Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 15
XV. Experiences of M. W.
VVHen I lived in Ireland, and was in fulneſs of outward enjoyments, I had my thoughts much taken up about the things of the World, but little ſeriouſly touching the Salvation of my Soul; but ſome years ſince, being at Liverpoole in Lancaſhire, I heard a Sermon preached by Mr. Tompſon; his Text was, redeem the time becauſe the days are evil: Many things he ſpake ſo home to my Soul, that I was very much troubled I had ſpent ſo many days in evil: That I had been covetous, and proud, and impatient in the former days of my life. Yet it pleaſed the Lord, I had an Husband that was an honeſt Man, and one that feared God, who had often given me good counſel, and perſwaded me to make ſome promiſes of amendment; But I had Children, and Servants, and Cattel, and lived plentifully in Ireland, from whence I had lately come with my Husband and Family; and indeed there had been no real converſion, though I had often thoughts towards God, and eſpecially I was given much to impatiency, for which my Husband had often reproved me: But ſtill I went on in my ſin, being not ſenſible of my ſad condition therein, until I came into England: After which this Sermon of Mr. T. did much humble me, and wrought upon my heart a very great ſenſe of my ſins. And I was afraid that I had committed the ſin of Blaſphemy againſt God, as Job ſaid, his children perhaps had done ſome way or other, becauſe I had ſometimes curſed ſome body, or ſomething that had angred me, and in paſſion rapt out ſometimes at Oath; many nights I watered my bed with my tears about it, and went to Mr. VVeſt a Miniſter near Liverpoole, and other godly people who uſed ſuch means, as God led them forth to, for my comfort; but I was ſtill afflicted in my Soul, about the ſpace of three weeks, and then I found much comfort being perſwaded by good counſel to truſt in God, which I did, and was heartily ſorry for my ſins.
And then my Husband was troubled in mind himſelf, and the Lord made me an inſtrument to comfort him, as well as I could. But about five months after, he had abundance of joy and comfort, and expected death, ſaying, that he was perſwaded he ſhould be killed, and ſo (preſently after he was ſetled in his mind) it fell ſadly out. For the Enemy took Liverpool, and killed my Husband, and a child, both before my face, and ſtript, and wounded me, and a child of five years old; and it was thought I could not live. And this was a ſtrong tryal; and I was much tempted, my ſenſes me thought were going from me, and my heart I thought would have rent in pieces, yet I prayed. and the Lord heard me, I thought it was too much for me to bear: But I remembred my Saviours words, He that will not forſake Father, or Mother, or Siſter, or Brother, or Husband, or Child for Chriſt, is not worthy of him, and I deſire to give glory to his name. I conſider that I muſt part with all for Chriſt, I ſtrove hard againſt my own weakneſs; and my heart ſaid, that God was juſt in all his dealings with me.
I thought, when I had conſidered of it, that I did but ſuffer as an evil doer my ſelf; but our cauſe was Gods, and our Enemies Popiſh Rebels; Paul was ready not only to ſuffer, but to dye at Jeruſalem for the name of Chriſt; ſo I took it patiently, giving glory to God, and believing that God, who …us come ſo near me, would not forſake me. I was aſſured with much joy, that the Lord would bring me to himſelf, and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Child, and a little Daughter in a Barn where we were put, having got a piece of an old Bible; and then and ſince I have found much ſettledneſs in my faith from ſeveral Promiſes of the Lord, revealed in his holy Word, ſome of which follow, John 15.7. If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye ſhall ask what you will, and it ſhall be done unto you. I truſt in God never to depart from his word, and therefore hope to find comfort in the end, and do find comfort in the way, in that Chriſt abideth with me, Matth. 5.6. Bleſſed are they which do hunger and thirſt after righteouſneſs, for they ſhall be filled. Though the Lord hath thus emptyed me of ſome worldly comforts, yet he hath given me an hungring and thirſting Soul after himſelf, and therefore I laid hold of this promiſe of bleſſedneſs, as made ſo me, Matth. 15.28. where Chriſt ſaith, Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you reſt. It this I have been, and ſtill am much comforted, in the greateſt afflictions, that God hath laid upon me; in whom alone is true reſt.
And as further teſtimonie… of my love to God, and evidences of my faith, I have theſe comfortable inferences, which ſpeak much peace to my Soul. 1. My love to God and Chriſt, is more than to all things in the World. 2. I find a great difference in my affections to God, and to the World, and the things thereof; ſo that my Children, which of all worldly things are moſt hear and dear to me, yet if God ſhould take them from me, I could freely give them. 3. I find the Spirit ſtriving againſt the fleſh, ſo that when I heard Dr. Holmes, ſpeaking of that ſtill voice, which a Believer hears, a… it were, from the Spirit, it did ſo inlarge my heart, that for joy and great comfort it made me weep, through the influence of the Spirit ſenſibly then upon my heart; and ſo at other times alſo, I find much comfort in the Spirit of God, which is my greateſt joy. 4. I do rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances, and apply what I hear to my ſelf, as well as I can, and when I hear any thing againſt any evil that I can apply to my ſelf, the Lord draws forth my heart frequently to pray to God, that I may do nothing that may diſpleaſe him. And I thank my God, I find a full willingneſs in deſire, and affection to ſubmit to every truth of Jeſus Chriſt. 5. When I hear comforts ſpoken of that concern me, I am ſo joyful, that it fills my heart, and ſometimes fetches tears from mine eyes, as particularly when Maſter M. ſaid That afflictions were a teſtimony of Gods love to his people, as Lazarus was forely afflicted, and dearly beloved. 6. Since I heard Mr. B. and others, as alſo (ſuitable to my condition) ſeveral things laid open by Mr. W. in ſome caſes of Conſcience; I have been much affected to ſettle my ſelf ſo by the power of Chriſt, that I may find peace in my conſcience in all things before I dye, and have made it my chief buſineſs, and have found comfort in the meetings of godly people. 7. I bleſs the name of the Lord, my affections are loving to the people of God, and I know I love them dearly, and my heart riſeth to hear them ſpoken againſt; I had rather bear reproaches my ſelf, than than ſee any one of them wronged, or ſuffer. 8. I deſire as to live with God in glory in Heaven, ſo to lead my life to his glory here on Earth in grace, according to the rule of his holy Word, and the examples of the Saints therein expreſſed; and I could heartily wiſh, were it poſſible, that I might never ſin more. And I have I bleſs God a clear diſcerning, through the power of the Spirit of Grace, that the Goſpel is the Word of truth to Salvation. 9. When I come before the Lord, I ſee nothing but emptineſs in my ſelf, and therefore truſt in the fulneſs of Chriſt, in whoſe power and Spirit I find much comfort, and deſire always, that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that may never be taken away from me; for of my ſelf I can do nothing, but through Chriſt, if he abide in me, and I in him, I ſhall do all things.
M. W.