. I was much incouraged from hence to ſeek the Lord, and hope in his mercy.
My conſcience told me, I was a great ſinner, and deſerved death and Hell, but my hope was in God, and ſtrengthened from that promiſe, Ezek. 18.21,22,23. If the wicked will turn from his ſins, that he hath committed, and keep all my Statutes, and do that which is lawfull and right, he ſhall ſurely live, he ſhall not dye; All his tranſgreſſions that he hath committed, they ſhall not be mentioned unto him: In the righteouſneſs that he hath done he ſhall live. Have I any pleaſure at all that the wicked ſhall dye, ſaith the Lord God, and not that he ſhould turn from his ways and live? And the Lord was pleaſed to put into my ſpirit a very great reſolution to ſerve him for the time to come, and I praiſe my God, I have had ſince much joy in duties of Piety, and much ſweetneſs from the Word of God, and goldly Miniſters; I have no deſire to enjoy the pleaſures and vanities of the World, as I have done, but my heart now takes delight in God, and communion with his people; and the Lord hath given me an heart in diſcern a beauty, and deſirableneſs, in the ways of God, which are more joyful to me now than ever ſin was formerly; and when I come at the Ordinances, I often find and feel ſuch heavenly refreſhments from the Lord upon my heart, that it makes me exceeding full of joy. There is ſuch a love upon my heart to God, that I dare not willingly offend him in any thing; I rejoyce to hear his name ſpoken of, and his glory exalted: And I find a very great affection drawn by the power of God from my heart to ſuch as ſeem to be his people.
J. J.