Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 10
X. Experiences of M. K.
WHen I take a view of my Life upon the Stage of this World, I may very well compare it to a Trage-Comedy, a Labyrinth from one ſin to another, from one affliction to another. I was indeed the Daughter of very good and honeſt Parents, who diligently brought up their Children in the fear of God. My Mother, who in her days was noted for a godly, virtuous and religious Gentlewoman; ſhe, I ſay, from amongſt twelve Children, choſe me to ſet her love and affection upon, the told me, it was becauſe ſhe ſaw ſomething a more tractableneſs and and diligence to pleaſe her than in the reſt, which when I perceived, as then not being ſeven years old, I laid my ſelf forth the more to give her content, who took great delight to inſtruct me, to hear me read, and ask her queſtions. She allotted me a portion of Scripture every day, as likewiſe a part of Er…mus Rotterdamus upon the four Evangeliſts, wherein we both took great delight.
About that time I had ſerious thoughts concerning God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghoſt, who putting this part of Scripture into my mind, He that is aſhamed of me before men, of him will I be aſhamed before my Father which is in Heaven; and whoſo denieth me before men, him will I deny before the Angels which are in Heaven: I then began to ex…mine my ſelf on this manner, What wouldſt thou do, if thou wert tempted, amongſt diverſities of Opinions, to be aſhamed of this Profeſſion wherein thy Parents nurtured thee? What wouldſt thou do, if thou ſhouldſt be tempted to deny Chriſt, and be called to ſuffer for his ſake, as ſome of thy kindred were in Queen Maries time? wouldſt thou not deny thy Maſter? wouldſt thou not run away from thy colours? I reſolved, that I would not: And if the Lord would be pleaſed to try me, he ſhould ſee how valiantly I would ſight under his Banner, and what a faithful Souldier I would be; to this I did implore his help continually; whatſoever I was about, ſtill my heart was praying, and I deſired that God would be pleaſed to awake me in the might, that I might riſe out of my Bed to prayer, which many times I did.
After this manner I ſpent my days, until I was twelve years old; at which time it pleaſed God to take my Mother from me, which was ſome ſorrow to me, but being ſuddenly made my Father's holdekeeper, ſo as it were a Mother to ten Children, a Miſtreſs over ſix Servants, none to do any thing without my command or conſent, being as it were my Father's right hand, from whom I had this Authority; it did not only ſtop my ſorrow, but cauſed an exceeding juyful pride, or proud joy to ſeize upon my heart, ſeeing my ſelf a… it were advanced, being reſpected amongſt the chiefeſt of the Pariſh, who were my Mother a companions, I repreſenting her perſon when I was amongſt them; then began the cares of the Worl…, and the deceivableneſs of vanities to ſeize upon my heart, and made me forget my former order, promiſes, and intentions; and thus I ſpent almoſt ſeven years; combred about many thing; but quite neglecting that one thing which i… needful.
About this time, it pleaſed God to take my Father from me, upon a ſudden. I asked my heart, What was the cauſe of my Father's death? It made anſwer thus, Becauſe thou haſt ſinned againſt God, thou haſt not only omitted much good; but thou haſt co…itted much evil, thou haſt ſpent thy time idly, and looſely, and for thy ſake all thy Brothers and Siſters are now made Fatherleſs and Motherleſs. Th… conſideration made ſuch a deep impreſſion upon thy ſpirit, that I refuſed all co…fort for half a year, crying out continually, My ſins, my ſins, woe is me, my ſins! being demanded by divers godly friends, and reverend Divines, what thoſe ſins were which ſo much troubled me? I told them, ſins of omiſſion, ſins of omiſſion; they would perſwade me that I was young, and that I had not years enough over my head to be guilty of ſo many ſ…s by omiſſion, that needed ſo much ſorrow, I told them that I was old enough to offend God, and to provoke him to anger; indeed, I could not give ſo ready account of my ſins, of evil committed, and of good omitted; but though they never took notice of my ſins, yet my heart was witneſs againſt me: Thus I wearied all my Friends with my exceſſive ſorrow, who knew not what to do for me more than they had done. With one conſent they ſent me up to London, perſwading me that the Word of God was more plentifully Preached there, which made me willing to come. But miſſing of my Brother, to whom I was ſent, to be provided for, and reſolving to wait upon ſome Gentlewoman until I could with conveniency return down again, God by his providence brought me to the Wife of Dr. Page, Miniſter of Debtford, from whom I received great comfort, but in a ſhort time God took him from us all, whoſe death was greatly lamented. I found much favour and love from all that knew me, and moſt eſpecially from Mris. Page, who for three years and an half, would not ſuffer me to be away from her one day.
