Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 11
XI. Experiences of E. R.
I was born and bred up of godly Parents; yet Satan ſo far tempted me to commit that deteſtable ſin of telling a Lye, about eleven years of age, againſt a Siſter of mine, who was ſhrewdly and ſeverely corrected by my Parents for that fault, tho' none of hers, but mine, and I had not grace at that time to lay it to heart; but three months after I had a fit of Sickneſs, and a grievous touch in my Conſcience for that ſin committed againſt God, and my Siſter, that I ſaw nothing but deſperation, and feared that the horrors of Hell-fire would ſeize on my Soul and Body for this ſin, and Satan told me, that there was no Salvation for me, for God knew me not, neither would he own me; but if I would either hang my ſelf, or cut my throat, or take the bedſtaff to thruſt down my throat, then I ſhould never he tormented more, but look how an Ox dyed, ſo ſhould I. Then I cryed out to my Parents, and ſaid, that I was damned, and that there was no Salvation for me, but that I muſt go to Hell; my Parents watched me, and ſearched narrowly to ſee what inſtruments I had prepared: Then the Devil tempted me to rend the pillow, and pick out ſome of the feathers to ſwallow them down, which I did, and it had like to have coſt me my life, for I was very nigh death by this means.
My Parents ſent for a Doctor to adminiſter ſome things to me, which he did, and when I was a little recovered, they ſent for Mr. Knewſtubs Miniſter in Edmonds-bury, and Mr. Rogers Miniſter of Dedham, who took a great deal of pains with me, and asked me whom I did believe in; I told them that I did believe in God that he would damn me; they asked me, if God would damn me becauſe I did believe in him; I anſwered no, but it was for that ſin committed againſt God, and my innocent ſiſter; they asked me, whether I was not ſorry for that act, I told them yes, I had cauſe enough to be ſorry, for I muſt be damned for that ſin; then they asked me if I was ſorry with all my heart for my offences, I told them I had great reaſon to be ſorry, for by this I had loſt the love of God, and my intereſt in Jeſus Chriſt; they replyed, that Chriſt had left ſweet comforts for penitent ſinners, and they were to adminiſter it unto them: But I replyed, it was for ſuch a ſinner as I was; for there could be no Salvation for me: They told me Chriſt dyed for ſinners, and ſuch ſinners as I was, for they ſaid I was a penitent ſinner; but I replyed, Chriſt never dyed for ſuch a one as I was, neither could his mercy ſave me; Then they bid me have a care how I did preſumptuouſly go about to judge my own ſoul, and that I was not fit to judge my ſelfin the condition I was under, for it was a greater ſin in ſo doing, than to comit that ſin of lying againſt God, for God was a God of mercy, but I had no mercy, thus raſhly to judge my own ſoul; I replyed, that they were as bad as I, for they came to help to carry my ſoul into Hell headlong; they told me no, but they would ingage their ſouls for my ſoul, that I ſhould ſind comfort from them in Chriſt Jeſus; with that I cryed out, O happy day would that be that I might find comfort before my departure; they told me that Chriſt was a Chriſt of tenderneſs, that I was a beloved Chriſtian, and Chriſt was preparing comfort for me, and it was Chriſt that had opened my eyes to ſee my ſin, and he would alſo open my heart to loath ſin, and he would pardon my ſin; yet I told them no, that he would never open my heart but with terror, for I was born to be damned, and muſt be damned; and that Chriſt never dyed for ſuch a ſinner as I was; this I ſpoke with great ſighing; and they asked me what made me think ſo? I told them that I ſaw nothing but Death, and Hell, and confuſion of body and ſoul; they asked me why I ſighed, and wept, ſo ſore? I told them becauſe now I was going into Hell, for the Devil with his chains was ready to throw me into the utter pit of darkneſs; they ſaid, Wherefore? I told them for offending the Lord my Creator, & did wiſh my ſelf to be in Hell, that I might be out of miſery, and might no longer feel the vengeance of God; with that they went to prayers, each of them an hour, and when the laſt Miniſter prayed, I cryed out, O Lord my God, my King, and Saviour, have mercy upon me a poor diſtreſſed ſinner; Then Maſter Rogers came to me, and took me by the hand, and ſaid, That he was glad to hear me call upon the Lord, yet I ſaid, I ſhould be damned, for I was none of his, and that the Lord was none of my God.
The next morning, I had ſome comfort but that left me again, and I was under the ſame condition of ebbings and flowrings for ſixteen weeks together, before I had any firm hopes of my Salration; and having taken no reſt a long time, I fell into a ſlumber; and in my ſleep I imagined there did appear unto me a little child in white, with an apple in one hand, and a white wand in the other, and he carried me til I came into a place where I did ſee much terrour of fire, and ſhreeking, and a great deep ditch where was nothing to hold by, yet I muſt go over that burning lake; and he took the white wand and laid it over the ditch, and bad me tread upon it, and fear not, but I refuſed; then he came and took me by the hand and trundled his apple on the wand, which bowled over very level, and with that I ſaid, It is the Lord, therefore I will venture, and did venture over with this child in my hand; and when I came to ſhore I cryed out with fear, my Lord, my God and my Saviour, am I in Hell, or am I redeemed out of Hell? with that I awaked, being in a great paſſion and fear, and there being my friends about me, they told me, I was redeemed out of Hell; I asked, How could they tell? had they been there? for I told them that I had been newly there; then I cryed out, Oh! where is that ſweet Babe that was with me? they asked me what Babe, and what was the ſhape of it, I declared unto them as before, and they told me, That it was Jeſus Chriſt that had appeared in the ſhape of a Child, and that he had overcome Death, and Hell, for me; then I cryed out, and ſaid, bleſſed be Jeſus Chriſt for evermore, and did intreat thoſe people that were there with my Father, that they would go to prayers for me, that thoſe comfortable revelations which I had ſeen, and my Faith in Chriſt, might never depart from me; …yet for three years after I had many ebbings and flowings, and much fear poſſeſſed me, ſo that Satan would tell me I was more afraid of Hell, than of offending God; but I boldly ſat up in my bed, and told Satan, He was a Lyer, and that I would rather be damned than deny Jeſus Chriſt, and ſo Chriſt did appear very comfortably to me, and hath, and doth deliver me out of many troubles very often, and how to ſpeak of them I know no end; yet Satan like a cunning Sophiſter hath been tampering with me to deſpair of Chriſt, but it pleaſed the Lord to bring many promiſes into my mind, and the example alſo of Mary Magdalen, and of the woman of Canaan; believing, that as Jeſus Chriſt was gracious to them, ſo he would alſo be to me; and Chriſt hath often times revealed unto me, that his grace was ſufficient for me, as he ſaid unto Paul; I can ſpeak but little of Jeſus Chriſt, but yet I am fully perſwaded in my Soul, that I ſhould think my ſelf very happy, even to give my life for the glory and honour of his name, if the Lord would count me but worthy of ſuch a favour, and I would not for all the Kingdoms in the world, and the pomp thereof, be in ſuch a condition again; and now my ſoul doth deſire to give up it ſelf unto God, and to walk in the ſtricteſt courſe that his Word doth pre…e.
E. R.