At the end of which time I was married to her eldeſt Son then living; we had not been long married, and my Husband received his Portion, but we took a houſe in Weſtminſter, intending to take ſome honeſt courſe for a livelihood, but there, God knows, we fell acquainted with ſome company which did not only cauſe much time to be ſpent in idleneſs, but almoſt all our means. One man eſpecially who gave his mind to drinking, and other vices more than any good, he, I ſay, was never well contented without my Husband's company. Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reaſon of this courſe of life, I greatly deſired my Husband to refrain that man's company, or at leaſt not to ſuffer him to come ſo often home to our houſe; This I begged upon my knees with tears, but could not prevail; then did the Devil ſet his foot into my heart, and perſwade me that by the committing of one ſin, I ſhould prevent many, and ſo ſtirred me up to murther him, to which ſuggeſtion I cowardly yielded, and ſought all opportunities to perform this wicked act. Here I denied my Maſter Chriſt. In the higheſt of this hatred, in my ſleep, I thought I was in a very large Chamber, ſitting behind a Table covered with a green Carpet, upon which lay all manner of Inſtruments which proclaim death; ſuddenly the man came into the Chamber, whom, ſo ſoon as I eſpyed to be alone, catching up a weapon in my hand, I reſolved there to commit the horrid act of murther upon his body; but God, who watcheth over his, whether they ſleep or walte, and worketh by means, and without means, which way he pleaſeth at that time put an end to all my revengeful thoughts, and cauſed me to hear a voice in my Ear, ſaying, Vengeance is mine; to which voice I anſwered aloud, And, thou wilt repay, O Lord; Then waking, hearing my ſelf ſpeak, I was in very good charity with him, and left my wrong to God, but reflecting upon mine own heart, there I found not only theſe, but a whole neſt of moſt Diabolical and wicked intentions, which my God was pleaſed by his preventing graces to ſmother in their birth, for I no ſooner had concluded, that I would fulfil mine own hearts luſt, although I ſuffcred all the puniſhments due for ſuch and ſuch like ſins; wherein I ran away from my Captain, yet for all this he had a favour towards me, and ſent an Herauld after me to bring me back again.
But then began a freſh Batte… for my God coming as it ware, to ſee what uſe I had made of the Talent that he had given me, he found it, not only wrapt up in a napkin, but exceedingly abuſed; and ſearching my heart, what found he there, but a ſink of ſin, a Cage of unclean Birds, and Den of Theeves, a place for Dragons, for the Scritchowl, and for the Satyre? theſe had taken full poſſeſſion, there was no room for my God, they kept him out, and what did they there, but made it like a troubled Sea? Firſt, telling me my ſins were greater than could be forgiven. Doſt thou not know (ſaid they) that thy thought-ſins are ſufficient to damn thee, although thou haſt never committed any actually? doth not the Scripture ſay plainly, if a Man luſt after a Woman he hath committed Adultery? which commandment being broken, brings death. I then took a view of all the ten Commandments written in the Moral Law, to ſee which of them I had broken, and which I had kept, I found them all broken, and at the end of every one was written Death: And not only thoſe, but thoſe ſweet commands of my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt, wherein he bids us watch, and pray for your enemies, ſeed the hungry, cloath the naked, love one another, all which I had likewiſe broken, which made me to ſee nothing to remain for me but death and damnation. …argued then with my ſelf on this wiſe, I have read, and I have heard, that Almighty God, which by his power made Heaven and Earth, and all therein, had ſent his Son to dye for ſinners, and that there was hopes through his death that I ſhould get pardon; I had no ſooner caſt mine eye upon my God and Saviour, but I was daſhed from all: Mine enemy Satan poſſeſſing my thoughts, ſuggeſted thus unto me.
Fond Fool (quoth he) why doſt thou thus trouble thy ſelf? take thy pleaſure, do what thou likeſt, thou ſhalt never be called to an account for any thing… for as th… wiſe man dyeth, ſo dyeth the fool, and both riſtin the grave together; there is no God to ſave thee or to puniſh thee, all things were made by nature, and when thou dyeſt, there is an end of all thy good and bad deeds; thou talkeſt of the Scripture, and of a God, and of a Jeſ…s which thou haſt heard of there; ſee thy ſimplicity now, how canſt thou prove the Scriptures to be true? alas they were made by mens inventions, there is no hold for thee to take there.
Thus being unquiet, I ſpent my days and nights in tears and ſighs, and groans, ſometimes thinking with my ſelf If I ſhall be ſaved, why am I thus? Then again, concluding that there was no Heaven, no God, no Jeſus, no good Angels, only an Hell there was, and Devils to carry me thither, who waited in every corner, and behind every door to ſnatch me away: And I ſaw there was no remedy, but the more I ſtrove, the faſter I ſtuek, I fainted, and laid down mine arms, and cowardly yielded to the enemy, arguing with my ſelf. if I am a firebrand of Hell, a child of perdition, a limb of Satan, and my portion is to be with the Devil and his Angels: Why live I longer upon the Earth? why go I not to mine own place? Thus content to periſh: I wandred about the ſpace of half a year; no Man nor Woman was privy to, nor knew the leaſt of all my thoughts; at length concluding that the night enſuing, would be my laſt night that I ſhould ſtay here on Earth, as one deſiring to be at home, I careleſly left my Family and went to bed, as it were, inviting the Devils to come and take their due; but mark I pray you, the goodneſs of our God, who was with me all this while. and I was not aware of it, for even that ſame night, The little dog leaping upon the bed, I thought it was the Devil who was come to fetch me away; I ſcreamed forth aloud; but when I perceived it was the dog, and not the Devil, I began to think, Thut ſurely there was a God that had preſerved me all this while.
In a moſt grievous agony I ſpent that night weeping, and although it was Winter, yet I ſweat that the water ran from off every part of my Body. Being in this ſad condition, I thought it was not right, but ſurely ſome means might be uſed to get out of it. And riſing the more early in the morning, went up into the higheſt room that was in the Houſe, and looked forth at the window to ſee if I could ſee God; there I beheld the Trees to grow, the Birds to flye, the Heavens how they hanged, and all things that were before me, then I thought they could not make themſelves, no more than I could make my ſelf, and that we muſt needs have a Maker, and this Maker muſt be ſtrong and powerful; Then I fell down upon my knees, crying out in this manner, O God, if there be a God, ſhew thy ſelf to me a poor miſerable wretch, that I am at the point to periſh; Then I thought I ſaw the Lord, but with a frowning countenance he looked upon me, as if he had ſaid, Thou haſt diſpleaſed me, and I will not hear thee, and turning his back went from me, which ſight was as a dart thruſt through my Soul; for the ſpace of half an hour, divers thoughts entred into my Heart, but before I roſe from off my knees, I reſolved to become an earneſt ſuter to him, and not to do any thing more that ſhould diſpleaſe him, hoping that he would be intreated for that which was paſt.
But now, I beſeech you godly Chriſtians, to take notice of the wonderfull workings of our good God, whoſe judgements are unſearchable, and his ways paſt finding out. He had called many times at the door of my heart, and had but ſmall and ſlight entertainment, but now he came violently and powerfully to take poſſeſſion of his own, and ſet me about his work in my ſelf: Then I began to think what I ſhould do, and whether I ſhould go to paciſie the wrath of this terrible and dreadfull God, by whoſe providence I was brought to a Church in VVeſtminſter, where Mr. Dod, a very godly and reverend Divine, was preaching a Funeral Sermon, I went in, hoping to hear ſome comfort, giving attentive heed, his Text was, With my dead body they ſhall ariſe; ſee here, my God did not only make a ſcourge of ſmall cords, and whipped out the buyers and ſellers, but he did over-turn, and overturn, and overturn; for this Miniſter did not only preach to the people, but ſhewed me, as it were in a looking-glaſs, mine own condition, and told me that by the gates of Hell many times God was pleaſed to bring his Servants to Heaven; being hungry and thirſty, I was glad of a little food; and preſently catcht hold of that word; Is it ſo thought I, then there is comfort for me, I will about my work, if it pleaſe God to aſſiſt me: In his Sermon he asked divers queſtions, to which my heart made anſwer, ſo that I came home joyfull, longing to hear more of his Doctrine, which fell out as if it had been on purpoſe for my ſake, ſo that for a month, or five weeks, I heard two, three, four, or five Sermons, from him conſtantly every week, wherein he bid me try and prove whether I had Faith or no, whether I did hate my ſins or no, and what have been the ſigns and fruits thereof: He likewiſe bid me ſearch the Scriptures, for they are true, and compare my condition with the children of God there; But after he was ſenſible of my condition, which I made known to him privately, he was very laborious to bring my Soul out of the jaws of Death, and to raiſe it up to Jeſus Chriſt, for which pains, I hope my God will reward him to his everlaſting comfort.
But one thing I had almoſt forgot. When I was in the depth of my ſpiritual dejection, I was utterly denyed all outward comforts, my God hiding his face I was troubled, the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars, ſeemed in their courſes to fight againſt me, my neighbours fell out with me, and mocked me, my kindred deſerted me, my Captain Chriſt offended, made me run the gauntlet, and every Souldier had a laſh at me, whatſoever happened unto me, brought ſorrow to my heart.
But when I was perſwaded that the Scriptures were true, I ſet my ſelf to ſearch them, to ſee what comfort I could find there; beginning at the Alpha of Geneſis, I found, In the beginning God created the Heaven, and the Earth, and all therein; Well then, though I, there is a God; but viewing a little further, I found this God offended, and Man in a loſt condition, but preſently a remedy promiſed; going on, I found the Paſchal Lamb, the brazen Serpent, the bunch of Grapes, the ſcape Goat, and divers other things to be types of that promiſed Seed; I likewiſe took a view of the afflictions of Joſeph, David, and Job, that did much eaſe my grief. Coming to that place where my God ſpake by his Prophet, Come, let us reaſon together, though your ſins were as ſcarlet, I will make them as white as ſnow, though they were like crimſon, they ſhall be like wool; And though you had lain among the pots, yet ſhall ye belike doves wings, covered over with ſilver; Then I thought, will the Lord reaſon with ſinners? will he vouchſafe a Parley? O that I were able to anſwer him one of a thouſand! O that theſe promiſes belonged unto me! O that this God were reconciled unto me! How happy ſhould I be; how happy is that man whoſe Tranſgreſſions are forgiven, and whoſe ſins are covered? O, how bleſſed is that man unto whom the Lord imputeth no ſin! I found the ſame Prophet Iſaiah propheſie of my Saviours birth in his 9th Chapter, and in his 53, he lively ſets forth his Paſſion, and in the 55, the Lord inviting me with a Proclamation; Ho, every one that thirſteth, come; then I anſwered, Lord, I would fain come, but how ſhall I come? I have nothing to bring to pacifie thine anger, O that I could ſee thee ſmile upon me, as once I ſaw thee frown, how happy ſhould I be a then I called to mind that I had heard, and read, that Jeſus Chriſt ſhed his blood for ſinners, and that whoſeever believeth in him ſhould be ſaved; and I was ſomething incouraged to petition in his Name on this manner.
Heal me O Lord, and I ſhall be healed; turn me, and I ſhall be turned; convert me, and I ſhall be converted. O ſave me, my God, and I ſhall be ſaved; take away this ſtony heart of mine, and give me an heart of fleſh, renew a right Spirit within me, reſtore me to thoſe joys that I was wont to find in thee, for thy loving kindneſs is better than thouſands of Rivers of Oyl; O caſt me not away whom thou haſt had ſo much patience withal; O caſt me not away whom thou haſt bought with ſo dear a price; O forſake me not in this my great neceſſity, O look upon that ever-ſtreaming fountain of thy Sons blood, which is poured forth for all them that believe; Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief; O pardon, pardon I beſeech thee, forgive me all my ſins, my Sermon-ſins, my Sabbathſins, my every days ſins, my other peoples ſins, my ſins of omiſſion, my ſins of commiſſion, my ſins of ignorance, my ſins of knowledge, my ſins of preſumption, my ſins of willfulneſs; O Lord, forgive me my known and ſecret ſins, O pardon the ſins that I have committed this day, O ſpeak the word only, and thy Servant ſhall be healed, Amen.
Thus when the Lord had opened my mouth to ſpeak unto him, I gathered a great deal of ſtrength, and had much hope that he would be intreated; but not ſetting ſo great an eſteem on my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt as I ought, I thought I muſt bring ſomthing with me to paciſie my God; I thought I muſt make my ſelf all fair, and beautiful, before my God would love me, but how to do this I knew not; for the ſpace of eleven years I ſought all opportunities to pleaſe him, yet when I examined my ways, works, and actions, I found they were ſo far from pleaſing him, that they were rather motives to ſtir him up to anger, if he ſhould be ſevere to mark what I did amiſs; many times I thought upon the ſad condition that I had been in, and how the Lord had reſtored me. then my heart was elevated and over-joyed; I found a great deal of love in my ſelf towards God, but was not ſure of Gods love to me, which I eſteemed above all the World; the honour of God was ſo dear unto me, that I could ſometimes ſay unto him, Lord if there be no way to bring honour to thy Name, but by my confuſion, then let me be confounded; but ſure Lord, thou maiſt gain more glory in ſaving me, than in damning me, the dead cannot bring honour to thy Name, for who ſhall give thee thanks in the pit? the living, the living, they ſhall praiſe thee; as I hope to do hereafter.
Many times I prayed, and had many petitions granted me preſently, and at other times I praye…, and was denyed what I begged, but had what I deſired in a better way; in all Diſpenſations I found my God with me, either with his preventing, aſſiſting, or ſupporting graces, I received innumerable favours from him, yet could I not be perſwaded that they came from his love, but that rather they were to augment my ſcere; I was ſtill labouring and inquiring how I might come to be aſſured of Gods love, which he was pleaſed at length to ſhew me in ſome meaſure, on this manner; In the ſixt of John I hear my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt telling me, that I cannot come to him except God our Father draw me, and if I come to him, him, he will in no wiſe caſt me out, but will raiſe me up at the laſt day; I am perſwaded, that it was my God alone that did draw me to my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt, that will receive me, and will raiſe me up at the laſt Day. In John 17. I hear him praying to his Father for me, whoſe requeſt I am confident ſhall not be denyed.
Nay further, by faith I ſee my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt ſuffering for me, nailed upon the Croſs for me, wounded, buffeted, ſtript, and ſpit upon for me; dead, buryed, roſe again, aſcended into Heaven, and ſitteth on the right hand of his Father, and my God, making interceſſion for me; which gives me aſſurance of my Gods everlaſting and unchangeable love, in, and through my Saviour Jeſus Chriſt, towards me, and that not for any thing that was in me, but for his ſake, he ſaid unto me, when I was in my blood, live; and I know I do believe and am regenerated by the Holy Ghoſt.
1. Becauſe I find ſuch an alteration in my ſelf, that whereas before I could not believe there was a God, now I am ſure there is a Great and an Almighty God, and he is my loving Father. 2. Before I durſt not lift up mine eyes to Heaven, now I can with boldneſs cry, Abba, dear Father. 3. Before I did not regard the people of God, now all my delight is with the Saints that are upon the Earth. 4. I love to hear my God well ſpoken of, it grieves me to hear, or ſee him diſhonoured. 5. I long to ſee my Saviour, and to kiſs thoſe wounds from which iſſued ſtreams of blood, which paciſied Gods anger towards me. 6. I rejoyce when I think of death, knowing that it is ſwallowed up in victory. 7 I often hear this voice in mine ears, Ariſe ye dead, and come to judgment; I rejoyce to hear this ſaying, He that ſhall come, will come, and will not tarry. 8. I deſire ſanctity of Life, and help from my Father to diſcharge my duty in that Calling wherein God hath placed me. 9. I long to hear him ſpeak, who ſaith in the Omega of the Revelation, Behold, I come quickly, and my reward is with me; even ſo come Lord Jeſus, come quickly, Amen, Amen.
M. K.